Apotheosis

I haven't been writing much lately.  There have been a few reasons why, but they mainly center around repetition.  There are only so many ways that one can write about how lonely he is or how unfair the world is or how much in love with someone he is or all of that.  So, I've held back on those.  I also don't have any anger issues to let fly, so I can't spew venomous bile across the landscape.  So what else is there?  Humorous quips to make my audience chuckle?  Well, that might work if I had an audience.  Well, an audience of more than two or three.  One at the least.

In any case, I felt I had to write this one.  I've been watching this show, and it's a love drama type deal.  I know, I know.  Not the best viewing material for someone in my state of mind.  Still, I enjoy watching these things because I can't experience them in reality, and I try to imagine how I would react if I were in those situations.  Would I do better or worse?  I'll never know, and never knowing is part of what this show is about.

The main male protagonist is a first year in college, and an amnesiac.  He had an accident and remembers nothing before he was 18 years old.  He left home to go to college in another city to get away from friends and family because he felt he was surrounded by strangers and in a 'prison' of sorts.  So to start life new, he enters college far from home and starts to make new friends and start a new life as a new man.  8 episodes in and I feel for the guy.  I know drama well.  We used to drink nightly, and might still in the future.  But anyway, I'm an emotional guy.  I get teary eyed sometimes, and what this guy is dealing with made me think that if I were in his situation, I couldn't take it.

But that's the point of this entry.  I feel like I'm that guy.  Not an amnesiac, but little by little, things are disappearing from my life.  I know that's how life goes.  People die, or move on, or drift apart.  I get that.  But over the last year, it seems like so much has just vanished.  Even new people and experiences... just gone.  So it makes me wonder how long it will be before I have to start over.

At one point in the show, he tells this girl that he loves her.  He knows it's kind of a lost cause, because she's been fixated on the same guy since they were kids, even if that guy doesn't feel the same way about her.  Still, main guy tells her he loves her, and she shoots him down, and still wants to remain the best of friends with him.  Eventually, he tells her he can't be friends with her anymore because it hurts too much to see her acting friendly when she's just thinking of that other guy.

Again, I've felt like this guy.  Growing up, I had a couple of guy friends, but way more female friends.  Guys didn't really like me because I talked to girls in a respectable way, and the girls would talk back.  I was never a romantic option due to my less than attractive nature, but it made other guys mad that the girls would talk to me about certain things and not them.  Once or twice, when a girl couldn't have the guy she wanted, she would come to me and try to mess around.  I'd have to turn her away, because as I've said, I'm an all or nothing guy.  I'm no one's fall-back crush.  No one's second choice.  I've felt that way all my life.  Never number one, but just good enough to be considered.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that things may have to change soon.  Perhaps when I find the right social environment and start meeting new people, I can come to terms with what I am and my role in the grand scheme of things.  Mostly, it will probably involve me just getting drunk and going home without accomplishing anything.  But I'm done sitting around and waiting.  I've met too many nice girls over the years and let my chances slip by while worse guys ended up destroying those girls' lives.  Of course, I'm no better.  I have nothing to offer a girl as far as the materialistic side of things goes.  But if intentions and effort were worth something, I'd be worth something.