Despre Tine Cânt

"I say I wanna be happy, but I quickly forget."
"Will I sabotage all the good I've got left?"
"Depression's like a big fur coat."
"It's made of dead things but it keeps me warm."

It's been a strange last week for me.  My contact with the outside world has been pretty scarce.  I've left my phone alone for a lot of the time.  A few text messages here and there.  Nothing major.  Trying to break my dependance.  Trying to do a lot of things.  We'll see how that works out.  Anyway, on to the stuff!

Dreams.  Fuckin' hell.  I had this dream last night where I was communicating with the spirits of three dead girls.  I'd say they were between 5 and 10, but I was talking to their ghosts as clearly as I would talk to a normal person.  I'm not sure exactly what was going on, but I believe I was helping them to solve their murders.  It didn't last long before I was zipped into the next portion of a dream.

In this one, I was in a school.  I recognize the layout as my old junior high.  The classes were weird.  It was like everyone was afraid.  If you missed class, there would be harsh penalties.  Me, being the person I am, didn't give a shit and walked out the front door.  Once outside, it was the parking lot of the local mall.  I began walking to my car and realized I was being followed.  I turned around in time to see a group of about 5 guys, one with a gun raised.  He pulled the trigger as a threw my arms up in a vain effort to block the bullet.  I took two shots in the left arm and it hurt like hell.  I still recall seeing my forearm torn to hell and the blood splatters on my clothes.  Next thing I recall was being taken back into some building.  People were trying to deal with the wound while I kept protesting and saying I was fine. 

Dreams are strange. 

But back to reality.  I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be.  He asked some questions, I answered.  He went off on side tangents, I listened and responded when asked.  All in all, it went smoothly.  He gave me drugs, I'll take them.  We'll see how it goes.  He seems to think that my 'depression' will be cured if I relocate.  I think it might make it worse.  I dunno.  We'll see how the new medicine works.

(A day later...)

Well, the new medicine earns its "May Cause Drowsiness" label.  I learned my lesson on that one.  Definitely an after work med.  I napped after taking it, woke up to go to work, passed out after getting home and slept until about 15 minutes ago.  Anyway, I need to finish this post.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm having one of those nights.  One of those nights that started as soon as I woke up this morning.  Right now, I've just got the urge to punch something or hop in my car and drive recklessly across town.  It's one of THOSE nights.  I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, alone, and all around fucked up.

I know what my problem is.  I let myself care.  Each time my ex and I see each other, it's always a good time, and when the time comes to separate, I never want to let go.  However, I get beyond that because I know that we can never be together again.  This time... this time, I let myself get too attached.  All the old feelings came back, and I found myself wanting to be with her again.  I had even gone so far as to start planning to move to where she lives just to be near her, even though I knew it was only going to hurt me more.  Right now, I'm feeling that, even if only in the smallest dosage.

I can't be with her, and I need to get my head around that.  I can't allow myself to care, and this is why I've constantly told people that I don't want a relationship.  They always ask why I don't find someone new, and I tell them that I just don't want it.  The truth of the matter is, I don't want it, because I can't have it.  I'm not relationship material.  I'm broken.  I'm not what anyone wants, and I honestly don't understand why anyone would question that.  I tell people that I'm too busy or I don't have the money for a relationship, joking around that 'girls are expensive'.  That's another truth.  I can't afford it.  Financially or emotionally, I'm bankrupt.  I'm gonna be alone, and I need to deal with that.

I've known a lot of people to do dumb things when they're feeling like this.  I honestly don't understand how someone could do something so drastic when bad moods like this usually pass in a few days.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I can understand WHY they do it.  I have no plans to die until a zombie rips my body apart.  I kid.  I'll definitely shoot myself before that happens.  Don't wanna be a zombie.  Nasty business.

Anyway, I had intended to go out and get alcohol, even though I haven't had any in years.  But, I never carry through with anything, so I'm just gonna go to bed.

Where do I start? Hmmm.  Well, I guess I'll start with the most recent thing.  I had this strange dream last night.  Actually, more than one strange dream.  But I'll talk about the one that woke me up.

It started off as a point of view from someone's camera.  They were recording a beach trip.  The people on camera were unfamiliar with the exception of my best friend, Candace.  I could hear the voice of the man behind the camera as she was just showing off her new bathing suit and her friends were just being goofy.  Eventually, she ran to the water and jumped in.

At this point, the PoV switched to my own perspective.  I could see the man behind the camera, and for some reason, it was Sam Witwer.  So now, I was watching the scene, yet no one could see me.  It was like I was a ghost watching the living.  But she was playing in the water, Sam lowered the camera and just watched from a distance.

Then, an older man in a suit, greyish lawyer looking attire, white shirt, red tie, walked up to me and started talking.  I was confused because no one else could see me.  He said, "You must really love her."  Again, I was confused, but nodded.  He said something about me being there must have something to do with being really interested in the events of the area.  I asked him what events he was talking about.  He mentioned something about some mass suicides to which I responded that I had heard of no such thing.  He handed me a newspaper that showed the headlines of hundreds of people dead in apparent mass suicides, one of the people being Candace.  Again, confusion hit me like a brick.  I had just seen her in the water, so I turned, and she was still out there playing with her friends.

I began to think this guy was crazy, so I accused him of such.  He shook the newspaper in my face again, and then I noticed the date.  The date on the paper was 2 weeks from the current date.  Confusion was replaced by shock.  I asked him what that meant, if he was from the future.  He nodded and said that I could change it.  "You would do anything to save her, wouldn't you?", he asked.  I nodded.  He handed me the paper and started to walk away.  "You have 2 weeks and 12 souls to save.  If you can do that, you can save her life."  And then he vanished, and I ran.

...and that's where I woke up!  Sounds like the pilot episode of a TV show.  I think I'd watch it.  I dunno. 

Beyond that, Candace came up to visit over the past few days as she came to grab our son and take him back to Texas for Summer break.  It was great to just hang out again.  We sat around and watched TV for hours.  We played some video games.  We went out to eat.  We unintentionally played in the rain.  We talked and had a great time.  I got to use my camera to document a bit of what went on, like the Kinect dance-off, which she smoked me at.  Phoenix was busy playing with Lego, so he didn't compete in that.  Though Soul Calibur got his attention, then he got distracted by Portal 2 and Minecraft, leaving me and his mom to get back to Storage Hunters.

Dancing the day away!