So, not much has really happened since my last update. I went to the hospital Monday night for what I thought was an allergic reaction to my antidepressant. I was wrong. Turns out it was an adverse reaction from the antidepressant to my acid-reflux medication. The two of those combined said, "Nuh uh! You're gonna have a bad night!"
So, I'm not on that medication anymore. They've moved me over into tranquilizer land. I'm part of the Xanax family now. Yay. I can honestly say that it works. Once the medication kicks in, anxiety and everything else just goes away. I drift off into sleepy land.
Aside from that fun stuff, I made a blog to record my dreams as I remember them:
The past couple of days for me have been a little down. I've cut back on the medication I was on because I don't believe that it's really what I needed. The doctors keep giving me different prescriptions in order to find something that they think will work, but so far, they've had no luck.
Anyway, I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few days. I've recently transferred out of a store I've worked at for over a year and back to a store that's closer to home. The pros are that I'm closer to home and it'll save me gas. The cons are that I'm away from something I became familiar with over the course of my time there. I got used to the customer base. I got used to the location. I got used to the people. And I'm gonna miss some of that. I don't really like change. In fact, it outright upsets me.
So, with that change going on, and the change in medication every so often, my mental state is in somewhat of a fucked flux. At some times, I'm fine. Some times I'm a little loopy. Some times, like now, I'm pretty down. I've got that feeling of being unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary and undesirable. It doesn't help that I really have no one to talk to anymore. I guess that's one thing that always balanced out the negativity in my mind. Of course, I understand why I don't have anyone to talk to, and that's because life moves on. No one can stay in the same place forever, no matter how much I want. So, now I'm just dealing with life on my own. Myself and my son who, as much as I love him and he loves me, isn't really the best conversationalist. He keeps me sane, and insane at the same time. That's the life of a parent, I guess.
On the note of the above, I've been having a lot of dog dreams lately. I'm not sure where they're all coming from, other than the fact that I want a dog. I dunno. I guess it falls back on the desire to be needed. And yes, I know that my son needs me, and he will always have me until one of these medications kills me. But still, who doesn't want a cuddly little ball of fluff and adoration?
Hopefully this new medication (once I can afford to get it) will do the trick. I hate feeling like this, and having no expressive outlet. Anyway, on to the end of the post.
I know I just made a post last night, but since that one was short and rather bland, I figured I'd give it another go today.
Last night, I had a pretty freaky dream. There was a planet-wide epidemic where people were being turned into a sort of adrenaline zombie. They were hyped up on this sort of drug which caused them to lose all sanity and just try to get as much adrenaline pumping through their system as possible. I was on a team of people that were tasked to end this situation. We found a guy that was tearing through a park and we cornered him. After managing to subdue him, we recovered some of the drug that he had on him. The drug was in the form of a small moist towelette that you wipe just under your eyes. The chemical would soak through the skin, turn your irises white and go straight for the brain causing the change. One of my team members, a girl that I was apparently close to, stated that we needed to watch the changes from beginning to end to find out how to deal with them. So, she took the drug before and of us could stop her. After the shock wore off, we managed to restrain her and watch as it took effect.
From there, the dream shifted to me being with someone else, and we were watching a concert. Whether it was on TV, or the computer, or live, I couldn't tell. But she and I were watching this concert of a band that I enjoyed and she never really cared for, but I could tell that she was having a good time.
Unfortunately, there is where I woke up. Nothing else to report right now. Probably gonna take a nap to conserve energy for work later.
Tonight, I want to talk about nostalgia. We all have something that takes us back to a time in our life where everything just seemed... fine. Nothing was wrong. They were better days. And now we wish we could regain that feeling. A lot lately, I've been flashing back to my past. Songs take me back, smells, books, movies... Each of the items I'm gonna discuss take me to a certain point in my life, a set of events that I honestly shouldn't remember because there was nothing remarkable about it, but for some reason, it just sticks out.
