Another day...

So, yes, another day and another entry. This is one that I was thinking about yesterday but never got around to posting. I figured, since I had time to kill, and the feeling fresh in my mind, I'd go ahead and get this one out there. This post is about 'use and abuse'.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Well, at least since starting my new job. My previous job was one that was privately/locally owned, so there were no corporate rules or any sense of established protocol. With that being the case, there were a lot of things that went on there that weren't really right, but they were allowed to slide because the rules were made up as they went. Because of things like this, I, and others, were asked to do things that wouldn't normally be considered at a corporate place.

Examples:

The manager often had me play taxi for his baby's mother. Sometimes I would pick her up from a doctor's appointment, or take her. Sometimes I would have to run money out to his house for her. Sometimes I would have to take food to her. Nothing that I minded, too much. Of course, there were also little errands that I was asked to run. Post office, bank, local gym for a health shake and things of that nature.

The owner also asked things. Since I was the resident tech-guru at the place (a pizza establishment), I was often called on for tech support. Printers didn't work? Call Matt. Don't know how to wire your entertainment system? Call Matt. PS3 isn't working? Call Matt.

I did these things because I assumed that, in the long run, it would benefit me with some sort of respect at the establisment. I eventually rose to assistant manager, but even then, there was little appreciation for all the extra stuff I did. All the extra hours I worked, the days I stayed late when people called out, the extra cleaning I did, it all amounted to little when all was said and done.

After all of that, I was tossed out without even the consideration to TELL ME that I was fired. I recieved a text message stating that I wasn't needed anymore. Sure, they had mild reason to fire me, but to not even tell me to my face is what burns me.

And this carries over beyond work as well. I've been the type of person to do things for people when they ask, partially because I'm nice and partially because I'm one that believes if you do a favor, you recieve a favor. If I give you a ride somewhere as a favor, then perhaps later I may ask for a favor of.. gas money? Maybe lunch at some fast food place? Something minute. I generally don't ask for outrageous stuff in comparison with what I've given. It's not like I'll withhold my transportation services if you don't buy me a computer. So, I've never really thought of myself as being unfair. Until recently.

No, I don't mean that I acted in a manner that I believed was unfair or out of balance with the 'Equivalent Exchange' philosophy. I just realized that, regardless of what I do, regardless of anything, there are gonna be occasions when no compensation is given, when no gratitude is shown for all the hard work, when no consideration is, or will ever be, shown. So, in realizing this, I had continued to do extra stuff for people, partially expecting something in return and partially realizing that I was a flaming idiot for expecting anything at all.

What this means, in a nutshell, is that I've pretty much decided to NOT do extra stuff for people. No non-paid extra stuff at work, no favors around the house without some sort of compensation, etc...

"So say we all."

Koi da! Paniku!

It amazes me how much I have to say when I think I have nothing to say. Yet another entry in this blog that I'm never going to use. I've had time to think a lot today while wandering the mall, waiting for my car to finish being serviced.

Side Note: Amazing how many cute girls were out and about today.

Anyway, on to the real meat of this post. The above statement does have relevance, but only in a minimal sense. For behold, this post does not focus on the real, but the unreal!

I've been reading a lot lately, as well as watching anime, TV, movies, playing video games, and all the other things that devour the time that I have. During the time that I spend reading or watching or playing, my mind interacts with various characters in those various forms of media. This is what this post is about.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a fascination, or connection, with characters that don't exist. Sometimes, I identify with fictional characters more than reality. I wish those character were real, because I feel that I could get along with them far better than anyone that I could encounter in the real world. I know, of course, that those characters were created with a certain 'type' in mind, so they are far from real and far from 'complete'.

Even with that thought in mind, I often found myself wishing that I could, for lack of a better phrase, "meet a girl like that". Watching a movie or reading a book, I wished I could be that douchebag in the movie that is so blind when he's talking to the girl, because I would do things differently. I'd show her how much she meant to me. I wouldn't say the stupid shit, even if everything I just said was stupid.

