Awakening

"I'll disappear... Take flight on the wind of wishing you were here."
"Fading light... Like a star who's light has been gone for years."

I made a mistake.  I knew it was a mistake.  I knew I was asking for trouble.  I fell for a married woman.  As always, it started harmless.  Photographer and model to friends to .... wherever we were when it had to end.  I knew it would be this way, and I thought that, after 7 years of being single, I was beyond feeling like this anymore.  I didn't think attachment still existed in me.  I was wrong.

However, despite what I've said and despite how I may have felt, I had/have no intentions of acting on it.  I'm not the sort of person that steps between a relationship, especially marriage.  I destroyed my own in that way and I would never do that to anyone else.  So when the order was given to back off, I acquiesced.  As a co-worker reminded me, I just miss having someone to watch stuff with, or chill out with, or even talk to.  It's been years since I've really had a friend.  I don't give a damn about sex.  I never found that to be important.  Sure, it's fun, but I can live without it.

Regardless, now all I can think about is what I don't have, and probably never will have.  My defense mechanism is already kicking in and this is the part I hate most.  Whenever things don't go my way, I tend to cut ties and seclude myself away from the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt.  I feel like a hedgehog.

((The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.
Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism.))
Now I just feel that wariness to get close to anyone or anything.  This has been a rough year for me, and they say bad things come in threes.  A rear-end hit and run that totaled my new car is one.  Gunpoint robbery is two.  I'm gonna count this one as number three.

"So say we all..."