"Mr. Mister - Broken Wings"
This song always takes me back to one particular night. I don't know why, but my mom and I had just left Roses, which back in the day was just a notch higher than K-Mart. Mom had bought me a new Transformer toy, one of the Insecticons, Shrapnel. And across the street from that Roses was an apartment complex that a friend of the family lived in, so we drove over there. That song played on the radio on the drive over, so now, every time I hear that song, I always flash back to that memory. I was probably about 6 or 7, so don't ask why I remember that.
"Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend" (Album)
Back in the days of cassettes, when you stopped listening to something, it stayed at that point unless you changed it by rewinding or fast forwarding. This particular album was always being played as I read the Apprentice Adept series by Piers Anthony. So now, whenever I hear a song from that album, I flash back and remember parts of the series that I wouldn't otherwise think of.
"Lunar: Eternal Blue OST"
This, as well as a few others (Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise), defined my early days on the internet. The game had just released on Sega CD and America Online was one of the only ways to get onto the web. This was back when having a computer that could play an MP3 was rare. WAV files were all the rage, but having a full song was an insane thought. It wasn't until I upgraded from a 66mhz computer that I could actually play an MP3 file. But this soundtrack was one of the first that I managed to get thanks to a website (probably on Angelfire or Geocities) that allowed downloads of the music. So, as I was chilling in AOL chat rooms and such, this was the soundtrack of those times.
I had intended for this post to be longer and more detailed, but I'm sick, it's getting late and I can't think of anything else right now. Maybe there will be an addendum to this post later.
"I say I wanna be happy, but I quickly forget." "Will I sabotage all the good I've got left?" "Depression's like a big fur coat." "It's made of dead things but it keeps me warm."
It's been a strange last week for me. My contact with the outside world has been pretty scarce. I've left my phone alone for a lot of the time. A few text messages here and there. Nothing major. Trying to break my dependance. Trying to do a lot of things. We'll see how that works out. Anyway, on to the stuff!
Dreams. Fuckin' hell. I had this dream last night where I was communicating with the spirits of three dead girls. I'd say they were between 5 and 10, but I was talking to their ghosts as clearly as I would talk to a normal person. I'm not sure exactly what was going on, but I believe I was helping them to solve their murders. It didn't last long before I was zipped into the next portion of a dream.
In this one, I was in a school. I recognize the layout as my old junior high. The classes were weird. It was like everyone was afraid. If you missed class, there would be harsh penalties. Me, being the person I am, didn't give a shit and walked out the front door. Once outside, it was the parking lot of the local mall. I began walking to my car and realized I was being followed. I turned around in time to see a group of about 5 guys, one with a gun raised. He pulled the trigger as a threw my arms up in a vain effort to block the bullet. I took two shots in the left arm and it hurt like hell. I still recall seeing my forearm torn to hell and the blood splatters on my clothes. Next thing I recall was being taken back into some building. People were trying to deal with the wound while I kept protesting and saying I was fine.
Dreams are strange.
But back to reality. I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be. He asked some questions, I answered. He went off on side tangents, I listened and responded when asked. All in all, it went smoothly. He gave me drugs, I'll take them. We'll see how it goes. He seems to think that my 'depression' will be cured if I relocate. I think it might make it worse. I dunno. We'll see how the new medicine works.
(A day later...)
Well, the new medicine earns its "May Cause Drowsiness" label. I learned my lesson on that one. Definitely an after work med. I napped after taking it, woke up to go to work, passed out after getting home and slept until about 15 minutes ago. Anyway, I need to finish this post.
I'm having one of those nights. One of those nights that started as
soon as I woke up this morning. Right now, I've just got the urge to
punch something or hop in my car and drive recklessly across town. It's
one of THOSE nights. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, alone, and all
around fucked up.
I know what my problem is. I let myself care. Each time my ex and I
see each other, it's always a good time, and when the time comes to
separate, I never want to let go. However, I get beyond that because I
know that we can never be together again. This time... this time, I let
myself get too attached. All the old feelings came back, and I found
myself wanting to be with her again. I had even gone so far as to start
planning to move to where she lives just to be near her, even though I
knew it was only going to hurt me more. Right now, I'm feeling that,
even if only in the smallest dosage.