The basic point I'm trying to make is that reality holds little appeal for me. I have my son, and he is my anchor to reality. Were it not for him, I'd spend the majority of my days immersed in fantasy, because reality sucks. I live in my imagination most of the time because I've lost that glimmer of goodness that I used to see in the world. Love in the real world won't happen again, because I won't let it. Reality is... real.

Looking back on what I typed, I realize that I sound like a complete tool that needs to be bitch-slapped into Oblivion. Still, that's how I feel, and I don't see any changes any time soon.

Also, I decided that my ending pictures will be cute/attractive characters (to me), male or female. They shall appear in no particular order of preference. They will be whomever is freshest in my mind.

"So say we all."

This is ridiculous.

This post will be chaotic, so try to keep up. Vomit bags are located near the entrance you came through. If you don't know where that is, you're fucked. Don't worry though, because if you puke on yourself, someone on the internet will find it hot. That's the wonder/horror of this generation.

When I was initially approached to start this blog, I declined the idea quickly. I thought that I would not have enough to say or enough desire to make more than one post a month. I figured there was little point to writing anything that really wasn't going to be read by more than one person. Still, here I am writing to sate my own wandering mind.

As those familiar with my behavior know, when I decide to do something, I dive in headfirst and throw all caution and sensibility to the wind. This has been evident in many situations. World of Warcraft was one situation where I would join a guild and dedicate everything I had to that guild. I was convinced that was it. That was the guild for me, forever. Eventually, I learned I was wrong. I moved on, found another guild, and thought that was it. That was the guild for me, forever. Wrong again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So, with this miniscule example, you would think that I would be more cautious, right? Nope. I tried another MMO, and I enjoyed it, and said that was it. This is the MMO for me. WoW holds nothing for me anymore. I cancelled my WoW account and swore my fealty to the new Power. That fealty lasted 3 weeks.

Again, you would think that I would learn, but again, you would be wrong. Lately, I've been watching Ranma½, and since I've started, I've gotten the soundtracks out, started searching for wallpapers and various other methods of extending my preternatural obsession with this series yet again. I know that I'll devote a lot of time to this series thinking that it will be my favorite, forever, and I'll be wrong eventually.

One person that knows how far my obsessions can go is my former counterpart, as she witnessed them firsthand. So this behavior is in no way new, and it's bound to get me in trouble one day. The most recent example, aside from Ranma½, is my new job. I'm convinced that this is it. This is the job for me, forever. I've thrown in my lot and cast the die and all that jazz. We'll see how long this lasts.

In closing, I'm an obsessive jerk. Keep that in mind, always.

Also, for the moment, my closing images will be related to anime, since that has been a massive part of my life for over 15 years. I haven't determined which path to take on a permanent basis, but today's image will relate to the post.

"So say we all."

So soon, another?

"Dreaming is like -- it's like being a slave. Your dreams come out of all the parts of you that you don't have any control over. That's why -- that's why madness is the only danger."

I read the above passage today as I was reading through a series of books for the second time, and it struck me because the dreams of last night altered my perceptions. Nothing major was impacted, but there are those dreams that happen and seem real and they lead you to believe things during the dream that linger on when you wake up.

Specifics are unneccesary, nor will I give them, but the effect has lead me to believe in that passage. Truly, dreams can lead to madness. They are, in my opinion, a form of madness.

Though, looking at this post, without specifics or even mild details, I find this entry lacking. However, to give specifics would give an insight into my personality that I am not willing to have judged in any way, because I believe that those aspects are what sets me apart from others of my gender. In a way, it could be considered atavistic. A throwback to the days when men were chivalrous and cared for women in a way other than sexual releases. Of course, even then, that didn't describe every male, but the code of chivalry was more prevalent then than in today's society. Of course, by that, I mean that it doesn't exist today.

