50 Ways to Say...

Have you ever wanted to be part of a world that you don't belong in?  Have you ever thought that maybe, somehow, you were born out of place or out of time?  Maybe your values are far different than the generation around you.  Maybe your ideas about politics are more old fashioned than current society.  Or maybe, like me, your physical age has condemned you to being outcast from where your mental age thinks you should be.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too old for how I act.  I almost wish I had been born 10 years later.  But if I had, would I have the values I have now?  Would I be the same person?  Obviously I wouldn't, so I couldn't possibly be in the same situation I'm in now.  Would I be a photographer?  Probably not.  I wouldn't have my son.  Would I know the people who are most important in my life?  Pretty sure I wouldn't.  So, I guess I'm best off as I am.

Still, right now, I feel like I'm too old.  I know 35 isn't ancient by any means.  I'm a single dad.  I have no social life.  My attempts at photography yield little in the way of professional results, but they are by far some of the best times I can have.  The wonderful girls that have allowed me to use them as models have given hope to this old geezer that maybe, if I try hard enough, I might actually be able to do something with this passion of mine.

And on the topic of passion, those that really know me (and I've mentioned in past blog posts), know that I'm an all or nothing kinda guy.  If I get passionate about something, I devote everything to it.  But if I feel, even a little, that the effort I'm putting into something is wasted, I'll back off quickly and reassess the situation.  Right now, I'm at one of those points.

To be honest, there was gonna be a lot more, but I can barely see straight right now.  I'm about to faceplant on my laptop and fall asleep.  And goddammit Spotify... that was the wrong song to play at this moment.  More later.  Good night...

Ghost in the Machine

"I'm not calling for a second chance,"
"I'm screaming at the top of my voice"
"Give me reason, but don't give me choice"
"Because I'll just make the same mistake again."

Yesterday's post didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to.  That's why it's not here anymore.  I was a bit more judgemental than I had intended to be.  My opinions are always pretty intense, and usually when I get to the point where I start writing things down, the emotion behind what I'm writing has reached a critical point and I have to vent somehow.  So, for this, I apologize to any that I offended.

Lately, I've been accused of a lot of things  I've had many things suggested to me that I 'need' to do.  Everyone in this world knows what is best for everyone but themselves.  Yesterday, I demonstrated that by running my mouth about my beliefs and not giving a thought to anyone else.  That was part of the Old Matt coming out where the only thing that is important is me.  I had gotten over that for a while because I had found someone that made me feel like something in this world was worth living for (my son excluded, because he will always be numero uno).  I got carried away, swept up in a tumultuous tempest of torrid torment.  It had been a while since I felt "human emotion".  I'd been living for myself so long that I forgot what human companionship felt like.

So, apologies and excuses out of the way, now I have to set forth on the path to right the wrongs that I have wrought.  I have no idea how to do that considering that I am not allowed to have contact with the one that I have wronged.  Any attempt to do so would make me feel like the creepy old stalker that I've been accused of being.  So, I'm torn.  Do I try to right the wrongs?  Do I just stay away?  Do I vanish into the shadows and hope that any trace of my existence is forgotten?  This is where I'm truly lost.

You saw something in me that I can't see.  I look in the mirror and hate what I see looking back at me.  I live each day and wonder how people can stand to be around me.  You honestly made me a better person, or at least feel like one for a while.

To you, I am truly sorry beyond all words.  And while words are all I can offer, I know they can never, ever be enough.  I know that what you are going through and what I have possibly made worse are hard enough to handle without outside forces trying to break you down further.  I am sorry, and if I have the right to ask of you, tell me what you want me to do.

Finally, if you've made it this far (I don't know how I have), as is typical of this time of year, my photography will hit a standstill.  The weather, temperature and holiday plans prevent plans from becoming reality.  It's bad enough that the few people that had offered help don't even want to remain in contact, which is why I've chosen to let them go on their own ways.  So now the cameras are packed away until such time as an opportunity presents itself (usually by slapping me in the face).

Over and Over

"I feel it everyday, it's all the same."
"It brings me down, but I'm the one to blame."

Lately it seems to be the same thing every single day.  Work and sleep.  There's nothing between.  I haven't been eating much.  I can't focus.  The medications don't seem to be able to keep up with whatever is plaguing me right now.  I know part of the problem.  Having a gun pointed at you is a terrifying experience, and I'll just have to wait to get over that.  The other part... well, I can't talk about that right now.

So, to anyone reading this, I apologize for all the depression that seems to be running rampant lately.  I'll get better.  I always do.  It's just gonna take me some time to either get over this or break away altogether.  Either way, the coming months are gonna be rough, and I apologize to my "friends".  That's why I'm trying to keep all of this confined to my blog.  Only those that really know me even know about this place, and I won't be spamming people that could care less with truly personal details.  So, I keep the pity party to a minimum.

Someone told me I need to get a hobby, or something to interest me to distract me from my problems.  But those things ARE my problems, or at least part of them.  Photography has caused too many issues in my life, so as it stands, my photo passion is on indefinite hiatus.  I can't sit down and play a video game because I just can't focus long enough before my mind goes where it doesn't need to.

Luckily, in public, I'm a good actor and can hide how I'm feeling.  Dunno how long that'll last.  For now, the overdose of meds is makin' me tired.  So I'm gonna go to bed and hope I can actually get a decent night's sleep.

