16 Days

16 Days left in this dreadful year.  I'll be happy when it's gone and I'll take everything from this year and put it behind me.  I'm gonna pretend like this year never happened.  Next year, I'll start over fresh and hopefully things will go different.

Last post I mentioned that my drinking wasn't because of any one reason and that I have an easily addictive personality.  More and more, it's becoming true.  Or, rather, it's getting worse.  I'm drinking every day now.  Alone, obviously.  Money I could be spending elsewhere is going towards alcohol.  If I'm out, then it's a priority to get more.  I have a problem, and I need to deal with it.  I need to take a stance and call it quits.  Drop the bottles and be done, just like with relationships and friendships.

More and more lately, I've been feeling the anger building.  I know part of it has to do with the alcohol.  In combination with the antidepressants, it has the tendency to cause that reaction.  However, there are other factors at work and I'm losing my cool more often.  I lost my temper at work the other night and nearly made an employee quit.  I shut one guy up just by looking at him because I was that pissed.  I could feel my face burning and my mouth was far too slow to keep up with the torrent of hate that was flowing from my brain.

I'm not proud of myself, and I don't like what I've become over these last months.  But as I said, 16 more days and I'm done with this year and everything that came with it.

The Story Ain't Over...

Not by a long shot.

I know I haven't posted in a while.  At least, not by recent standards.  I realized that I posted more entries in the month of November alone than I did all of last year.  I guess I've had a lot built up over time.  Now I'm running out of things to say.  With this year drawing to a close, I figure it's time to start thinking about what needs to change in the coming year.

First off, I want to state that my drinking recently is not BECAUSE of any one person.  It's not because someone BROKE me.  It is the fault of no one but myself.  I have an addictive personality, and when I find something I like, I tend to go all out.  Since I rediscovered that I could drink, that part of me has come back in full force.  I used to drink all the time, by myself, with friends, social or not, it didn't matter.  By definition, that's an alcoholic.  So why do I do it?  Because it makes me feel like not me.  And not me is who I wanted to be when I began drinking.  Yes, I hit a rough patch for a while and it started me on this train, but I could have chosen to get off at any point, but I keep going.  Now, I need to find a reason to stop.  That's where the problem lies.  It's not WHY do I drink, but WHY SHOULDN'T I drink?

Also, we're drawing up on Christmas, which has become a rather lonely time in my family.  It's just my immediate household now.  Mom, Dad, me and my son.  Sisters are far away.  No other family to care about nearby.  No friends.  I always get nostalgic around this time of year.  The music, the smell of burning wood in the cold winter air, the clear night sky... It all reminds me of my youth and the Christmas holidays that I spent at different family events.  It's kinda sad to know that my son will likely never have that.  We have each other, and that's probably how it'll stay for a few more years, until he finds a girlfriend.

I know this is a short post, but the hour draws late, and the alcohol runs low.  Also, I'm old and lazy.  So, I end this here.

I forgot to put a title, so here it is.

I just got home from a hellish day at work.  Nothing too stressful, but annoying and long.  Days like that give me too much time to think, and as things are at Dramano's, people can't shut up about stuff that isn't their business.  So they always have to pry into everyone else's private lives.  Well, the joke is on them.  My life ain't so private. I'll talk about whatever in a heartbeat and don't give a damn about hiding anything.  That, and I have nothing going on.

So, I made this Facebook post the other day about how people at work questioned how it is that I've gone 7 years without companionship.  While my friend Chad did bring up the point that I have my son, a constant companion and my best little buddy, I should clarify that the person was likely referring to adult companionship.

Now, I may be weird in saying this, and anyone that knows me knows how my mind works, but I have no interest in sex. It may make me seem strange to some people, but if it happens, it happens.  I'm more interested in the hugs, the cuddles, kisses whenever we see each other, watching movies together, and things like that.  What it seems is that I want a really close friend of the female persuasion, but the DFO has determined that I do not need one of those. I'll admit, I enjoyed having someone to talk to for the few weeks that I did, but I spent 7 years being single and celibate.  I can do it again.

