Sparks

I know I made a post earlier, and that post was quite lengthy.  Also, as mentioned, that post was started while I was at work, and things have happened since that point that I feel like I need to get out of my head.

I'm alone.  I'm more alone now than I've been in a long time.  I've got my family all around me, but they really don't understand how I feel.  I could explain it, but they would just say "it's part of life" or something along those lines.  I suppose this is why I've gone back to drinking.  Right now, the bottom of a bottle is the only place where I can see the me that I want to be.  Because, as it stands, that's all I'll ever see.

The other day, my wife/ex-wife told me to fuck off yet again.  This time, I'm inclined to agree.  After everything I've done, this is how I'm treated.  Specifics are not needed, but I can't deal with it anymore.  With that situation, I lost my longest running friend.  The friend that previously held that position was lost when he tried to "steal" my wife under the pretense of friendship.  "Oh, we're just friends.  This is the same thing you and I used to do."  And this is one of the reasons that I don't trust anyone anymore.  Then I realized, I was him.

All my friends are gone.  I've got one left, but eventually, she'll be gone as well.  Everyone has priorities.  Mine is to my son and keeping him safe and provided for.  Hers are to keeping her life as she wants it.  There always comes a point where paths diverge and never intersect again.  We'll reach that point at some point in the future.  Near or far, I don't know yet.  But right now, she's the only friend I have, and the only one reading this.  Thank you, Marissa.  I know this may seem depressing, but you truly have helped a lot, but I really hate myself for being the friend that tried to take my wife from me.  I can't really blame him.  The only person that took her from me, was me.  I fucked up in so many ways I can't even count.  But thank you for being a friend for now.  I need it more than I admit, but eventually, it will have to end.

I try to act like things don't bother me.  Everyone does.  Everyone also needs an outlet.  With Facebook no longer active for me, and no friends to read whatever I might've posted there, this blog is the only outlet I have.  Perhaps I should try going out to clubs or bars.  But why?  To meet more people that will only leave in the end?  It's not like I have anything to offer any of them.  I'm not attractive.  I'm not looking for a "good time".  I'm not the best conversationalist in the club scene.  I'm a nerd, dork, geek, techie...  Whatever.  My kind isn't suited for being in 'popular' venues.  I mean, Christ, I'm a 35 (NOT 38!) year old man that plays video games, watches cartoons ranging from giant robots to pastel ponies, and sits in front of a computer and whines about his "feelings".

In the end, it all boils down to being alone.  That's where I've been for nearly the last decade, and that's where I'll stay.  After I drop my son off for the weekend in Virginia tomorrow, I'll spend the drive back in silence and drown myself in alcohol and work.