Long time, still not dead.

So, it's been a while again.  Inconsistency is my consistency.  I'm going to try to correct that.  Apparently journal keeping is a method of therapy that I was told to try in order to manage my anger and depression and such.   So, here I go again on my own.   Going down the only road I've ever known.   Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...  Okay, enough of that.

So, where do I start?  Let's start off with personal and work our way down.

So, I have no personal life.  Outside of work,  I just have my home life, which includes my son and video games.  I have no relationships, which I miss.  Strange to admit that after all these years, but I'm tired of being alone.   When I go out and do my photography, I see all these couples, and the girls want their pictures taken and they drag their guys into the shots and I get jealous because I'm probably never gonna have that again.   Being single is great for free time, but horrible for those lonely nights when you just want someone to talk to or watch a movie with or cuddle up next to.  Of course, being a single dad makes having a relationship difficult.  It's hard to get time alone as it is. I love my son.  He's the most important thing to me, but sometimes, I just want more.

My photography hit a spike this year.  People started recognizing me and I've gotten a lot better at composition and angles, I think.  People are liking my photos and I think I'm starting to get where I need to be, or rather, want to be.  However, as with every winter, photography hits a standstill.  So, right now, I'm in a dry spell.  I'm hoping some events will turn up soon.  

I'll probably have more later.  Since I'm at work right now, I can't really focus my thoughts as well as I'd like.  So, until then...

It happened again.

Same girl.  Different place.  Different night.  Different hair color?

So, yeah.  I don't know what's going on in this head of mine lately, but I keep having dreams about wanting to be in a relationship.  I don't know if I like this or not.  I mean, yeah, I'm 36 and a single dad.  A little companionship wouldn't hurt, but I barely have time for myself or my son.  Y U NO UNDERSTAND, BRAIN?!

There's nothing else to report right now.  Going back to enjoy my frivolous purchases.  Peace!

Soooo.... yeah.

Two months since my last entry.  I'm slacking, I know.  It's not that there hasn't been anything to write about, it's just that I didn't feel a need considering that almost no one will read this.  But I had one of those nights that compelled me to sit at this PC and beat my keyboard until words came out.

I suppose it began after playing League of Legends until 2am.  About that time, I was about to go "neochi", or fall asleep while playing.  So, I crawled into bed and passed out.  It was a rough night's sleep.  They have been lately.  But this one wasn't because I kept tossing and turning.  It was the dreams that seemed to last the entire time I was out.

DREAM LOG BEGINS:

It began in a shopping center of sorts.  I went there with a girl that I know, and I'm supposing it was in the hopes of getting closer to her.  Well, we were there, having fun, and then a friend of hers, a male, showed up with a female friend of his.  So, then it became this strange group outing.  During the event, we went our own ways, so I followed the girl that I arrived with, but she said, "I'm waiting for him.  He won't come if you're here.  Stop following me."  So, I turned and left.

After that, the dream turned into one of those bizarre "nightmares" where I was at a place of former employment and I was working there again and everything was just going all kinds of wrong.  I can't even begin to explain how creepy that was.  I don't wanna be in that place ever again.

DREAM LOG ENDS:

So, my personal life is on vacation.  I'm pretty much absorbed in work.  I just don't have anything to do outside of work these days.  I had hoped to get some photography stuff going this year, but with the combination of hot weather and work schedules and lack of photographic subjects, it may not happen.  I'm still trying though.  I have inspirations and goals to meet, so I'm not giving in.

On that note, time to get some enjoyment in before work.  I'll try to not be so slack in updates.

It's been (another) while.

It's been some time since my last post.  At least, I think it has.  I'm honestly not paying attention these days.  It seems like so little matters these days.  That may sound depressing, but it's more like a statement of focus to what's most important.

Life hasn't changed much.  I work my ass off.  I'm a single dad.  My photography has died off due to lack of models and good weather.  It's been rather dull.  I won't lie.  There have been days where I've wished I had more to occupy my time, but in reality, I have more to do than I have time to do it in.  Honestly, I don't even know what I'm yammering about.

I drank a bit tonight.  First time in a while.  I'm trying to cut back, but a co-worker treated me, so yeah.  I've been meaning to post a new blog for a while, but honestly, who even reads these?  This is just like talking to a mirror because there's no one else to listen.  My ex has vanished.  I have no one to read these aside from the random family member that might run across it.  So, yeah...

Anyway, I'll end this now...

So there I was...

...and I swear man, the hooker gave the money back!

But anyway, I just got off work, and have to be back in 7 hours.  Tax season has come and gone.  I've handled everything I need to handle, and now it's time to get back to life as normal.  This means getting back on my photography game.  This year, I'm really gonna try and push myself further.  That means finding new models, new locations, new techniques.  I'm hoping I make some progress this year.

Somewhat related to that note, I made a mistake last year.  A mistake I'm still paying for.  I left myself open to emotion and got caught up in a web of trouble.  Granted, things are better now, even though I lost a friend in the process.  It's better off for her, I suppose, but I need to be more on guard.  I can't go falling for every female that talks to me.  Attachment comes easy to someone that's easily rejected by most females.

