"I feel it everyday, it's all the same."
"It brings me down, but I'm the one to blame."
Lately it seems to be the same thing every single day. Work and sleep. There's nothing between. I haven't been eating much. I can't focus. The medications don't seem to be able to keep up with whatever is plaguing me right now. I know part of the problem. Having a gun pointed at you is a terrifying experience, and I'll just have to wait to get over that. The other part... well, I can't talk about that right now.
So, to anyone reading this, I apologize for all the depression that seems to be running rampant lately. I'll get better. I always do. It's just gonna take me some time to either get over this or break away altogether. Either way, the coming months are gonna be rough, and I apologize to my "friends". That's why I'm trying to keep all of this confined to my blog. Only those that really know me even know about this place, and I won't be spamming people that could care less with truly personal details. So, I keep the pity party to a minimum.
Someone told me I need to get a hobby, or something to interest me to distract me from my problems. But those things ARE my problems, or at least part of them. Photography has caused too many issues in my life, so as it stands, my photo passion is on indefinite hiatus. I can't sit down and play a video game because I just can't focus long enough before my mind goes where it doesn't need to.
Luckily, in public, I'm a good actor and can hide how I'm feeling. Dunno how long that'll last. For now, the overdose of meds is makin' me tired. So I'm gonna go to bed and hope I can actually get a decent night's sleep.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Nobody wins when everyone's losing,
Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one around me. That's a scary thought, because I'm one crazy son of a bitch. So, I'm crazy and yet everyone else seems to think that I should make a choice that goes against my moral code. So, the question becomes, which is more important? Honor and morality or Happiness? Obviously, I want both, but life doesn't work that way. So I have to choose. Well, I think I have to choose. I may not even have to choose at all because the situation that requires the choice may not even present itself. It's one of those "grab the bull by the horns" things. And bulls scare me. They're almost always angry and prone to impale skinny guys like me. I don't like being impaled.
If you couldn't tell by my inane rambling, this is in regards to my last post. Not the one on dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com (Plugged!), but the previous post, Awakening (song of the same name quoted). Honestly, I don't know what to think or do at this point. I think, as someone told me, I'm overthinking this and I'm letting it get to me far more than I should. I think there's something wrong with me. I was convinced I had given up my humanity years ago and that emotion wasn't something I had to concern myself with in my new evolved state.
Random glare for Spotify and its choice of songs to play at this moment (Bruno Mars).
So, yeah. I'm insane. I have a doctor's note to prove it. And speaking of insanity, the cause of all of this, that started my troubles to begin with years and years and years ago, well... I think it's time I ended that. Photography. It was one of the things that helped destroy my marriage. I obsessed too much about it. Even now, it caused the situation I'm in. I'll never be a real photographer. I'll never be successful at it. And it only seems to cause problems. So, probably time to pack it up and move along with life. Time always works against me anyway.
If you couldn't tell by my inane rambling, this is in regards to my last post. Not the one on dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com (Plugged!), but the previous post, Awakening (song of the same name quoted). Honestly, I don't know what to think or do at this point. I think, as someone told me, I'm overthinking this and I'm letting it get to me far more than I should. I think there's something wrong with me. I was convinced I had given up my humanity years ago and that emotion wasn't something I had to concern myself with in my new evolved state.
Random glare for Spotify and its choice of songs to play at this moment (Bruno Mars).
So, yeah. I'm insane. I have a doctor's note to prove it. And speaking of insanity, the cause of all of this, that started my troubles to begin with years and years and years ago, well... I think it's time I ended that. Photography. It was one of the things that helped destroy my marriage. I obsessed too much about it. Even now, it caused the situation I'm in. I'll never be a real photographer. I'll never be successful at it. And it only seems to cause problems. So, probably time to pack it up and move along with life. Time always works against me anyway.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Awakening
"I'll disappear... Take flight on the wind of wishing you were here."
"Fading light... Like a star who's light has been gone for years."
I made a mistake. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I was asking for trouble. I fell for a married woman. As always, it started harmless. Photographer and model to friends to .... wherever we were when it had to end. I knew it would be this way, and I thought that, after 7 years of being single, I was beyond feeling like this anymore. I didn't think attachment still existed in me. I was wrong.
However, despite what I've said and despite how I may have felt, I had/have no intentions of acting on it. I'm not the sort of person that steps between a relationship, especially marriage. I destroyed my own in that way and I would never do that to anyone else. So when the order was given to back off, I acquiesced. As a co-worker reminded me, I just miss having someone to watch stuff with, or chill out with, or even talk to. It's been years since I've really had a friend. I don't give a damn about sex. I never found that to be important. Sure, it's fun, but I can live without it.
Regardless, now all I can think about is what I don't have, and probably never will have. My defense mechanism is already kicking in and this is the part I hate most. Whenever things don't go my way, I tend to cut ties and seclude myself away from the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt. I feel like a hedgehog.
((The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.
Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism.))
Now I just feel that wariness to get close to anyone or anything. This has been a rough year for me, and they say bad things come in threes. A rear-end hit and run that totaled my new car is one. Gunpoint robbery is two. I'm gonna count this one as number three.
"So say we all..."
"Fading light... Like a star who's light has been gone for years."
I made a mistake. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I was asking for trouble. I fell for a married woman. As always, it started harmless. Photographer and model to friends to .... wherever we were when it had to end. I knew it would be this way, and I thought that, after 7 years of being single, I was beyond feeling like this anymore. I didn't think attachment still existed in me. I was wrong.
However, despite what I've said and despite how I may have felt, I had/have no intentions of acting on it. I'm not the sort of person that steps between a relationship, especially marriage. I destroyed my own in that way and I would never do that to anyone else. So when the order was given to back off, I acquiesced. As a co-worker reminded me, I just miss having someone to watch stuff with, or chill out with, or even talk to. It's been years since I've really had a friend. I don't give a damn about sex. I never found that to be important. Sure, it's fun, but I can live without it.
Regardless, now all I can think about is what I don't have, and probably never will have. My defense mechanism is already kicking in and this is the part I hate most. Whenever things don't go my way, I tend to cut ties and seclude myself away from the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt. I feel like a hedgehog.
((The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.
Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism.))
Now I just feel that wariness to get close to anyone or anything. This has been a rough year for me, and they say bad things come in threes. A rear-end hit and run that totaled my new car is one. Gunpoint robbery is two. I'm gonna count this one as number three.
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