I'm not calling for a second chance.

"And maybe someday we will meet,"
"And maybe talk, and not just speak."
"Don't buy the promises,"
"Cuz there are no promises I keep."
"And my reflection troubles me,"
"So here I go..."

I sit here at work as I begin this blog.  Likely, it won't be posted until after I get home due to lack of internet at my place of employment.  Still, it gives me time to organize thoughts and consider topics and all that razzle-dazzle.  I have a few ideas floating around in this convoluted cranium of mine, so we shall start with something that has recently become a topic of concern to me.

Addiction.  I don't necessarily mean drugs or alcohol or anything illegal, but addiction can take many forms.  Some are harmless, some are not.  So let's go with some examples from my personal life.

At this time of the year, I get an addiction to all things pumpkin flavored.  Pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin air fresheners...  You get the idea. I go crazy,  but by the end of the season, I'm burned out on it and I wait until this time rolls around again next year to start the cycle all over again.  A harmless addiction.

Now, addictions take many forms.  Let's go to the next example.  It's not quite harmful, unless you don't understand the concept of moderation.  Alcohol.  Some people may not consider this an addiction, but it is.  That's why there are counseling groups for people to recover from this issue.  From the time I was around 22, I began drinking.  For me, it was a fun social thing.  I was out with friends, we had fun, and all was well.  Mostly.  Sure, I had some instances where I got drunk and kissed a few guys at a party, but there was no harm, and the girls enjoyed it.  However, as time went on, I started to drink more, and with less friends, until eventually I was drinking alone, at home, watching TV or playing video games (not a good idea).  I realized I had a slight issue, but then I met my wife, and that stopped, mostly.

After my wife and I split, a different addiction altogether, I found another addiction, and this one nearly killed me.  To this day, I'm still suffering the effects.  Opiates.  Pain killers.  Percocets, Vicodin, whatever I could find.  I almost overdosed a few times.  That fear of death made me cut back, but not stop.  Until one night at work, I had been popping pills all day, and after leaving, I felt like I was going to die.  I thought my heart was going to stop.  I went to the emergency room, but they could find nothing wrong with me.  I hadn't overdosed.  I wasn't going to die. I had, however, nearly destroyed my stomach with all the medication and because of that, I'm in the situation I'm in now.  Since then, no more pain killers.  No more caffeine.  No more alcohol.  My main vices were gone.  I had only one left, but we won't talk about that one.

Finally, my last example of addiction isn't so much and addiction in the traditional sense, but it sometimes feels that way.  Many people can agree.  Love.  When you're in love, you want it around you all the time.  Everything you do is for love.  It becomes your everything.  Then, when it is gone, you feel as if life isn't worth living. It becomes a soul crushing experience to simply exist.  By extension, even if love isn't there, one can become addicted to people.  Family, friends, etc..  When you get used to something being there and it goes away, you can have a version of withdrawals.  Break ups, military deployments, different schools, vacations, moving away, and death.  They can all have the same effect.

Humans are creatures of habit.  We like things the way we like them, and mostly, we don't like change.  Back to myself, I have reverted to a way of thinking and being that I had not been in for some time.  After being single and celibate for 7 years, I made the mistake of allowing myself to feel emotion again.  I knew it was a mistake, and in the end, I got punched in the heart.  Also, betrayal.  Getting stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend.  When you open yourself up and start to get used to things, that is when the Divine Fluffy One intervenes and takes things from you.

So, various forms of addiction, at least according to my own point of view.  And now, things are regressing.  I've returned to caffeine.  I've started back on Red Bull. I've started drinking alcohol.  I'm returning to old habits, all because of one addiction.  Companionship.  The most basic of human needs, and yet, the one I struggle hardest to deal with.  With my personal issues, I just cannot maintain any sort of relationship, friendship, or anything that involves another person, because eventually I will drive them away.

I am a hedgehog.