Dreams are weird things.

Figured I'd just take this time to fling down the remains of a dream I had about 8 hours ago. It's random as all hell, and may not make a lot of since to people that don't have kids or watch a lot of kid's shows.

The starting details are a bit fuzzy, but it begins with myself and my son at a shopping mall of some sort. They have an exhibit of art displayed in the halls. It's not fine art, just random art. So as we're looking over the items assembled, one of the individuals that seemed to be in charge mentions that there is a particular piece in a different hall that has a function of some sort that will help to feed the homeless by recycling bottles that you feed into it. Don't ask me where all this came from.

So, my son and I head towards that area, but on the way, we run across a crowd. In the middle of that crowd is the kids from that Nickelodeon show, iCarly, and they're singing "Don't Dream it's Over". Since my son likes to watch that show, we watched the performance, eventually getting to speak to the cast. For some unknown reason, the person that had organized all of this was Courtney Love, all clean and sober and not crazy at all. Afterwards, we all went back to some house and had a pizza party, but the bitch of the thing is, I had to make the pizzas. Even in my dreams, I'm stuck working.

In any event, now that I'm awake, I'm on my way to the District Attorney's office to see if I can avoid going to court tomorrow morning.

"So say we all."

In nomine Patris..

"We are the kingdom of light and dreams,"

"gnosis and life, Avantasia!"

Been in some of the strangest moods lately. Mainly irritable. Sometimes disappointed. Sometimes happy. Sometimes empty. Right now, empty.

I just finished 13 audiobooks from The Wheel of Time, catching up with the series in preparation for the release of the final book sometime next year. Honestly, I've listened to it in the car, during slow times before and after work, while doing dishes, doing yard work, even while gaming at times. Now that I'm all caught up and done, I feel an emptiness. I can only imagine how I'm gonna feel when the final book is released and it's all over and done with. As Brandon Sanderson said, I've been reading about these characters and their adventures for at least 10 years now, and I've become attached to them. They're almost like friends that you never see anymore but have had many good times with. So, yeah... Dorky and sad, but still.. All the above being said, that's been a huge part of mine time lately. I've been WoT obsessed. I've been researching background information. I've been looking up interviews. I've been going nuts trying to figure out where it's gonna go from here.

I've also been searching for a new band to listen to since Roy Khan left Kamelot. I'm sure Kamelot will carry on, but I didn't like their first vocalist, so I hold little hope for their new one. I have found a band that entertains me. Avantasia, a side project of Tobias Sammet of the band Edguy. They're a sort of metal opera type thing. Yeah...

Oh. I hate you.

"So say we all."

Another one of those nights.

I've been busy for the past week. I've been working almost non-stop, with only enough time to sleep between work shifts. Sometimes, even that wasn't guaranteed. In any event, today is my first day off in a week and a half. Not bad, but maaaaaaan I had some strange dreams last night.

First off, let me start by stating that it feels weird to have a dream that features a song that you haven't listened to in a good while. While I can see "7 Weeks" popping into my head, the fact that I hadn't heard in an at least a few months surprised me. What's even more surprising, and kinda worrisome, is that I had a dream that featured a song that I've NEVER heard. Apparently, it doesn't even exist. I've searched a few of the lyrics I recall on the interwebz and come up with nothing. Not the most classy of lyrics, but considering the settings for the dreams I had last night, they fit. They were:

"You could be crazy, I could be more,"
"You want me in the bedroom, I'll take you on the floor."

I had various dreams. One featured me and my son at some sort of carnival, playing a game together to win crazy prizes. Apparently, we were doing well, until someone escorted us away for doing too well.

Another featured a bridge that I've seen in MANY dreams before. The bridge goes over a body of water, not big, but at least 1/4 mile. And there's usually someone driving recklessly on the bridge, causing issues. This bridge is almost always in a dream in which I'm returning from a long trip.

That leads into the next dream. I was working at some sort of restaurant. I couldn't even say what kinda food they served. It was strange. Someone had come to visit me there and it threw the work environment into chaos as people got distracted and angry. That part was the longest dream, but it ended abruptly.

