I'm having one of those nights. One of those nights that started as
soon as I woke up this morning. Right now, I've just got the urge to
punch something or hop in my car and drive recklessly across town. It's
one of THOSE nights. I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, alone, and all
around fucked up.
I know what my problem is. I let myself care. Each time my ex and I see each other, it's always a good time, and when the time comes to separate, I never want to let go. However, I get beyond that because I know that we can never be together again. This time... this time, I let myself get too attached. All the old feelings came back, and I found myself wanting to be with her again. I had even gone so far as to start planning to move to where she lives just to be near her, even though I knew it was only going to hurt me more. Right now, I'm feeling that, even if only in the smallest dosage.
I can't be with her, and I need to get my head around that. I can't allow myself to care, and this is why I've constantly told people that I don't want a relationship. They always ask why I don't find someone new, and I tell them that I just don't want it. The truth of the matter is, I don't want it, because I can't have it. I'm not relationship material. I'm broken. I'm not what anyone wants, and I honestly don't understand why anyone would question that. I tell people that I'm too busy or I don't have the money for a relationship, joking around that 'girls are expensive'. That's another truth. I can't afford it. Financially or emotionally, I'm bankrupt. I'm gonna be alone, and I need to deal with that.
I've known a lot of people to do dumb things when they're feeling like this. I honestly don't understand how someone could do something so drastic when bad moods like this usually pass in a few days. But sometimes, just sometimes, I can understand WHY they do it. I have no plans to die until a zombie rips my body apart. I kid. I'll definitely shoot myself before that happens. Don't wanna be a zombie. Nasty business.
Anyway, I had intended to go out and get alcohol, even though I haven't had any in years. But, I never carry through with anything, so I'm just gonna go to bed.
I know what my problem is. I let myself care. Each time my ex and I see each other, it's always a good time, and when the time comes to separate, I never want to let go. However, I get beyond that because I know that we can never be together again. This time... this time, I let myself get too attached. All the old feelings came back, and I found myself wanting to be with her again. I had even gone so far as to start planning to move to where she lives just to be near her, even though I knew it was only going to hurt me more. Right now, I'm feeling that, even if only in the smallest dosage.
I can't be with her, and I need to get my head around that. I can't allow myself to care, and this is why I've constantly told people that I don't want a relationship. They always ask why I don't find someone new, and I tell them that I just don't want it. The truth of the matter is, I don't want it, because I can't have it. I'm not relationship material. I'm broken. I'm not what anyone wants, and I honestly don't understand why anyone would question that. I tell people that I'm too busy or I don't have the money for a relationship, joking around that 'girls are expensive'. That's another truth. I can't afford it. Financially or emotionally, I'm bankrupt. I'm gonna be alone, and I need to deal with that.
I've known a lot of people to do dumb things when they're feeling like this. I honestly don't understand how someone could do something so drastic when bad moods like this usually pass in a few days. But sometimes, just sometimes, I can understand WHY they do it. I have no plans to die until a zombie rips my body apart. I kid. I'll definitely shoot myself before that happens. Don't wanna be a zombie. Nasty business.
Anyway, I had intended to go out and get alcohol, even though I haven't had any in years. But, I never carry through with anything, so I'm just gonna go to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment