Hiatus

Let me preface this entry by stating that this blog will be going on hiatus, if not terminated indefinitely.  Lately, things have been heading in a direction that I don't care to record.  If there are any people reading this, I don't care to depress them, and if I am simply typing these words for myself, I'd care not to remember.

I'll start by breaking habit and talking about a dream I had.  It's short, so not worthy of my dream blog.  It involved a long text message conversation with a girl whom we shall call Melisande.  She and I had been chatting for some time, but the last text message she sent before the dream ended said, "I miss you."  At that point I woke up and reached for my phone to reply to the message, only to realize that I had about to send "I miss you, too" to someone that would have had no idea what I was talking about.

This is why the blog is going on hiatus.  I got myself into a fucked up situation and I further fucked it up by carrying on in a manner of behavior that I'm ashamed of.  I further, FURTHER fucked it up by doing something I expressly said I would NOT do when asked, and for that I deserve whatever happens.  After two days of binge drinking, the alcohol collided with the antidepressants putting me into a low that I had not known in some time.  Suicidal thoughts and such.  Thoughts alone, mind you.  I could never do it.  I could never do what my father did to me and I could not do that to my son or the people I care most about.  Still, I deserve whatever happens because of my behavior.

I wish beyond all else that I could make things right.  I wish that things were different.  I wish I weren't so damned emotional.  But most of all, I wish for her to be happy.  If my suffering will lead to her happiness, then I'll gladly bear it and do what I've done for the last 7 years.

This is Matthew Levi, signing off for a while.  Good night.