I will admit, I'm falling back into bad habits to get this done.  Up until about a month or so ago, I hadn't had alcohol in 4 years.  Now if I'm not at work, I'm almost constantly drinking.  I know I've heard people say that they do drugs or drink because they don't want to feel like themselves, and I can totally understand that.  I mean, there's not much to me to begin with.  I play video games, I watch anime, I watch TV shows, I watch movies, I play with my son, I work for a pizza place.  That's about it.  I have nothing else going on.  Photography was great, but I think I ruined that, despite all the good things that came from it.

I dunno.  Sometimes I feel like I have more to say that I really do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to one specific person, and sometimes I feel like the whole world is listening.  And then there's the times where I feel like I'm just typing this out for the future me to read later on and go, "What the fuck was wrong with you?"

The Cure - "Love Song"

Too Much

This is an excerpt from one of my poetic journals called Spiral Staircase.  Not really a poem, just something I jotted down while I thought I was being artistic.  I now type it out as I've had a shitload to drink and I think I'm on the border of drunk and being sick.

"Alone, standing in the void,"
"The only light shining from high above,"
"He takes his first step."
"The spiral staircase twirls."
"The path is clear and seems unending."
"The step holds firm."
"With a sigh of relief, the next step."
"Voices cry out, his head spins,"
"And again, the step holds."
"With confidence, he strides,"
"Treading the spiral of glass."
CRACK!
"A step fractures, his face clouds."
"Worried, he steps forward."
CRACK!
"With each step, another crack."
CRASH!
"His foot falls through the glass."
Pain surges as the glass tears through his skin."
"Slowly, he pulls his foot out,"
"and carefully steps forward."
CRASH!
"The other foot crashes through the glass."
"He cries out for help"
"as he pulls his wounded foot out."
"Careful to be gentle with each bloody step,"
"he waits to see what the glass will do."
"No sound."
"He continues on, blood trailing on the fractured glass."
"Suddenly, his legs give out and he falls,"
"breaking through the glass."
"His body is sliced and cut."
"One hand, barely, grasps the sharp edges."
"Cutting. tearing, hurting, "
"He wants to scream,"
"he wants to let go, but, "
"he pulls himself up, struggling for the top.
"Battered, broken, bleeding and bruised,"
"the young heart reaches the top of the spiral."
"The light, so warm..."
"He steps forward, into the light, the staircase shatters around him."
"His eyes awaken from the dream.."
"He rolls over to look at her, his light at the top of the stairs..."
It was worth it.


I don't really know where this was going when I wrote it, or why I'm posting it now.  I just know that I'm feeling strange and I needed to do something.

Intermission

The last post was a 'poem' that I had written years ago.  It was written long before my marriage, long before my current situation, and will probably hold relevance long after this has passed.  I was going through my old book of poetry that I put together over the course of 6 years.  I just picked that one out to start with.

Right now, I've had a lot to drink.  More than I've had in 5 years.  Typing is hard to do, but isn't everything?  So, I'm typing out my thoughts in an attempt to remember what's going through my head right now, so when I wake up tomorrow or some time in the future, I'll look at this and say, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

But yeah.  Things have gotten physically better in the past few months.  My stomach isn't rebelling against me as much as it used to.  My medication is working fine.  I've got more energy than I used to have.  However, on the mental side, I'm drained.  I'm emotionally fucked, mentally drained, and overall a clusterfuck of feels.  I'm tired all the time, unless I'm actively engaged in some sort of project like work or hobby.  If I'm not at work or out on the town, I'm lying in bed, asleep or watching Netflix.

I made the mistake of feeling again, which I've stated over many recent blogs.  But I feel it's time to put that behind me.  I've told her so.  It's best for both of us, and I can tell she's already put it behind her.  That's good.  Granted, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness, but it's for the best.  I won't put myself in that situation again.  Photography is done, so I won't be getting involved with models again.  I'm going back to the old ways of me, my son and my job.