All in all, this ties into the last post that I made. My mind has been trying to deal with stuff so much that every night, some facet of my daily stress works its way into my dreams. I try to deal with it rationally, but who am I kidding? I'm not rational at all.

As for the Picture of the Post, I blame the AMVHell people for this video...



So, with that and the recent 'Brony' love for that My Little Pony show..

"So say we all..."

Dreams.

They are the killers of sanity.

Some people believe that having dreams can lead to a brighter future. They can give you something to look forward to. I'm not talking about the idealistic types of dreams. I'm in no way referring to the types of dreams that give hope that one day a man (or woman) can marry a llama without reproach from either species. No. I'm referring to the demonic nuggets of nocturnal mindfucks that sneak into your subconscious while you sleep.

Sure. Every once in a while you have a dream that leaves you feeling all great when you wake up. Maybe it was a dream about sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, or whatever it is that makes you happy. But let's be honest. On average, when you have a dream, it's either some confusing mess of garbled imagery that leaves you doubting your sanity, or something you can clearly understand WHY it made it into your head, but you kinda wish it hadn't.

Lately, my sleep schedule has been fairly regular. I usually pass out between midnight to 1am, and usually wake between 8am and 10am. However, the time in between that is usually filled with tossing and turning and a cluster-fusion of dreams that usually infect the next round of sleep with even more confusion. It doesn't do much for mental stability in the waking world.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of those dreams that I understand. I know why I'm having them, but I don't like that fact. I've got a lot of stuff on my mind. I'm pretty stressed. Sleep should be the time that I can escape all the bullshit of daily life. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. At least I have video games to distract me for hours on end.

"So say we all..."

Warning! Unfiltered Matt Thoughts!

Nope. Not dead yet.. Though there have been many times over the past year that I had wished I was. Not that I went all suicidal or anything. I have no respect for cowards, unless death is imminent and nothing can be done, then why not choose your own way out? Anyway, no.. My situation was that I developed some kinda mutant form of acid reflux or something. Unlike some people that just get indigestion, I basically curl up into a little ball and start spouting out to any deity that will listen that I want to get better or die. It's not pretty, or manly, but I've never been either.

This whole situation has affected my behavior greatly. I've evolved from 'The Bastard' into 'The Asshole'. I used to be kind of a dick towards people by making comments and such that were jokingly mean. Now, I'm just a flat out asshole. I don't care what people think about me. I'm not out to build relationships. I'm not out to make anyone happy. I'm just out to live my sad little life and get what happiness I want out of it. For me, that involves making myself and my son happy. That is all. Occasionally, I will take someone along and work towards their happiness, if it benefits me. And there I go being an asshole again. Deal with it.

I started into a discussion at work the other day when one of the girls called me a pervert for making a joking comment. I flat out told her that guys are sexual beasts. We think about sex almost constantly. If you're around for more than 30 seconds, we've probably thought about having sex with you. If we haven't, then we either weren't paying attention, or you aren't the type of the thinker. Nothing personal, but that's how it is. So, that's probably why I don't have many female friends anymore.

Aside from that, I have unreasonably high standards for everything. I expect what I want, when I want it, and if that doesn't happen, then I begin to wonder why I expected that I would get what I wanted in the first place. It's unfair to the world around me, but that's how I am. I won't change. I'll be 33 in about a month. It's a little late to start worrying about changing behavioral patterns. I'll just be a bitter asshole towards the world and save the little bit of caring I have for Phoenix.

That said, Phoenix is growing like a thing that grows fast and well. His school has been a great experience for him, sickness aside. He's learned a lot and made some friends. I don't really like his teacher. I think she's an alcoholic prostitute or something. Sometimes I wonder if she's just teaching the class as some sort of community service. But anyway, he likes her and until that changes, I'll keep my mouth shut.