With that, I shall wrap this up. Time draws short before work, and I want to rest a bit before dedicating myself to the service of the populace. However, before I go, my former counterpart started a wheel turning in my head. As she ends all her blog posts with a picture of a kitten, I have considered something of my own to end each little post I make. I have ideas, but nothing definitive. I am up for suggestions, but make no promises on what will be accepted.

Ramblings of a Forlorn Heart

There were so many topics that I had initially intended to be the subject of this post, and when I have time, I'll get around to them. However, today will focus on the subject of something I hate to love and love to hate: Love songs. Not just the typical love songs, but even the off-the-wall songs that attempt to convey love, but fail, at least in my opinion.

Let's start with the song that pretty much inspired this train of thought. "Right Now (Na Na Na)" by Akon. Don't ask why I was listening to it. Let's just get to the point. The song tries to convey that he misses the girl that he used to date and wants to get back together with her. Now, the basics are that the relationship went sour and bad stuff happened, but to sing "I wanna make love right now (na na na).." is a bad way to say that you really miss someone. It seems like you wanna get your rocks off more than anything else.

Which brings me to the second song, "No Surprise" by Daughtry. It's a love song in a very loose sense, because he sings about how the relationship is over and it's 'no surprise' that it happened. However, he sings that the relationship was wonderful while it lasted.

That short paragraph above is basically what made me start to consider the reason I utterly despise love songs. Relationships don't last forever. Sure, you may love someone after the relationship is over, but you will most likely never get back together with that person. Even if the option came up, would you really want to? The relationship ended for a reason, whatever it may have been. There is no guarantee that whatever it was wouldn't happen again.

I point this out for a few reasons. I look at relationships (now) as an 'enjoy it while it lasts' kind of thing. When it's over, it's over. I used to wish for second chances, but I realize that I'm not gonna change, so all the mistakes I made in the past will be made again, so I'd rather not put any girl through that again, let alone the same girl.

While I am often found bitching about not having people to share the things I enjoy or even having someone to share ANYTHING with, most of the time I realize that it's better off this way. Sure, being alone blows, but considering my situation, it's the way it should be. Having to juggle a job and a child leaves little time for anything else except in the wee hours. I wouldn't really have it any other way.

That's a lie.

I buried my dog yesterday.

A strange way to start this journal off, I know. However, there is reasoning behind this. It marks the first time in over 10 years that I haven't had a canine companion of sorts. It's going to be strange not hearing her barking in the backyard, or scratching at the door when there's a thunderstorm, or seeing the area we buried her in. A strange way to start this journal indeed.

I also started a new job this week. This is reason to rejoice, since I had been unemployed since September of last year. I have high hopes for this job, and though my body is slow to accept having to do actual work, I'm happy thus far. It will be good to have money again, and even better to have a reason NOT to sit on my ass all day, which I have been known to do, on occasion.

On a note that strays completely away from endings and beginnings, let us speak of dreams. I'm not referring to goals or hopes, but those nocturnal (or diurnal) movies in the mind. My theory on dreams is that they are the body's way, through the mind, of making sure that everything works right. Different dreams test different things. A nightmare, of course, tests fear and adrenaline release. If you don't get scared often, the body has to check to make sure you still can be. Romantic dreams test to see if you can still feel that way. These dreams are especially common amongst those that don't feel romantic very often during the waking hours.

With that said, I find it strange that over the course of last night's dream sessions that I had both a nightmare and romantic dream. Oddly enough, one blended right into the other. Of course, as is the way with such things, the romance far outweighed the nightmarish visions. I almost hated to wake up. If I ever find that girl in real life, she and I are gonna have to talk.

So, today is about half over, and tomorrow is a day off. I'll have to cover the burial site with stones to prevent and disturbance of the soil, by children, dogs, or other diggy type animals. So, for now, this first entry is complete.

Next entry will probably be more of what can be expected. That is to say, anger and cynicism and other such fun stuff.