Anuptaphobia

An excerpt from my collection of poetry and musings:

Why now?

After all this time, why now?

I've been alone for so long,

outcast for so long.

Why does loneliness bother me now?

I've been in love before,

and she loved me too.

We called each other our soulmates,

soulmates destined to be together.

Now, years later, we barely talk anymore.

We were in love.

I know the things I'm missing.

The touch, the caress, the kiss.

It hurts to think about what I had,

the chance I may never have it again.

Better to have loved and lost

than to have never loved at all?

To love is grand, to be in love is divine?

So to have love and lose it

is better than never knowing what you're missing?

No one wants to be alone.

No one wants to be left behind.

Everyone wants happiness in their lives.

But what can't always have what we want,

can we?

Apotheosis

I haven't been writing much lately.  There have been a few reasons why, but they mainly center around repetition.  There are only so many ways that one can write about how lonely he is or how unfair the world is or how much in love with someone he is or all of that.  So, I've held back on those.  I also don't have any anger issues to let fly, so I can't spew venomous bile across the landscape.  So what else is there?  Humorous quips to make my audience chuckle?  Well, that might work if I had an audience.  Well, an audience of more than two or three.  One at the least.

In any case, I felt I had to write this one.  I've been watching this show, and it's a love drama type deal.  I know, I know.  Not the best viewing material for someone in my state of mind.  Still, I enjoy watching these things because I can't experience them in reality, and I try to imagine how I would react if I were in those situations.  Would I do better or worse?  I'll never know, and never knowing is part of what this show is about.

The main male protagonist is a first year in college, and an amnesiac.  He had an accident and remembers nothing before he was 18 years old.  He left home to go to college in another city to get away from friends and family because he felt he was surrounded by strangers and in a 'prison' of sorts.  So to start life new, he enters college far from home and starts to make new friends and start a new life as a new man.  8 episodes in and I feel for the guy.  I know drama well.  We used to drink nightly, and might still in the future.  But anyway, I'm an emotional guy.  I get teary eyed sometimes, and what this guy is dealing with made me think that if I were in his situation, I couldn't take it.

But that's the point of this entry.  I feel like I'm that guy.  Not an amnesiac, but little by little, things are disappearing from my life.  I know that's how life goes.  People die, or move on, or drift apart.  I get that.  But over the last year, it seems like so much has just vanished.  Even new people and experiences... just gone.  So it makes me wonder how long it will be before I have to start over.

At one point in the show, he tells this girl that he loves her.  He knows it's kind of a lost cause, because she's been fixated on the same guy since they were kids, even if that guy doesn't feel the same way about her.  Still, main guy tells her he loves her, and she shoots him down, and still wants to remain the best of friends with him.  Eventually, he tells her he can't be friends with her anymore because it hurts too much to see her acting friendly when she's just thinking of that other guy.

Again, I've felt like this guy.  Growing up, I had a couple of guy friends, but way more female friends.  Guys didn't really like me because I talked to girls in a respectable way, and the girls would talk back.  I was never a romantic option due to my less than attractive nature, but it made other guys mad that the girls would talk to me about certain things and not them.  Once or twice, when a girl couldn't have the guy she wanted, she would come to me and try to mess around.  I'd have to turn her away, because as I've said, I'm an all or nothing guy.  I'm no one's fall-back crush.  No one's second choice.  I've felt that way all my life.  Never number one, but just good enough to be considered.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that things may have to change soon.  Perhaps when I find the right social environment and start meeting new people, I can come to terms with what I am and my role in the grand scheme of things.  Mostly, it will probably involve me just getting drunk and going home without accomplishing anything.  But I'm done sitting around and waiting.  I've met too many nice girls over the years and let my chances slip by while worse guys ended up destroying those girls' lives.  Of course, I'm no better.  I have nothing to offer a girl as far as the materialistic side of things goes.  But if intentions and effort were worth something, I'd be worth something.