But yeah.  Moving ahead, I'll TRY to be more professional and less emotional.  That'll be easier looking back and realizing the trouble I went through the last time and not wanting to go through it again.  Even now, if that girl were to come back into my life, I'd probably treat her like someone I just met and start over.  "People change, memories don't".  Memories behind me, the future ahead.  That's all I can focus on.

Barkeep, another Mekong please.

So, I know I talk a lot of talk.  I know I say a lot of things.  A lot of the time, I mean what I say, because I have no one to impress.  The rest of the time, I'm lying for exactly the same reason.  I have no one to impress.

I pretend not to care what people think about me, but I do.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I suppose that's why I've been having such a hard time these past few months.  I'm about back to where I was before the situation started, but not quite.  I'm more back to the self-destructive ways of about 4 years ago.  I guess everyone deals in their own ways.

I'm tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  I thought for a long time that I didn't need or want a relationship.  Now, I look back at the last 7 years and wonder if I should have scrapped that attitude and tried.  I keep dreaming about having someone to hug and cuddle and all that sappy stuff.  When I wake up, I'm alone, and it's starting to bother me.

I suppose that I've convinced myself that I'll be alone because no one will ever wanna be with a guy like me.  But that's not just it.  I've got such ridiculous standards for what I'd like in a partner that I'm just fighting an uphill battle.  I don't even know why I'm venting this.  It's not like anyone will read it until after I'm dead and someone goes looking for a reason that it happened.

My brain has lost its mind.

Spiders.  Kittens.  Ex-wives.  Keyboards of the musical variety.  Family members seldom spoken to.  Cameras.  Nudity.  All of these were present in last night's crazy torrent of dreams.

I often dream of spiders.  I suppose it's because it was one of the few things that I was good at photographing.  They didn't move much.   They didn't judge, and I always knew where they'd be.  So, I often see them in my sleep, though the ones in my dreams are often far larger and far more grotesque than those I'd ever see in reality.  Spiders so large that they resemble crabs and actually leave skeletons upon death.

A couple of nights running now, I've dreamt of kittens.  In particular, two nights ago, I dreamt that I saved this small brownish black kitten from drowning.  I reached down to grab him and he, or she, dug claws into my hand to hold on for dear life.  I brought the kitten home, only to be told that I was not allowed to have pets at my house.  Last night, I dreamt I walked out into the backyard, and the kitten came crawling from beneath a pile of branches.  The poor thing looked horrible.  Fur gone in patches.  Bloody pawprints left as it walked through my yard.  I felt so horrible and wanted to do something for it.

I often dream of my ex-wife.  Not surprising, I suppose.  They vary from hateful dreams to loving dreams.  I don't suppose I'll ever be rid of those dreams, no matter what.

For some reason, I had a dream that my step-cousin fixed an old musical keyboard that I no longer have.  It was given to the ex-wife a long time ago.  I suppose there's relevance there.  I dunno.

It's 9:04am.  I'm already pretty messed up.  Today should be interesting.

First Post of 2014

Welcome to 2014 my dear fans.  Okay, maybe not fans.  Poor unfortunate souls?  No, we won't break into that Little Mermaid song.  Ponies breaking into song at the drop of a hat?  Who does that?  

So, yeah.  I've been quiet for a little while now.  Mainly because I kept this blog going for one person.  When that person was no longer a part of my life, I drifted away from it.  I felt there was no point in recording thoughts for no one to read besides myself.  But, it's therapeutic, and I felt that it was time to ramble on about random stuff just to get it out of my cranium.  Fair warning, however.  This post may be a little media heavy.  Pictures, videos, such like that.  I said MAY be.  I might get lazy halfway through and just give up.  I've been known to do that.  

Anyway, this idea started this morning when I watched a parody video of a Maroon 5 song.  Side note:  Adam Levine is yummy.

So, the video is a parody of the Maroon 5 song, One More Night.  The parody is called One More Fight and is about a bunch of gamers who choose to play games rather than go to bed with their significant others.  Well, after watching the video, I can say that all those guys are fucking stupid.  Those girls were hawt.  But one stood out and blew me away.  I had to go and look up who she was, because if you're in a YouTube video these days, you've got some sort of fame somewhere.  I was right.

Her name is Britanni Johnson.  Not a huge celebrity, but she played the role of Angel in the Borderlands games.  I feel the urge to finally finish Borderlands 2 now.  But yeah.  I thought she was damn gorgeous.  The other girls weren't bad, but still.  Mee-yow.  She actually reminds me of a friend of mind.  Or nemesis.  We can't decide.

Aside from that eye candy, I've gotten much better as far as 'depression' goes.  I've gotten over false love and hope.  I've picked up my camera again and I've started looking forward to taking pictures again.  I've had an invitation to be a wedding photographer as well as some casual photography.  So, we'll see how this year goes.  After the horrible year that was 2013, I hope everything goes super this year.

In other news, I've gained 15 pounds since my last post.  Finally, I'm moving up towards where I should be.  Health is fine.  I'm not as crazy.  The alcohol has helped.  Or hindered.  I dunno.  It's fun.  I love not feeling like the me I used to be, which is to say a morbidly depressed horny old guy with a camera.

We shall end this post with the video that sparked it to begin with.