Because I'm that awesome.

I only used that title because it was the last phrase to come out of my mouth before I started typing.  Honestly, I'm only here because I can't vent my true feelings on Facebook.  Honestly, I can't vent my true feelings anywhere but here.  This is the only place no one reads.  So, my thoughts are safe here.

Truth is, my depression is getting worse.  I mean, worse and worse.  It's been almost 6 years since I've been jobless.  I hate not being employed.  The fact that I'm "suspended, pending investigation" isn't a termination, so I can't draw unemployment while I wait.  It's a limbo where they're trying to force me to quit so they can be clear of any wrong doings.  I won't give them the satisfaction.

In other news, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months.  Guess that explains why she hasn't spoken with me in months.  Ah well.  My son is excited to have a sibling, even if it is only by half.  So, she's back in my life.  Not a bad thing, just awkward at the moment.  Gonna have fun discussing that with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

But really, I feel worthless.  I feel like no one needs me.  My son only comes to me when he wants food.  Even when I try to spend time with him, he'd rather play on his computer and iPad.  My parents are anti-social as hell and barely even talk to each other.  I tried to have a joking conversation today and my step-dad basically tried to start an argument.  I had to walk away, letting my meal get cold, and wait for them to finish eating before I ate my food.  I know the lack of a job has put a great burden on the home, but fuck.  Maybe I should just off myself before Domino's has the chance to fire me so my son can get the life insurance.

You don't need a title.

Yesterday was acceptance.  Today the depression set in.  Like, I'm really unemployed.  I have no job.  No means to support myself or my son, over some trivial bullshit.  And now, I have to make a new start because some petty bitch who got caught committing a federal offense decided to throw anyone she could under the bus.  Karma is a bitch you fucking whore.  I hope you get everything you god damn well deserve.  You didn't just screw me, but my son and all the others affected by your petty behavior.

I haven't done a lot of blog entries since I stopped having feels.  Back since the last time I let myself fall for someone.  Not much has changed aside from employment.  Well, I did discover that my ex is alive and doing better.  That's a relief to me.  My son is a genius.  Beyond that, I have to find a new job.

Articulation isn't my strong point right now.  Perhaps tomorrow, after I've had some sleep.

Long time, still not dead.

So, it's been a while again.  Inconsistency is my consistency.  I'm going to try to correct that.  Apparently journal keeping is a method of therapy that I was told to try in order to manage my anger and depression and such.   So, here I go again on my own.   Going down the only road I've ever known.   Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...  Okay, enough of that.

So, where do I start?  Let's start off with personal and work our way down.

So, I have no personal life.  Outside of work,  I just have my home life, which includes my son and video games.  I have no relationships, which I miss.  Strange to admit that after all these years, but I'm tired of being alone.   When I go out and do my photography, I see all these couples, and the girls want their pictures taken and they drag their guys into the shots and I get jealous because I'm probably never gonna have that again.   Being single is great for free time, but horrible for those lonely nights when you just want someone to talk to or watch a movie with or cuddle up next to.  Of course, being a single dad makes having a relationship difficult.  It's hard to get time alone as it is. I love my son.  He's the most important thing to me, but sometimes, I just want more.

My photography hit a spike this year.  People started recognizing me and I've gotten a lot better at composition and angles, I think.  People are liking my photos and I think I'm starting to get where I need to be, or rather, want to be.  However, as with every winter, photography hits a standstill.  So, right now, I'm in a dry spell.  I'm hoping some events will turn up soon.  

I'll probably have more later.  Since I'm at work right now, I can't really focus my thoughts as well as I'd like.  So, until then...

It happened again.

Same girl.  Different place.  Different night.  Different hair color?

So, yeah.  I don't know what's going on in this head of mine lately, but I keep having dreams about wanting to be in a relationship.  I don't know if I like this or not.  I mean, yeah, I'm 36 and a single dad.  A little companionship wouldn't hurt, but I barely have time for myself or my son.  Y U NO UNDERSTAND, BRAIN?!

There's nothing else to report right now.  Going back to enjoy my frivolous purchases.  Peace!

Soooo.... yeah.

Two months since my last entry.  I'm slacking, I know.  It's not that there hasn't been anything to write about, it's just that I didn't feel a need considering that almost no one will read this.  But I had one of those nights that compelled me to sit at this PC and beat my keyboard until words came out.

I suppose it began after playing League of Legends until 2am.  About that time, I was about to go "neochi", or fall asleep while playing.  So, I crawled into bed and passed out.  It was a rough night's sleep.  They have been lately.  But this one wasn't because I kept tossing and turning.  It was the dreams that seemed to last the entire time I was out.

DREAM LOG BEGINS:

It began in a shopping center of sorts.  I went there with a girl that I know, and I'm supposing it was in the hopes of getting closer to her.  Well, we were there, having fun, and then a friend of hers, a male, showed up with a female friend of his.  So, then it became this strange group outing.  During the event, we went our own ways, so I followed the girl that I arrived with, but she said, "I'm waiting for him.  He won't come if you're here.  Stop following me."  So, I turned and left.

After that, the dream turned into one of those bizarre "nightmares" where I was at a place of former employment and I was working there again and everything was just going all kinds of wrong.  I can't even begin to explain how creepy that was.  I don't wanna be in that place ever again.

DREAM LOG ENDS:

So, my personal life is on vacation.  I'm pretty much absorbed in work.  I just don't have anything to do outside of work these days.  I had hoped to get some photography stuff going this year, but with the combination of hot weather and work schedules and lack of photographic subjects, it may not happen.  I'm still trying though.  I have inspirations and goals to meet, so I'm not giving in.

On that note, time to get some enjoyment in before work.  I'll try to not be so slack in updates.

It's been (another) while.

It's been some time since my last post.  At least, I think it has.  I'm honestly not paying attention these days.  It seems like so little matters these days.  That may sound depressing, but it's more like a statement of focus to what's most important.

Life hasn't changed much.  I work my ass off.  I'm a single dad.  My photography has died off due to lack of models and good weather.  It's been rather dull.  I won't lie.  There have been days where I've wished I had more to occupy my time, but in reality, I have more to do than I have time to do it in.  Honestly, I don't even know what I'm yammering about.

I drank a bit tonight.  First time in a while.  I'm trying to cut back, but a co-worker treated me, so yeah.  I've been meaning to post a new blog for a while, but honestly, who even reads these?  This is just like talking to a mirror because there's no one else to listen.  My ex has vanished.  I have no one to read these aside from the random family member that might run across it.  So, yeah...

Anyway, I'll end this now...

So there I was...

...and I swear man, the hooker gave the money back!

But anyway, I just got off work, and have to be back in 7 hours.  Tax season has come and gone.  I've handled everything I need to handle, and now it's time to get back to life as normal.  This means getting back on my photography game.  This year, I'm really gonna try and push myself further.  That means finding new models, new locations, new techniques.  I'm hoping I make some progress this year.

Somewhat related to that note, I made a mistake last year.  A mistake I'm still paying for.  I left myself open to emotion and got caught up in a web of trouble.  Granted, things are better now, even though I lost a friend in the process.  It's better off for her, I suppose, but I need to be more on guard.  I can't go falling for every female that talks to me.  Attachment comes easy to someone that's easily rejected by most females.

But yeah.  Moving ahead, I'll TRY to be more professional and less emotional.  That'll be easier looking back and realizing the trouble I went through the last time and not wanting to go through it again.  Even now, if that girl were to come back into my life, I'd probably treat her like someone I just met and start over.  "People change, memories don't".  Memories behind me, the future ahead.  That's all I can focus on.