I can't be with her, and I need to get my head around that. I can't
allow myself to care, and this is why I've constantly told people that I
don't want a relationship. They always ask why I don't find someone
new, and I tell them that I just don't want it. The truth of the matter
is, I don't want it, because I can't have it. I'm not relationship
material. I'm broken. I'm not what anyone wants, and I honestly don't
understand why anyone would question that. I tell people that I'm too
busy or I don't have the money for a relationship, joking around that
'girls are expensive'. That's another truth. I can't afford it.
Financially or emotionally, I'm bankrupt. I'm gonna be alone, and I
need to deal with that.
I've known a lot of people to do dumb things when they're feeling like
this. I honestly don't understand how someone could do something so
drastic when bad moods like this usually pass in a few days. But
sometimes, just sometimes, I can understand WHY they do it. I have no
plans to die until a zombie rips my body apart. I kid. I'll definitely
shoot myself before that happens. Don't wanna be a zombie. Nasty
business.
Anyway, I had intended to go out and get alcohol, even though I haven't
had any in years. But, I never carry through with anything, so I'm just
gonna go to bed.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Where do I start? Hmmm. Well, I guess I'll start with the most
recent thing. I had this strange dream last night. Actually, more than
one strange dream. But I'll talk about the one that woke me up.
It
started off as a point of view from someone's camera. They were
recording a beach trip. The people on camera were unfamiliar with the
exception of my best friend, Candace. I could hear the voice of the man
behind the camera as she was just showing off her new bathing suit and
her friends were just being goofy. Eventually, she ran to the water and
jumped in.
At this point, the PoV switched to my own perspective. I could see the man behind the camera, and for some reason, it was Sam Witwer.
So now, I was watching the scene, yet no one could see me. It was like
I was a ghost watching the living. But she was playing in the water,
Sam lowered the camera and just watched from a distance.
Then, an older man in a suit, greyish lawyer looking attire, white
shirt, red tie, walked up to me and started talking. I was confused
because no one else could see me. He said, "You must really love her."
Again, I was confused, but nodded. He said something about me being
there must have something to do with being really interested in the
events of the area. I asked him what events he was talking about. He
mentioned something about some mass suicides to which I responded that I
had heard of no such thing. He handed me a newspaper that showed the
headlines of hundreds of people dead in apparent mass suicides, one of
the people being Candace. Again, confusion hit me like a brick. I had
just seen her in the water, so I turned, and she was still out there
playing with her friends.
I began to think this guy was crazy, so I accused him of such. He shook
the newspaper in my face again, and then I noticed the date. The date
on the paper was 2 weeks from the current date. Confusion was replaced
by shock. I asked him what that meant, if he was from the future. He
nodded and said that I could change it. "You would do anything to save
her, wouldn't you?", he asked. I nodded. He handed me the paper and
started to walk away. "You have 2 weeks and 12 souls to save. If you
can do that, you can save her life." And then he vanished, and I ran.
...and that's where I woke up! Sounds like the pilot episode of a TV show. I think I'd watch it. I dunno.
Beyond that, Candace came up to visit over the past few days as she came
to grab our son and take him back to Texas for Summer break. It was
great to just hang out again. We sat around and watched TV for hours.
We played some video games. We went out to eat. We unintentionally
played in the rain. We talked and had a great time. I got to use my
camera to document a bit of what went on, like the Kinect dance-off,
which she smoked me at. Phoenix was busy playing with Lego, so he
didn't compete in that. Though Soul Calibur got his attention, then he
got distracted by Portal 2 and Minecraft, leaving me and his mom to get
back to Storage Hunters.
..but when I do, it's nothing important.
So I made a TMITuesday post yesterday that revolved around sexual deviance. Today, I make a post that is similar in nature.
Some time last week I heard about this "condition" called hyper sexuality. Long story short, it's when someone thinks about things of a sexual nature a lot. Now, it goes withough saying that most guys think about sex a lot. My issues are a bit different. I am an admirer of the female form. I've stated this before. Generally, I'm not the kind of guy that lets my gaze linger when a girl walks by or is standing in front of me. I'm shy and prone to blushing if a cute girl says anything to me.
However, there are times when I'm like a different person. It's like a werewolf transformation. At completely random times, I'll have moments where I feel like an animal, and today was one of those times.
