Post Black Friday Post

Black Friday wasn't what I expected.  It wasn't in the insanity I had assumed it would be.  That insanity came later.  Near the end of the day, I started to not feel very well.  I grabbed the bottle of Dr Pepper/Malibu and poured it down the sink and trashed the remains.  I went home and dealt with the horrible feeling, which was only bad heartburn.  Still, hard to breath or get comfortable, and it brought back feelings of when this was an everyday thing because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

So, I get home and crawl into bed.  I forego any leftover T-day dinner.  I stayed in that bed until about an hour ago.  The most movement was getting comfortable and texting a few people.  One to sell off some of my camera equipment and announce my retirement from photography.  One to wish well because her boyfriend nearly tore his eye out.  And the other, well...  She knows.

I've started to wonder exactly what it is that I am.  I'm confused.  I don't know what people expect from me.  Each person has different expectations, I understand, and there are only certain people's expectations that I care about.  It is those that concern me the most.  What am I?  Am I a friend?  Am I something more?  Am I just someone you call when you need something?  Am I amusement when you get bored?  I don't know.  I hate not knowing.  My cat-like nature and curiosity will not rest until the mystery is solved or I get bored.

I was told to stop trying to figure it out, which leads me to believe that I'm not meant to know where I stand.  So, if that be the case, it reminds me of a time long ago when someone referred to me as their 'fallback crush'.  Someone that was there for romance or entertainment when the person they really wanted wasn't available.  That pissed me off, because I'm not a second choice.  I'm an all or nothing guy.  When I choose something, I'm either all in or I don't care at all.  I'm like that with my job, my hobbies, and people.  Right now, my job is still all in, because I need money.  My hobby is all out due to discouragement and lack of motivation.  Different people have different levels, but a couple in particular have me in a state of flux.  I can't stand being like this.