So, let's define evil. Generally defined as profoundly immoral or malevolent, it can also encompass reprehensible behavior or even sinful or wicked actions. So what does this mean? Well, to put it plainly, evil, by these definitions, means making all the wrong choices according to some moral code that states we should do the exact opposite in order to be 'good' people. 'Good' people help others. 'Good' people donate to charities. 'Good' people go to church and don't watch porn or play violent video games or masturbate, blah blah blah. So, evil is relative. If we agree with that, then 'evil' people punch babies, kick kittens, pull the wings off of flies, rob banks, kill people and do drugs, etc, etc...
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to the center of this. Me. There was a time when I was the center of my own universe. Call it narcissistic if you want, but that's not the case. I was not in love with myself nor vain in any way. I simply was all there was to me. I had no one but myself. Then I met my wife, and she became the center of my universe and I orbited happily around she who had become the star in my sky. Then my son was born, and he became the sun at the center of the galaxy and my wife and I orbited around him. Then she left, and my orbit around my son became smaller, closer. He is the center of my life. Where am I going with this? How is this related to evil? It's not. This is just backstory and exposition. The evil comes next.
See, my wife and I had issues in our relationship. I wasn't the best husband. She wasn't the best wife. We had trust issues, security issues, self-esteem issues. One time, I found out she had 'cheated' on me. It crushed me. I felt like I was the most insignificant bit of trash on the planet. But something began to grow inside of me. It festered and infected me and before I knew it, part of me enjoyed that idea. Part of me began to find it arousing to think of her with other men. And there became the breaking point in our marriage. Because I told her she could sleep with whomever she wanted, it made her feel like I didn't care. I was out for my own enjoyment, not even seeing how I was making her feel. In that, I was evil. Unintentional, maybe, but still evil.
After our split, there was a lot of animosity between us. We didn't get along for a while. Until she needed something, then she would contact me. Usually it was money, and being the sucker I am, I gave it to her. I was too nice for a period of time. I got taken advantage of, which took me to a further level of evil. The "What are you going to do for me?" level. If you want a favor from me, what am I getting in return? It was no longer enough for me to do things out of kindness. I wanted mine, dammit.
Years later, after being taken advantage of by many other people, whether it be work or personal, my attitude became that of "Fuck you all. I'm out for myself". And so that's how I've lived these past 7 years. I take care of my son and don't give a fuck about anyone else. I didn't want to get close to anyone, because I felt that they were just gonna use me and toss me aside, so I just used them first. Perhaps not evil, but definitely an asshole move.
So we enter my more recent years. I use people to get what I want. Or rather, I used to. Maybe I still do. I met a co-worker one day at work and we sparked up a conversation about how I was trying to be a photographer. He volunteered his fiance (whom I had never seen and didn't expect much out of) as a model. Usually, when someone does this, it's because they feel like they need to prove something. Like, maybe they want to show off their girlfriend or see if someone else can give them approval. I agreed to see what happened, and happen it did. One day, he came to work with her, and from the moment I saw her, I was smitten. I couldn't wait to get my camera on her. It wasn't until many, many months later that it actually happened, but when it did... Fucking magic. I was in love. In love with taking pictures of her, that is. The rest came later. Where is the evil, you ask? I used that guy to get to the girl, and part of me wanted to steal her away from him. Evil, immoral, sinful and wicked.
Now, that very man is in training to defend this country and she is alone most of the time. As a sinful and wicked person, I took advantage of this. Part of me claimed it was for artistic purposes, but the reality is that I saw something I wanted and I went for it. That evil part of me wanted everything, and it took every ounce of restraint that I had to stop myself. To be honest, I can't trust myself anymore. The beast that dwells within me wants her, and wants her bad. Some days are worse than others, but at best, it's a 50/50 battle between desire and restraint. Lately, restraint is losing. This is why I can't be near her. I'm fighting a losing battle, and the demon inside is winning. What's worse, the good side isn't even fighting anymore. I'm a walking Sin Demon. All that I touch, I corrupt. All that is good around me falls to ash. I bring evil. I bring pain. I bring sadness, doubt, deceit, and treachery.
I am evil. Part lust, part love, part envy, part greed, all evil. I want a married woman, and the tiny bit of restraint I have is the only thing stopping me from doing very stupid things.
And to the one reading this, I warned you. I am evil, and you should run away.
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