Perfectly Preoccupied Pony Payday

So today was payday.  I did what I needed to do, and then I did a lot that I should not have done.  I got my hair cut (should do).  I ate at the food court at the mall (should NOT do).  Been drinking for the last 2 hours (should and should not do).  Someone told me that alcohol was a depressant.  I always believed it was a mood enhancer.  If you were already depressed, it made you moreso.  If you were happy, it made you happier.  If you were angry, it put you where I am.

I can't go into the reasons that I feel angry, because that's a lot to type right now while I have the motor skills of a monkey having an epileptic seizure.  Long story short, I posted a song earlier on my soon to be non-existent Facebook that basically put my mood to lyrics.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut"
"My weakness is that I care too much."
"And my scars remind me that the past is real."
"I tear my heart open, just to feel."

There are many further lyrics in the song, but that's the basis.  I care too much, and I do far too much to help people that care little for me.  The people you call friends that stab you in the back or use you just when they need something.  They fuck up, apologize, get back in your good graces and repeat the cycle all over again.  I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of those people.  I'm considering a complete change in lifestyle.  Fuck having friends.  Fuck photography.  Fuck fetishes.  Someone said that I needed to be like the old Matt and less like the new one.  Well, the new one is out for one thing.  Me.  I'll take care of my son, my bills, but all that's gonna matter is whether or not I have a good time.  I'm tired of worrying about all these other people that wouldn't give a flying fuck when you're having an issue.  "Oh, your car payment is behind?  Here, let me help you."  No.  That shit doesn't happen.  I'm fucking sick of it.  I'm so close to losing control and slipping back into the Matt that only knows or shows anger.  Even the Valium and antidepressants can't fight this shit.  I'm just so close to being done.  FUCKING.  DONE.