Nobody wins when everyone's losing,

Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one around me. That's a scary thought, because I'm one crazy son of a bitch. So, I'm crazy and yet everyone else seems to think that I should make a choice that goes against my moral code. So, the question becomes, which is more important? Honor and morality or Happiness? Obviously, I want both, but life doesn't work that way. So I have to choose. Well, I think I have to choose. I may not even have to choose at all because the situation that requires the choice may not even present itself. It's one of those "grab the bull by the horns" things. And bulls scare me. They're almost always angry and prone to impale skinny guys like me. I don't like being impaled.

If you couldn't tell by my inane rambling, this is in regards to my last post. Not the one on dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com (Plugged!), but the previous post, Awakening (song of the same name quoted). Honestly, I don't know what to think or do at this point. I think, as someone told me, I'm overthinking this and I'm letting it get to me far more than I should. I think there's something wrong with me. I was convinced I had given up my humanity years ago and that emotion wasn't something I had to concern myself with in my new evolved state.

Random glare for Spotify and its choice of songs to play at this moment (Bruno Mars).

So, yeah. I'm insane. I have a doctor's note to prove it. And speaking of insanity, the cause of all of this, that started my troubles to begin with years and years and years ago, well... I think it's time I ended that. Photography. It was one of the things that helped destroy my marriage. I obsessed too much about it. Even now, it caused the situation I'm in. I'll never be a real photographer. I'll never be successful at it. And it only seems to cause problems. So, probably time to pack it up and move along with life. Time always works against me anyway.

Awakening

"I'll disappear... Take flight on the wind of wishing you were here."
"Fading light... Like a star who's light has been gone for years."

I made a mistake.  I knew it was a mistake.  I knew I was asking for trouble.  I fell for a married woman.  As always, it started harmless.  Photographer and model to friends to .... wherever we were when it had to end.  I knew it would be this way, and I thought that, after 7 years of being single, I was beyond feeling like this anymore.  I didn't think attachment still existed in me.  I was wrong.

However, despite what I've said and despite how I may have felt, I had/have no intentions of acting on it.  I'm not the sort of person that steps between a relationship, especially marriage.  I destroyed my own in that way and I would never do that to anyone else.  So when the order was given to back off, I acquiesced.  As a co-worker reminded me, I just miss having someone to watch stuff with, or chill out with, or even talk to.  It's been years since I've really had a friend.  I don't give a damn about sex.  I never found that to be important.  Sure, it's fun, but I can live without it.

Regardless, now all I can think about is what I don't have, and probably never will have.  My defense mechanism is already kicking in and this is the part I hate most.  Whenever things don't go my way, I tend to cut ties and seclude myself away from the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt.  I feel like a hedgehog.

((The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid.
Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state of individual in relation to others in society. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma, one is recommended to use moderation in affairs with others both because of self-interest, as well as out of consideration for others. The hedgehog's dilemma is used to justify or explain introversion and isolationism.))
Now I just feel that wariness to get close to anyone or anything.  This has been a rough year for me, and they say bad things come in threes.  A rear-end hit and run that totaled my new car is one.  Gunpoint robbery is two.  I'm gonna count this one as number three.

"So say we all..."

Short update.

So, not much has really happened since my last update.  I went to the hospital Monday night for what I thought was an allergic reaction to my antidepressant.  I was wrong.  Turns out it was an adverse reaction from the antidepressant to my acid-reflux medication.  The two of those combined said, "Nuh uh!  You're gonna have a bad night!"

So, I'm not on that medication anymore.  They've moved me over into tranquilizer land.  I'm part of the Xanax family now.  Yay.  I can honestly say that it works.  Once the medication kicks in, anxiety and everything else just goes away.  I drift off into sleepy land.

Aside from that fun stuff, I made a blog to record my dreams as I remember them:

dreamsofmalice.blogspot.com

  

That is all for now!

Everything I'll ever be, I've been.

The past couple of days for me have been a little down.  I've cut back on the medication I was on because I don't believe that it's really what I needed.  The doctors keep giving me different prescriptions in order to find something that they think will work, but so far, they've had no luck.

Anyway, I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few days.  I've recently transferred out of a store I've worked at for over a year and back to a store that's closer to home.  The pros are that I'm closer to home and it'll save me gas.  The cons are that I'm away from something I became familiar with over the course of my time there.  I got used to the customer base.  I got used to the location.  I got used to the people.  And I'm gonna miss some of that.  I don't really like change.  In fact, it outright upsets me.

So, with that change going on, and the change in medication every so often, my mental state is in somewhat of a fucked flux.  At some times, I'm fine.  Some times I'm a little loopy.  Some times, like now, I'm pretty down.  I've got that feeling of being unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary and undesirable.  It doesn't help that I really have no one to talk to anymore.  I guess that's one thing that always balanced out the negativity in my mind.  Of course, I understand why I don't have anyone to talk to, and that's because life moves on.  No one can stay in the same place forever, no matter how much I want.  So, now I'm just dealing with life on my own.  Myself and my son who, as much as I love him and he loves me, isn't really the best conversationalist.  He keeps me sane, and insane at the same time.  That's the life of a parent, I guess.

On the note of the above, I've been having a lot of dog dreams lately.  I'm not sure where they're all coming from, other than the fact that I want a dog.  I dunno.  I guess it falls back on the desire to be needed.  And yes, I know that my son needs me, and he will always have me until one of these medications kills me.  But still, who doesn't want a cuddly little ball of fluff and adoration?

Hopefully this new medication (once I can afford to get it) will do the trick.  I hate feeling like this, and having no expressive outlet.  Anyway, on to the end of the post.