Reversion and Regression and Retribution

((Apologies in advance for any errors you may run across whilst reading this.  I'm attempting to correct mistakes as I find them, but my skills are a little lacking right now as I have been steadily drinking since last night.  While this may upset some people, it's far better than the alternative.))

So I was told a little while that I needed to go back to being the old Matt.  It took me a while to realize what that meant.  Like, how old?  I'm assuming the Matt that existed between 2006 and early 2013.  So this is the post-Candace and pre-hope Matt.  After my marriage dissolved, I gave up hope on humanity and human contact.  So, I decided on a lfe of solitude.  No relationships, no friends, no socialization.  work, home, occasional shopping.  that's it.  So that's where I'm going.  Back to those day, because you can't fucking trust anyone.

Recently, I had hope that my life wasn't meant to be lived alone.  Maybe I could have friends.  Maybe I could have hope.  Maybe I could have love.  Perhaps not a relationship in teh standard sense, but still...  But no,  that wasn't to be, because you cant trust anyone.  People are liars and only out for themselves.  I've tried to live my life to a higher moral code and treat people as I've wanted to be treated.  I help when I don't need to, or even when it puts me into a bind.  I want to do what I can to help.  However, I've learned that all my good deeds don't amount to shit when there are people out there that, for whatever reason, will shoot you down minutes after you've done them a great favor.  I know I've wronged people in my many years.  I feel guilty about that.  Some people do, some don't.  So, right now, I can't even understand why someone would or could do something that they know is gonna cause trouble for someone they call a friend.

But right now, this isn't about them.  This is about me.  I messed up.  I trusted the wrong people.  I did the wrong things.  I caused drama for someone I care a lot about even though I knew that my feelings were the worst things that I could have for that person.  You can't just have feelings for a married person and expect that things are goingg to work out just fine.  Unfortunately, that's what I did.  I assumed that my optimism would work out in the end and that happy endings could happen.

So, I know this is a scattered entry, leaping from area to area and emotion to emotion.  I told you, I've been drinking for almost 24 hours, minus some for sleep.  Even then, I'd wake up in the night and take another drink.  I'm a horrible person, and thus I go back to my life of solitude.  I should have never given way to hope.