Today, a girl came up to me. Not by choice, really. I was at work, so I just happened to be the one she was stuck talking to. Anyway, I felt anxiety well up inside of me. I couldn't really say why. I saw this girl, tight fitting shirt, thing enough to see the zebra print bra or bikini top beneath it and shorts that barely covered her ass.
I could feel my face starting to flush as she left. Most guys would look at a girl like that and appreciate her for being a fine looking female. Myself? I imagined someone else dressed in that outfit and I was overcome.
So as a throwback to yesterday's post, I have an obsession. I say I am an admirer of the female form, and that is true. However, there is only one female that I admire, and every girl I see will forever remind me of her. And one day, it will probably drive me insane.
So, Diablo 3 launched about 15 hours ago. I've played for a total of 3 hours thus far. Currently, the service is down for fixin'. Yay Blizzard. So here's a TMITuesday blog post!
Honestly, I have an obsession. The obsession has a name. She knows about it. Anyway, the point of this is that it's TMITuesday, which means you all get to know something you didn't really care to know! So, my obsession is with a particular girl. That isn't unusual in itself, but the weird part is that I'm not obsessed in a way that most guys would be. Most guys would be all over a girl because she's hot or sexy or both. They'd wanna do things to her wherever they could. Me? While the idea of that is awesome, that's just what I enjoy. The ideas. The fantasies. I don't want to do those things, I'd rather watch others do them. I'm a hands off kinda guy.
Long story short, I enjoy watching other people have sex with this particular girl. I'm a freak. I know. There have been times I've gone out of my way to assist other guys in their relationships with her in the hopes that I get to watch.
So, there ya go. More information than you wanted or needed for your TMITuesday!
So, this is an odd occurrence. I made a post last night, and here I am again. Different reasons, and yet, the same. Apparently, the issues that I mentioned last night are affecting me more than I thought. Last night's dreams were rather upsetting. So, let us dive into that.
The majority that I remember involves my former wife, ex-wife (or however you wanna say it), and I relaxing on the bed, watching movies and having a good time. We were just having fun, enjoying each other's company, and that was all we needed. Beyond that, I don't recall much of this particular dream. It was a great feeling, and I realized when I woke up how much I missed that. I guess I lie to myself on a daily basis by saying I don't want a relationship, but I honestly don't think I could handle one. And I guess that makes it more sad.
The second dream involved me wandering the streets of a familiar neighborhood, trying to get somewhere, but being unable to. Each path was blocked by deep water. I couldn't get across or around. Eventually, I ended up falling in and drowning. That's where I woke up. No clue what that one was supposed to signify. Dreams are weird things.
But this is a short post. One, I'm posting this from my iPad, and it's not really fun to type on this. Two, I'm at work, so I have to pretend like I care. Three, not much has happened since the post from last night. If that changes, I'm sure another post will be made.
I have a problem. Well, I suppose that's an understatement. I have multiple problems, but I'm only here to address a few of those. This may change as I go along with this post. It all depends on how I feel at any given moment.
First off, the past few days have had me in a mood that absolutely despise being in. Despite KNOWING that I'm in a bad mood, despite KNOWING that I don't want to be in said mood, despite KNOWING that I'm being a dick, I can't stop. I don't know if it's because deep down I WANT to be an asshole, or it's just built up frustration, or maybe I'm just lashing out at the world because something else pissed me off. I'm not sure. This leads me into my first problem.
I'm an asshole. I know this. I don't try to hide it. I don't try to play nice. If I'm in a bad mood, you're damn sure gonna know about it. If I'm annoyed/angry/agitated with you, believe me, you'll be able to tell. The funny thing is, THAT'S not the problem. The problem is that I desire acceptance from everyone, but I don't really WANT acceptance. I want to feel needed, appreciated, but I don't want to be close enough to anyone to let that happen. I've got the hedgehog's dilemma:
"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid."
I've been burned before. I've been screwed over. I don't want friends because they only use you for a while until they can screw you over and then they just cut contact and go off to laugh about what a dumbass you were. So, despite wanting to be wanted, needed, I don't want anyone around me. That's another reason my Facebook friend list is less than 20. I honestly can't stand the majority of people, and definitely don't understand how they can stand me.
