"I'm screaming at the top of my voice"
"Give me reason, but don't give me choice"
"Because I'll just make the same mistake again."
Yesterday's post didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to. That's why it's not here anymore. I was a bit more judgemental than I had intended to be. My opinions are always pretty intense, and usually when I get to the point where I start writing things down, the emotion behind what I'm writing has reached a critical point and I have to vent somehow. So, for this, I apologize to any that I offended.
Lately, I've been accused of a lot of things I've had many things suggested to me that I 'need' to do. Everyone in this world knows what is best for everyone but themselves. Yesterday, I demonstrated that by running my mouth about my beliefs and not giving a thought to anyone else. That was part of the Old Matt coming out where the only thing that is important is me. I had gotten over that for a while because I had found someone that made me feel like something in this world was worth living for (my son excluded, because he will always be numero uno). I got carried away, swept up in a tumultuous tempest of torrid torment. It had been a while since I felt "human emotion". I'd been living for myself so long that I forgot what human companionship felt like.
So, apologies and excuses out of the way, now I have to set forth on the path to right the wrongs that I have wrought. I have no idea how to do that considering that I am not allowed to have contact with the one that I have wronged. Any attempt to do so would make me feel like the creepy old stalker that I've been accused of being. So, I'm torn. Do I try to right the wrongs? Do I just stay away? Do I vanish into the shadows and hope that any trace of my existence is forgotten? This is where I'm truly lost.
You saw something in me that I can't see. I look in the mirror and hate what I see looking back at me. I live each day and wonder how people can stand to be around me. You honestly made me a better person, or at least feel like one for a while.
To you, I am truly sorry beyond all words. And while words are all I can offer, I know they can never, ever be enough. I know that what you are going through and what I have possibly made worse are hard enough to handle without outside forces trying to break you down further. I am sorry, and if I have the right to ask of you, tell me what you want me to do.
Finally, if you've made it this far (I don't know how I have), as is typical of this time of year, my photography will hit a standstill. The weather, temperature and holiday plans prevent plans from becoming reality. It's bad enough that the few people that had offered help don't even want to remain in contact, which is why I've chosen to let them go on their own ways. So now the cameras are packed away until such time as an opportunity presents itself (usually by slapping me in the face).
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