Over and Over

"I feel it everyday, it's all the same."
"It brings me down, but I'm the one to blame."

Lately it seems to be the same thing every single day.  Work and sleep.  There's nothing between.  I haven't been eating much.  I can't focus.  The medications don't seem to be able to keep up with whatever is plaguing me right now.  I know part of the problem.  Having a gun pointed at you is a terrifying experience, and I'll just have to wait to get over that.  The other part... well, I can't talk about that right now.

So, to anyone reading this, I apologize for all the depression that seems to be running rampant lately.  I'll get better.  I always do.  It's just gonna take me some time to either get over this or break away altogether.  Either way, the coming months are gonna be rough, and I apologize to my "friends".  That's why I'm trying to keep all of this confined to my blog.  Only those that really know me even know about this place, and I won't be spamming people that could care less with truly personal details.  So, I keep the pity party to a minimum.

Someone told me I need to get a hobby, or something to interest me to distract me from my problems.  But those things ARE my problems, or at least part of them.  Photography has caused too many issues in my life, so as it stands, my photo passion is on indefinite hiatus.  I can't sit down and play a video game because I just can't focus long enough before my mind goes where it doesn't need to.

Luckily, in public, I'm a good actor and can hide how I'm feeling.  Dunno how long that'll last.  For now, the overdose of meds is makin' me tired.  So I'm gonna go to bed and hope I can actually get a decent night's sleep.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing,

Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one around me. That's a scary thought, because I'm one crazy son of a bitch. So, I'm crazy and yet everyone else seems to think that I should make a choice that goes against my moral code. So, the question becomes, which is more important? Honor and morality or Happiness? Obviously, I want both, but life doesn't work that way. So I have to choose. Well, I think I have to choose. I may not even have to choose at all because the situation that requires the choice may not even present itself. It's one of those "grab the bull by the horns" things. And bulls scare me. They're almost always angry and prone to impale skinny guys like me. I don't like being impaled.

If you couldn't tell by my inane rambling, this is in regards to my last post. Not the one on dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com (Plugged!), but the previous post, Awakening (song of the same name quoted). Honestly, I don't know what to think or do at this point. I think, as someone told me, I'm overthinking this and I'm letting it get to me far more than I should. I think there's something wrong with me. I was convinced I had given up my humanity years ago and that emotion wasn't something I had to concern myself with in my new evolved state.

Random glare for Spotify and its choice of songs to play at this moment (Bruno Mars).

So, yeah. I'm insane. I have a doctor's note to prove it. And speaking of insanity, the cause of all of this, that started my troubles to begin with years and years and years ago, well... I think it's time I ended that. Photography. It was one of the things that helped destroy my marriage. I obsessed too much about it. Even now, it caused the situation I'm in. I'll never be a real photographer. I'll never be successful at it. And it only seems to cause problems. So, probably time to pack it up and move along with life. Time always works against me anyway.

Awakening

"I'll disappear... Take flight on the wind of wishing you were here."
"Fading light... Like a star who's light has been gone for years."

I made a mistake.  I knew it was a mistake.  I knew I was asking for trouble.  I fell for a married woman.  As always, it started harmless.  Photographer and model to friends to .... wherever we were when it had to end.  I knew it would be this way, and I thought that, after 7 years of being single, I was beyond feeling like this anymore.  I didn't think attachment still existed in me.  I was wrong.

However, despite what I've said and despite how I may have felt, I had/have no intentions of acting on it.  I'm not the sort of person that steps between a relationship, especially marriage.  I destroyed my own in that way and I would never do that to anyone else.  So when the order was given to back off, I acquiesced.  As a co-worker reminded me, I just miss having someone to watch stuff with, or chill out with, or even talk to.  It's been years since I've really had a friend.  I don't give a damn about sex.  I never found that to be important.  Sure, it's fun, but I can live without it.

Regardless, now all I can think about is what I don't have, and probably never will have.  My defense mechanism is already kicking in and this is the part I hate most.  Whenever things don't go my way, I tend to cut ties and seclude myself away from the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt.  I feel like a hedgehog.

((The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.
Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism.))
Now I just feel that wariness to get close to anyone or anything.  This has been a rough year for me, and they say bad things come in threes.  A rear-end hit and run that totaled my new car is one.  Gunpoint robbery is two.  I'm gonna count this one as number three.

"So say we all..."

Short update.

So, not much has really happened since my last update.  I went to the hospital Monday night for what I thought was an allergic reaction to my antidepressant.  I was wrong.  Turns out it was an adverse reaction from the antidepressant to my acid-reflux medication.  The two of those combined said, "Nuh uh!  You're gonna have a bad night!"

So, I'm not on that medication anymore.  They've moved me over into tranquilizer land.  I'm part of the Xanax family now.  Yay.  I can honestly say that it works.  Once the medication kicks in, anxiety and everything else just goes away.  I drift off into sleepy land.

Aside from that fun stuff, I made a blog to record my dreams as I remember them:

dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com

  

That is all for now!

Everything I'll ever be, I've been.