Continuing on with that, I have an intense desire to be social, but only with a select few people. When I'm in contact with said people, my mood is generally brighter. Like any drug, the longer you're off it, the worse the effects are until you just don't care anymore. Still, the withdrawals are a bitch, and I usually am as well.
Moving on from that point, we broach the topic of attachments. I form the weirdest attachments sometimes. Have you ever read a book or played a game and just fallen in love with a character? Like, to the point where you were sad when the whole experience was over because you would never have adventures or what have you with that character again? Probably not, but I do that from time to time. Currently, I have an unhealthy attachment to ...
I did a massive binge on Mass Effect, starting with the first game and burning all the way through to the third. The adventure was amazing. The ending... well, leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Still, playing through, I can't imaging my character romancing anyone but dear Tali'Zorah. Honestly, the choices are no-brainers. In Mass Effect 1, you had Ashley Williams or Liara T'Soni. Ashley looked horrible, and Liara's entire race is... extra equipped. That's not my bag. So, I skip the relations in that game and start courting Tali in the second game. There, you have genetically enhanced porn star Miranda, psychotic bitch Jack, or minor characters of no importance aside from being turned into human puree at some point. So Tali is my choice there. Then the third game comes along and offers a fuckton of options, but it's still Tali all the way. I ramble. I apologize. I caught her cheating on me...
Regardless. Going back to the beginning of this, I've been in a foul mood lately. I know what some of the reasons are, but I won't do anything about them. So, whatever. I close with a song.
This won't be one of my normal posts. I won't rant about something meaningless. I won't be making crude jokes or sexual innuendos. I'll keep my language tame and I'll make my point as best I can. This will be a post of serious observation.
We all have known at some point or another a person in our lives that strives for the best. They have goals and aspirations that they wish to achieve. The reach for the stars and beyond to improve themselves, their lives, their surroundings, or something else altogether. For whatever the reason, these people aim higher than most of us, and it's to that person that this is dedicated.
In all the time I've known you, you've always been reaching high. You've wanted to go above and beyond what you were and become more. You aimed for the stars in the hopes of becoming one. You wanted to be a celebrity in some fashion and set out to make that dream a reality. You've had your rollercoaster of successes and failures, but that has made you who you are. That person is my best friend and the only woman I will ever truly love.
We may have our disagreements and skirmishes, but getting beyond those has made us what we are, and I'm honestly very happy with that. I can't ask for a better partner in crime. I've watched you grow and bounce through many phases through our history, and I've had laughs and tears throughout. There were moments of pride and moments of fear and moments where I didn't even know what to expect.
Despite all of this, you're still reaching. You've set yourself up for a life that will bring you freedom and happiness. You're honestly more happy than I've ever seen you, even in the early days. Your goals are there, and I'm going to be there to cheer when you reach them. You continue to reach up keep aiming for the stars, but there's no need to become one. You already are a star, at least to two people. We love you, and we're proud of you, even if we don't always know how to say it.
So, all that said, I'll steal a cue from you, but I won't post lyrics, because they screwed me up before, hence why I'm on draft 2.
This will be a first. I'm going to be doing the majority of this post from my iPad, so forgive me if it comes off a little wonky, or there are typos, or it randomly autocorrects something I don't catch. So, that being said, let us get on to the weird stuff.
Sexism. I don't really discuss that topic a lot. Main reasoning behind that is that I'm a guy, so it doesn't really concern me all that much. Still, there are times when even I, as an adult-ish male have to shake my head in disdain at how certain things are perceived. So, being that this is me, we shall relate this to things that interest me. Video games and anime.
Let me start with my most immediate examples. First off, the Dynasty Warriors series is like crack to me. Currently, I'm playing both Dynasty Warriors Next and Dynasty Warriors Xtreme Legends. It's no secret that in games female characters are always portrayed to be sex objects. Sex sells. I get that. However, there are a few times when this goes overboard. So, with Dynasty Warriors, there is a character named Lian Shi, supposedly the most mature of the females in the game. I suppose that they use this as an excuse to give her a pair of breasts that are of such a size that smaller women (like Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao) should be sucked into the gravitational pull of those celestial orbs. If that weren't bad enough, her default outfit has a skirt that is so short that the act of riding a horse causes her to flash the entire battlefield. Granted, it may work as a distraction to the enemies, but I'm sure there are a few distracted soldiers on her side as well.
