I said earlier in the week that if I dropped below 20 friends on Facebook that I would eliminate it. Well, as some of you may know, I've never been much of a social person. That said, I never had a lot of 'friends' to begin with. So, when I made that statement, I was already at 20. Well, something popped up today while I was already in a foul mood and pushed me over the edge. I dropped below that 20 mark, so I have discontinued the use of Facebook indefinitely. It still sits there, being used for all those sites that allow you to "log in using Facebook", but that's about it. No 'friends', no more updates, no more photos, nothing. Done. The people that wanna get in touch with me know how.
The photography site was eliminated a while back. After my trials and failures lately, I gave it up. I made mistakes and crossed from professional to personal and allowed my judgement and emotion to get confused. As a result of that, it destroyed my ability to separate whether what I was doing was for professional reasons or personal entertainment. It wasn't bad enough that my confidence in my own work was horrible. I see so many photographers these days and see the work they do and it shatters my confidence, something I don't have an abundance of. So, I've given that project up.
Finally, my self esteem has hit an all time low. I know I'm not a horrible person. I know I'm not the best looking individual. However, after 7 years of being alone, I had gotten over those things. I had gotten used to being alone and used to the fact that I was never going to be in demand from anyone. I was fine with that, because I've gotten so used to being worthless that for anyone to waste their time on me would only make me feel worse. Then it happened, and I don't know why. Sometimes I still feel as if there was something wrong there, but someone paid attention to me, and I let it get to me. Like a stray kitten, a little attention was shown and I latched on. All my focus was targeted on that one person, even knowing that I wasn't welcome. Finally when the time came (now) to end that facade, I was the one that broke my own heart. I let myself care when I swore long ago that I would never let myself do that again. And now, I swear that again. I won't let myself do that, and I plan to stick with it this time.
How do I plan to stop myself from letting that happen? By making myself completely undesirable to anyone (which confuses me, as I thought I already was) and returning to the ways of the past. Being an asshole and pushing everyone away. No friends. No nothing. As the Japanese call them, hikikomori. Social outcasts, so withdrawn from society that they prefer isolation and confinement to interacting with people.
I never had many friends to begin with, and those that I called friends either betrayed me or disappeared from my life. Those that didn't either will or can no longer have anything to do with me for whatever reasons, though they are good reasons. Regardless, I go back to my solitary life. That's how it's gotta be. Me, my son, my medications, my games, my books, my work, whatever else can't run away.
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