The past couple of days for me have been a little down.  I've cut back on the medication I was on because I don't believe that it's really what I needed.  The doctors keep giving me different prescriptions in order to find something that they think will work, but so far, they've had no luck.

Anyway, I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few days.  I've recently transferred out of a store I've worked at for over a year and back to a store that's closer to home.  The pros are that I'm closer to home and it'll save me gas.  The cons are that I'm away from something I became familiar with over the course of my time there.  I got used to the customer base.  I got used to the location.  I got used to the people.  And I'm gonna miss some of that.  I don't really like change.  In fact, it outright upsets me.

So, with that change going on, and the change in medication every so often, my mental state is in somewhat of a fucked flux.  At some times, I'm fine.  Some times I'm a little loopy.  Some times, like now, I'm pretty down.  I've got that feeling of being unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary and undesirable.  It doesn't help that I really have no one to talk to anymore.  I guess that's one thing that always balanced out the negativity in my mind.  Of course, I understand why I don't have anyone to talk to, and that's because life moves on.  No one can stay in the same place forever, no matter how much I want.  So, now I'm just dealing with life on my own.  Myself and my son who, as much as I love him and he loves me, isn't really the best conversationalist.  He keeps me sane, and insane at the same time.  That's the life of a parent, I guess.

On the note of the above, I've been having a lot of dog dreams lately.  I'm not sure where they're all coming from, other than the fact that I want a dog.  I dunno.  I guess it falls back on the desire to be needed.  And yes, I know that my son needs me, and he will always have me until one of these medications kills me.  But still, who doesn't want a cuddly little ball of fluff and adoration?

Hopefully this new medication (once I can afford to get it) will do the trick.  I hate feeling like this, and having no expressive outlet.  Anyway, on to the end of the post.

Dreamtime.

I know I just made a post last night, but since that one was short and rather bland, I figured I'd give it another go today.

Last night, I had a pretty freaky dream.  There was a planet-wide epidemic where people were being turned into a sort of adrenaline zombie.  They were hyped up on this sort of drug which caused them to lose all sanity and just try to get as much adrenaline pumping through their system as possible.  I was on a team of people that were tasked to end this situation.  We found a guy that was tearing through a park and we cornered him.  After managing to subdue him, we recovered some of the drug that he had on him.  The drug was in the form of a small moist towelette that you wipe just under your eyes.  The chemical would soak through the skin, turn your irises white and go straight for the brain causing the change.  One of my team members, a girl that I was apparently close to, stated that we needed to watch the changes from beginning to end to find out how to deal with them.  So, she took the drug before and of us could stop her.  After the shock wore off, we managed to restrain her and watch as it took effect.

From there, the dream shifted to me being with someone else, and we were watching a concert.  Whether it was on TV, or the computer, or live, I couldn't tell.  But she and I were watching this concert of a band that I enjoyed and she never really cared for, but I could tell that she was having a good time.




Unfortunately, there is where I woke up.  Nothing else to report right now.  Probably gonna take a nap to conserve energy for work later.

Nostalgia

Tonight, I want to talk about nostalgia.  We all have something that takes us back to a time in our life where everything just seemed... fine.  Nothing was wrong.  They were better days.  And now we wish we could regain that feeling.  A lot lately, I've been flashing back to my past.  Songs take me back, smells, books, movies...  Each of the items I'm gonna discuss take me to a certain point in my life, a set of events that I honestly shouldn't remember because there was nothing remarkable about it, but for some reason, it just sticks out.

"Mr. Mister - Broken Wings"

This song always takes me back to one particular night.  I don't know why, but my mom and I had just left Roses, which back in the day was just a notch higher than K-Mart.  Mom had bought me a new Transformer toy, one of the Insecticons, Shrapnel.  And across the street from that Roses was an apartment complex that a friend of the family lived in, so we drove over there.  That song played on the radio on the drive over, so now, every time I hear that song, I always flash back to that memory.  I was probably about 6 or 7, so don't ask why I remember that.

"Matthew Sweet - Girlfriend" (Album)

Back in the days of cassettes, when you stopped listening to something, it stayed at that point unless you changed it by rewinding or fast forwarding.  This particular album was always being played as I read the Apprentice Adept series by Piers Anthony.  So now, whenever I hear a song from that album, I flash back and remember parts of the series that I wouldn't otherwise think of.

"Lunar: Eternal Blue OST"

This, as well as a few others (Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise), defined my early days on the internet.  The game had just released on Sega CD and America Online was one of the only ways to get onto the web.  This was back when having a computer that could play an MP3 was rare. WAV files were all the rage, but having a full song was an insane thought.  It wasn't until I upgraded from a 66mhz computer that I could actually play an MP3 file.  But this soundtrack was one of the first that I managed to get thanks to a website (probably on Angelfire or Geocities) that allowed downloads of the music.  So, as I was chilling in AOL chat rooms and such, this was the soundtrack of those times.

I had intended for this post to be longer and more detailed, but I'm sick, it's getting late and I can't think of anything else right now.  Maybe there will be an addendum to this post later.