Then, on the opposite end of the massive mammary spectrum is a character by the name of Bao Sanniang. Not as endowed as Lian Shi, she sports a slimmer physique, but her attire and breast size are still out of proportion for someone that leaps around as she does in the game. And I'm pretty sure sports bras weren't military issue in the Three Kingdoms era.
And then there's Soul Calibur 5. I'm sure everyone has seen the marketing on this game, using Ivy's tits as a poster. According to the game's story, Ivy is supposed to be 47 at this point. Really? 47? This?
So, enough with games. There's tons of stuff to support the sexism in games point. I didn't even bring up Bayonetta. Great game.
So, on to anime. Again, nothing new in this area, but one I felt that I needed to point out was in this "final" season of Bleach. Orhime has always had large breasts by the standards of the other characters in the show, like Rukia, Tatsuki and Soi Fon, but this last season has increased her chest as much as Ichigo's power level.
As with my last post discussing the decline of the anime industry in America, I reiterate that it seems Japan's belief is that people will only watch anime if there are massive sweater yams on every female character. I suppose I understand the mentality of giving the horny boys what they wanna see, but not everyone wants "Eiken" (I'm not even gonna link that one) style breasts in their face.
But yeah. The trick of using overly sexed female characters to sell games is nothing new. Hell, I fall for that trick all the time, even KNOWING what they're doing. And I spend most of the time using the very characters I'm talking about. I'm a guy. I can't help myself. Sexism is there, I can't deny it, but I also can't fight it. But right now, I'll leave off on this rant about ta-tas with some Dynasty Warriors awesomeness, and then the usual closing image.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I understand that, but when the general consensus of opinion is contradictory to my own, does that make me wrong? Does that make me a bad person, to be shunned and despised by all for what I think? As you're reading this, you're probably thinking, "No, that doesn't make you a bad person.", but let's get into specifics. That's how I deal.
First off, let me start with the most egregious sin. I did not dislike Episodes I, II, or III of the Star Wars saga. Sure. Hayden Christensen was a shitty actor in the 2nd and 3rd parts, and Jar Jar Binks was a pile of shit, but other than that, it did not tromp on my childhood or make me curl up and cry. I do not hate George Lucas for allowing these movies to come into existence. I do not consider them to be the pinnacle of science fiction theater, nor do I put them down there with Battlefield Earth. So there is that.
Second, and I do this one next simply because of the immediate effect, I enjoy watching Bleach. The anime, not the cleaning agent. Granted, there were some parts that I could have done without, otherwise known as filler arcs. But the main story was good, and apparently I'm about a month out from the absolute end of the anime. The manga will apparently continue for a while, but the anime ends next month. There is a cry of HUZZAH from many across the internet, which I don't understand. They vilify Bleach as being long and drawn out, where characters fight for episodes on end and half of the episode (exaggerated) is recap from the previous one. Yet, these same people will sing the praises of Naruto, Dragon Ball, and One Piece. Fucking One Piece? Really? I can see the appeal of Naruto. I watched Dragon Ball up until Freddie Mercury Vegeta in GT, but fucking ONE PIECE? The dude ate some magic gum and has rubber arms or something! Only thing I remember about One Piece aside from that is a hotel room in Raleigh at an anime convention back in 2004, and I wasn't watching the TV.