The seasons are changing and warmer weather is coming soon. With the warmer weather comes many things that may brighten my mood. First off is the ability to get outside and use my cameras again! Photography is always a bright point of my day. Downside is when I can't find a decent subject to capture. I'm bitchy like that. I want to capture an image the way I see it in my head. If I can't, well... brooding artists and all that.

I wish I could just find some decent models. And no, I'm not just referring to women. Though, a few of those would help a lot, mainly because everything else I photograph does what it wants, when it wants. At least I could suggest things to the female model, even though she'd likely disregard it. Such is the life of a photographer. Bah.

And, because I'm rambling on and it's time for me to crash, I'll end this here. I'll probably be doing more posts soon since I remembered the login information here. So, until then, enjoy some Olivia Wilde hotness!

"So say we all..."

Back to work.

It's been a good while since my last entry. It's not that stuff hasn't been going on. I've just been too distracted to sit down and slap my thoughts on a bit of techno-paper. So, here I am, after a long work shift and tired as shit. Delirium, guide my hands!

First and foremost, work has been dominating my life. Many changes at the old pizza place since my last entry. I've been working my way up in the ranks and gathering more respect (yeah right!) from the rest of the crew. I honestly like this job a lot, and as with most things I like, I'm pouring everything into it. I just hope that this will yield better results than previous jobs.

On the family front, my son is evolving at an astounding rate. His learning skills amaze me, even if he does get distracted easily. His ability to navigate the video games I've gotten him shows me that his hand/eye coordination is good. Now if I can just get him to focus on whatever tasks are put before him, he'll be the new overlord of Chiron Beta Prime. And I'll still love him.

Apples are delicious.

I've managed to keep myself entertained in my off hours from work through my various hobbies. I've burned through a few anime series and keep zipping through more. Gundam 00 was my most recent conquest. Well, at least the first season anyway. I've started on the second and can't wait to watch more.

Video games have been the major time-killer recently. With Uncharted 2, Borderlands, Modern Warfare 2, Assassin's Creed 2 (Blegh!) and a few downloaded demos at my disposal, there definitely isn't a lack of stuff to play. Granted, Assassin's Creed 2 can suck mah bawls. I was so angry at that game that I highly doubt I'll play any further installments of the series.

There's much more to say, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll wrap this up.

"So say we all."

A break of tradition

To any that have visited this page before, you'll have noticed my running theme of posting an image of a cute character at the end of each entry. Today will be an exception, and I'm sure you'll understand why.

As my first post to this journal was made, I was grieving the loss of my dog, Reina. We called her Puppy, because we were lazy and she didn't seem to mind. She was 13 years old and was as loyal a dog as I had ever known. I raised her, along with my family, from a puppy to the wonderful dog that she was at her death. She was the first dog I had ever owned long enough to have die of natural causes. Not that any other dog I've owned died any other way. My parents usually didn't like them at the time, and I was too young to argue with them. Nevertheless, Reina was my first 'full-term' dog. She'll be missed.

Now, as Reina was dealt with in the first post, I'm sad to say that I'm again mourning the loss of a dog. This one Butters (Whom we called Piggy because his little snout caused him to snort like a pig when he sniffed around), died far too young. He was no more than 5 years old, but died of the same disease that got Reina. And while Reina's death wasn't really a shock to me, due to her age and the gradual onset of whatever illness it was, I was expecting it. With Piggy, it was more sudden. I went out to feed him, and he had gone to sleep under a swing in the yard, and never woke up.

As I buried him, I couldn't help but feel guilt. Like, maybe I could have done something. Maybe I should have come outside and played with him more. Maybe I should've done more in the yard so that he could follow behind me stupidly. With Reina, I had done all that. We played, walked, wrestled, relaxed... but with Piggy, I dunno.. He was technically my mom's dog, but I tend to become pretty connected to most animals I come in contact with. Due to that, I feel responsible, and I just want to cry.

I'm gonna miss the stupid little fur ball. And despite being against organized religion, I can only hope that he and Reina are rompin' around in that backyard of an afterlife for dogs.

Rest In Peace Reina ...

Rest In Peace Piggy ...

"So say we all."