Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have bad days. Sometimes you have days that are in between. Then there are days that start as one and end as another. Then you have completely different time periods. Weeks. Months. Years.
It's been a rough year for me. Not as bad as other people by far, but rough enough for me to take note. My car of 4 years, the 1995 Lexus, got to the point of no return, so I sold it off for parts. I took that money and financed a 2007 Dodge Caliber. I liked it. Not a lot of power, but a lot of room. Plus it was a pretty sporty looking thing. 3 days later, I was involved in a hit and run accident where I was rear ended hard enough to total my new car. So, after owning this car for three days, I was without a car again. Luckily my insurance covered a rental, which I used for a while. They offered me optional insurance to cover anything that might happen to the vehicle. I replied, "Sure, it's only 35.00 extra, right?" (I had only ever rented a car for a day or two at a time). The gentleman said, "Yes." So I agreed, signed my name and drove off in the beast of a vehicle they gave me.
Nearly two weeks later, my rental period was up and the Caliber was demolished and paid for. I received minor compensation for my loss, but not enough to move forward with getting a new vehicle. But, upon returning the rental, the company informed me that I owed them 500.00 to cover the insurance that I chose to use. I was dumbfounded. I told them that I was told it was only 35.00. They informed me that was a per day fee. I was livid and said I refused to pay it. Well, I had no choice as they had my card on file and had already taken my money. So now I had no car and was flat broke.
At this point I was at a low that I hadn't reached before. I had no car, no money, my photography was going nowhere and I was being shit on by the universe. I would come home, sit in my room or lay on my bed and just think, because I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything else. It must have been bad because my stepfather actually took pity on me and loaned me enough for a down payment on a new vehicle. Enter the 2011 Hyundai Elantra.
So now we're fairly current. I haven't wrecked this one yet. I did get rear-ended, but no damage was done. However, the next tragedy of this year came at the end of the barrel of a gun.
While leaving work one night, I got in my car and was about to shut the door when I heard a tapping on the window. Thinking it was one of the other employees that had just left, I looked over and saw a gun pointed at my head. My first thought was that this couldn't really be happening. Then the fear took hold. Not a normal type of fear where your body starts to shake and your pulse starts to race. No. This was different somehow. I remember the incident clearly, but I swear it was if I watched it happen to someone else. I lost my phone, my wallet and my car keys that night. I could have lost my life, and at that point the only person I thought of was my son. I didn't want to leave him behind. If it had happened a week or so later, my outlook would have been different. If it had happened last week? I'd have dared him to pull the trigger. See which one of us had more to lose. Did he want to go to jail for killing someone? Did I care if I lived or died? Last week, I wouldn't have known.
So now we're totally current. I've been up and down on a rollercoaster of emotion lately. I've been up and down and left and right. Funny how girls can do that to ya. I reached highs I hadn't felt in years, and fell to lows that I thought I would never feel again. I felt confusion and elation. Basically, all the emotions that people say come with being in love. I denied that. I couldn't be in love. I'm immune to that. I don't have human emotions. There's just an ice block where my heart used to be. Love is something for normal, attractive people. Not people like me that always get that side-glance of 'what the fuck is that?'.
Anyway, I'm almost balanced back on a 'normal' level, but I'm still a little lower than I'd like to be, but that won't change for a while. That part is out of my control. All I can do is sit back and watch and wait to see what happens. That's the part I hate most. I hate being powerless or helpless.
This brings me to my final point for this entry. The only emotion I will admit to having. Anger. It takes a lot to make me angry, and when I get angry, I become something that I truly hate. I turn into this virulent and malicious spirit of pure spite. I say the most hurtful things without regard to how it could have lasting effects on that person or on the relationship I may have with that person.
And one way to make me angry is to 'use' me. There are many different ways you can assume this scenario. If I arrange a deal, let's say I give you an old phone of mine and you offer to pay me a certain price for it when you get the money, then you should probably do it. Just because you quit your job or whatever is no excuse to avoid paying a debt you owe.
If we're 'friends' and I do you favors and we go out and are all cool and everything, and you turn around and stab me in the back, that's called betrayal, and yeah, that'll cause anger issues.
Basically, you can lie to me, treat me like shit, talk bad about me, whatever. I take all that shit as it comes. Stealing from me is a minor thing. Objects can be replaced. Trust is earned, and once you lose that, you'll have a damn hard time getting it back from me. And finally, I am very protective of those that I care about. I'm not a big guy. I don't have a lot of friends. But if you fuck with someone I care about, you can be fucking certain that I can find some way to make your life miserable. Trust me on that. Fucking trust me.
And yeah, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm angry.
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