Third, and this one is a sore point for me simply because that when I like something, I really like it. I pour all of my being into and cannot understand when someone else doesn't like it. I suppose that puts me in the same box with some of the creatures I don't like, but I'm not out trashing your shit and praising its demise daily (unless it's Twilight. I don't get it.). This is about the Wheel of Time. The final book releases in January next year, and I read an article about it on Topless Robot (a horrible source to use, but...). Here is a small excerpt:
"Good news for you poor bastards who are still slogging through Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series -- the final novel now has a release date. The Memory of Light will be released on January 8th, 2013, written by Brandon Sanderson from Robert Jordan's massive pile of Cheetos-stained notes for his dawdling, misogynistic fantasy epic. Admittedly, I stopped reading Wheel of Time after the sixth volume, Lord of Chaos, in which nothing happened over the course of 700 or so pages -- so I don't know if Sanderson has stayed true to Robert Jordan's original vision of a magical land where women are only bitches or sluts (although they tend to switch in-between books). All I know is that Robert Jordan died with both hands stuck in Pringles containers. And that I won't be reading The Memory of Light in 2013."
I lied. That's the whole article. However, the comments that followed were mainly derogatory towards the series and writer, and again, defending things like Twilight and Dance of Dragons or whatever. Someone said, "If I wanted to read a story about a young naif being chased from his country home by terrifying black-robed figures on horseback, I should just go read "Lord of the Rings" again."
Now, I know this puts me in the villain category again, but I got fucking bored with Lord of the Rings. I could not read the books. The movies were good, but the books were like a literary sedative. It's like Ghost in the Shell, but that's a whole different story.
I understand the whole 'Different Strokes for Different Folks' idea. But sometimes it just seems as if I'm the 1 out of 100 that enjoys something. That's why I don't watch TV, because when I find a show I like, it gets cancelled. That's why I wait until about 2 seasons in before I start watching something.
Anyway, there are many more examples I could use, but I'm gonna call this post done for now. I have a Playstation Vita in my possession, which means that sales will drop and they will discontinue production of them shortly. So, I'm gonna go enjoy this while I can.
"Bandai Entertainment, the subsidiary of Namco Bandai Holdings (USA) that handles anime and manga in North America, will stop offering new DVD, Blu-ray Disc, and manga releases next month. It will continue to distribute in its existing catalog lineup, but it will no longer produce and distribute new releases as of this February.
Bandai Entertainment will focus on licensing rights to other companies, particularly in digital distribution, broadcast, and merchandising. The company will be restructured as a result, and most of its contractors and three of its five fulltime staff members will be laid off."
So, this news hit about a week ago and it stirred up a small shitstorm of anger in the anime community. Now, I haven't been a member of the anime community in some years for reasons that I will get into later. But I felt the need to comment on this, at least so that years from now, if someone stumbles across this little blog, they may understand how at least one person felt.
The views that I'm seeing are from those of the 'commercially hardcore' people that state that the 'pirates' and 'bootleggers' have forced this action by robbing the anime industry of the money that it rightly deserves. I will not deny that anime companies, or any company that puts effort into a project, deserve to be paid for their time. They say that torrent sites have caused the collapse of the North American anime market and we have brought this on ourselves. My opinion later.
The second viewpoint is that Bandai attempted to release sub-standard products here in the US compared to its Japanese counterparts. The DVDs released with special packaging, collectibles, and other such bonuses overseas. Here, they released at about 30 bucks for 4 episodes, and occasionally, you got something nifty if you bought the first DVD in the set. They also attempted to release the DVDs 'cheaper' in the US than they did in Japan, but that changed when they realized that the Japanese would just import the stuff from the US to avoid paying the higher domestic prices.
The final viewpoint, which I'm closest to falling in with, is that lately the anime has just been pure shit. In a quite taken from a Japanese site, "They say the tastes of US fans have changed, but really they are the same. The problem is all the anime made in Japan is now for the creepy otaku demographic and doesn’t interest them.” And that is pretty much true. Lately, the anime that has come out of Japan has been of two varieties. The 'moe' stuff of preteen girls that the Japanese seem to obsess over, or the opposite end of the spectrum, the 'oppai' fan service anime with breasts so large that they have their own gravitational pull.
An example of moe anime (released by Bandai and retardedly popular):
And now for the 'other' type:
Honestly, I can't bring myself to watch either. The latest anime that I watched fell into the latter category, and I kinda had to force myself to watch it. I watched it with my sister and her husband, and all the time we were just rolling our eyes. Especially when things like this happened.
So, yeah. The American anime industry has collapsed. Or is collapsing. ADV, one of my favorite dubbing companies shut down a while back. Now that Bandai is closing its doors to distribution, that only leaves a few others. So, yes, internet piracy has contributed to the decline of the market. Pricing has contributed to the decline of the market. And shitty content has contributed to the decline of the market.
However, that's not to say that those are the only problems. My issue, my REAL issue (aside from the shitty content point above), is WHAT they choose to release stateside. Epic shows like Macross 7 and Macross Frontier will never see a stateside release due to the licensing issues over who owns the anime, and who owns the music. Considering that those two are heavily music based, that makes it far too expensive for the companies involved to risk. Then, they choose to release other shows that were made in Japan for younger audiences and market them over here for children as well. That doesn't always work. Children in Japan aren't as sheltered as our children are.
Take a show like "Konjiki no Gash Bell". It's a story of a young demon sent to the human world to find a human partner to aid in his battle to destroy all the other demons so that he can become the ruler of the demon world for the next thousand years. Well, that obviously wouldn't fly on American broadcasts, so they changed it up. Instead of demons, they're called Mamodo. They come from the Mamodo world and are fighting to become the Mamodo king. Unless your kid goes and Googles what Mamodo means, they'll probably never know about the battle for the demon world.
Now, I can understand wanting to protect your children from foul and evil beasties. Fine. BUT, when the only thing you offer is that watered down version? No. Hell to the fuck no. Compare the two intros.
Japanese:
English:
It hurts me where my feelings live to watch that. I'm almost sure that things like Beyblade and Bakugan were cool in Japan. But they have to complete retardate everything they assume is for children. But, that's been the way of American television for decades. Can't solely blame that, but it hasn't helped the anime situation.
Finally, there are the purists. Those hateful, despicable, vile and loathsome creatures that absolutely REFUSE to accept ANYTHING outside of its native language. They refuse to watch dubs, they refuse to accept English translations. They learn an entire language JUST so they can watch their cartoons in the language they were meant to be in. These people piss me off. They're the kind of people that will sometimes refuse to buy a domestically released product BECAUSE of the dub, or what company released it or whatever. They are the elitist snobs and most annoying of the fandom, in my opinion.
In closing, piracy has not helped the cause, but it is NOT the only factor that has caused the downfall of the American anime industry. And honestly, with the stuff they've put out lately, I don't care to see it anyway. Everything I cared to watch has already been released, so..
Here we are again. It's that time. Why? I don't fucking know. I just had the urge to do this, so get over it or fuck off. What do I care what you think? This is my blog, or something. Whatever. On to the therapy session.
First off, let me state that apparently my medication is working. I haven't had any anxiety attacks or panic symptoms in a month. So, in that, huzzah! The downside is that I'm tired a lot of the time. The upside is that when I can feel it working, I CAN FEEL IT WORKING. I'm usually a pretty chipper guy when the meds are in effect. When they wear off, you can tell. I get quiet, contemplative, and grumbly.
This leads me to my second topic. I'm not sure if it's the meds or not, but lately, I've been having these dreams, and not the sort that I usually have. I keep dreaming about my dead dogs. I keep dreaming that they're alive and well and I just feel so fucking happy. This has led me to a couple of conclusions. Either I'm crazy, which is highly likely, or I desperately want animal companionship. I miss having a dog. I miss having a pet. I find myself wanting to get a dog pretty badly. Like, so badly that I want to move away from where I live simply because they won't allow me to own a dog. However, I don't want to move. The stupid suggestion of moving to another state is retarded and pointless, but that's a whole different pile of body parts. So, no dog for me. I'm sad.
Granted, I HAD contemplated moving away. I had considered moving off to Tex-Ass, but then I really thought it out. What for? Honestly? Yes, my sister and her husband are there, and those two are like my best friends. But at the same time, I can't just expect that I can thunder on down there and expect things to be like they were here. Sure, my son's mother is there, but that's just a dead horse at this point. I understand that it would be good for him and his mom to be nearer to each other, but I'm not sure if that's good for me. With the way I've been feeling lately, the distance is good.
That being said, medicated or not, I think I'll choose to remain distant. Honestly, I'm tired of trying to close the gap and having the ledge pull away each time I leap.
