Barkeep, another Mekong please.

So, I know I talk a lot of talk.  I know I say a lot of things.  A lot of the time, I mean what I say, because I have no one to impress.  The rest of the time, I'm lying for exactly the same reason.  I have no one to impress.

I pretend not to care what people think about me, but I do.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I suppose that's why I've been having such a hard time these past few months.  I'm about back to where I was before the situation started, but not quite.  I'm more back to the self-destructive ways of about 4 years ago.  I guess everyone deals in their own ways.

I'm tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  I thought for a long time that I didn't need or want a relationship.  Now, I look back at the last 7 years and wonder if I should have scrapped that attitude and tried.  I keep dreaming about having someone to hug and cuddle and all that sappy stuff.  When I wake up, I'm alone, and it's starting to bother me.

I suppose that I've convinced myself that I'll be alone because no one will ever wanna be with a guy like me.  But that's not just it.  I've got such ridiculous standards for what I'd like in a partner that I'm just fighting an uphill battle.  I don't even know why I'm venting this.  It's not like anyone will read it until after I'm dead and someone goes looking for a reason that it happened.

My brain has lost its mind.

Spiders.  Kittens.  Ex-wives.  Keyboards of the musical variety.  Family members seldom spoken to.  Cameras.  Nudity.  All of these were present in last night's crazy torrent of dreams.

I often dream of spiders.  I suppose it's because it was one of the few things that I was good at photographing.  They didn't move much.   They didn't judge, and I always knew where they'd be.  So, I often see them in my sleep, though the ones in my dreams are often far larger and far more grotesque than those I'd ever see in reality.  Spiders so large that they resemble crabs and actually leave skeletons upon death.

A couple of nights running now, I've dreamt of kittens.  In particular, two nights ago, I dreamt that I saved this small brownish black kitten from drowning.  I reached down to grab him and he, or she, dug claws into my hand to hold on for dear life.  I brought the kitten home, only to be told that I was not allowed to have pets at my house.  Last night, I dreamt I walked out into the backyard, and the kitten came crawling from beneath a pile of branches.  The poor thing looked horrible.  Fur gone in patches.  Bloody pawprints left as it walked through my yard.  I felt so horrible and wanted to do something for it.

I often dream of my ex-wife.  Not surprising, I suppose.  They vary from hateful dreams to loving dreams.  I don't suppose I'll ever be rid of those dreams, no matter what.

For some reason, I had a dream that my step-cousin fixed an old musical keyboard that I no longer have.  It was given to the ex-wife a long time ago.  I suppose there's relevance there.  I dunno.

It's 9:04am.  I'm already pretty messed up.  Today should be interesting.

First Post of 2014

Welcome to 2014 my dear fans.  Okay, maybe not fans.  Poor unfortunate souls?  No, we won't break into that Little Mermaid song.  Ponies breaking into song at the drop of a hat?  Who does that?  

So, yeah.  I've been quiet for a little while now.  Mainly because I kept this blog going for one person.  When that person was no longer a part of my life, I drifted away from it.  I felt there was no point in recording thoughts for no one to read besides myself.  But, it's therapeutic, and I felt that it was time to ramble on about random stuff just to get it out of my cranium.  Fair warning, however.  This post may be a little media heavy.  Pictures, videos, such like that.  I said MAY be.  I might get lazy halfway through and just give up.  I've been known to do that.  

Anyway, this idea started this morning when I watched a parody video of a Maroon 5 song.  Side note:  Adam Levine is yummy.

So, the video is a parody of the Maroon 5 song, One More Night.  The parody is called One More Fight and is about a bunch of gamers who choose to play games rather than go to bed with their significant others.  Well, after watching the video, I can say that all those guys are fucking stupid.  Those girls were hawt.  But one stood out and blew me away.  I had to go and look up who she was, because if you're in a YouTube video these days, you've got some sort of fame somewhere.  I was right.

Her name is Britanni Johnson.  Not a huge celebrity, but she played the role of Angel in the Borderlands games.  I feel the urge to finally finish Borderlands 2 now.  But yeah.  I thought she was damn gorgeous.  The other girls weren't bad, but still.  Mee-yow.  She actually reminds me of a friend of mind.  Or nemesis.  We can't decide.

Aside from that eye candy, I've gotten much better as far as 'depression' goes.  I've gotten over false love and hope.  I've picked up my camera again and I've started looking forward to taking pictures again.  I've had an invitation to be a wedding photographer as well as some casual photography.  So, we'll see how this year goes.  After the horrible year that was 2013, I hope everything goes super this year.

In other news, I've gained 15 pounds since my last post.  Finally, I'm moving up towards where I should be.  Health is fine.  I'm not as crazy.  The alcohol has helped.  Or hindered.  I dunno.  It's fun.  I love not feeling like the me I used to be, which is to say a morbidly depressed horny old guy with a camera.

We shall end this post with the video that sparked it to begin with.

16 Days

16 Days left in this dreadful year.  I'll be happy when it's gone and I'll take everything from this year and put it behind me.  I'm gonna pretend like this year never happened.  Next year, I'll start over fresh and hopefully things will go different.

Last post I mentioned that my drinking wasn't because of any one reason and that I have an easily addictive personality.  More and more, it's becoming true.  Or, rather, it's getting worse.  I'm drinking every day now.  Alone, obviously.  Money I could be spending elsewhere is going towards alcohol.  If I'm out, then it's a priority to get more.  I have a problem, and I need to deal with it.  I need to take a stance and call it quits.  Drop the bottles and be done, just like with relationships and friendships.

More and more lately, I've been feeling the anger building.  I know part of it has to do with the alcohol.  In combination with the antidepressants, it has the tendency to cause that reaction.  However, there are other factors at work and I'm losing my cool more often.  I lost my temper at work the other night and nearly made an employee quit.  I shut one guy up just by looking at him because I was that pissed.  I could feel my face burning and my mouth was far too slow to keep up with the torrent of hate that was flowing from my brain.

I'm not proud of myself, and I don't like what I've become over these last months.  But as I said, 16 more days and I'm done with this year and everything that came with it.

The Story Ain't Over...

Not by a long shot.

I know I haven't posted in a while.  At least, not by recent standards.  I realized that I posted more entries in the month of November alone than I did all of last year.  I guess I've had a lot built up over time.  Now I'm running out of things to say.  With this year drawing to a close, I figure it's time to start thinking about what needs to change in the coming year.

First off, I want to state that my drinking recently is not BECAUSE of any one person.  It's not because someone BROKE me.  It is the fault of no one but myself.  I have an addictive personality, and when I find something I like, I tend to go all out.  Since I rediscovered that I could drink, that part of me has come back in full force.  I used to drink all the time, by myself, with friends, social or not, it didn't matter.  By definition, that's an alcoholic.  So why do I do it?  Because it makes me feel like not me.  And not me is who I wanted to be when I began drinking.  Yes, I hit a rough patch for a while and it started me on this train, but I could have chosen to get off at any point, but I keep going.  Now, I need to find a reason to stop.  That's where the problem lies.  It's not WHY do I drink, but WHY SHOULDN'T I drink?

Also, we're drawing up on Christmas, which has become a rather lonely time in my family.  It's just my immediate household now.  Mom, Dad, me and my son.  Sisters are far away.  No other family to care about nearby.  No friends.  I always get nostalgic around this time of year.  The music, the smell of burning wood in the cold winter air, the clear night sky... It all reminds me of my youth and the Christmas holidays that I spent at different family events.  It's kinda sad to know that my son will likely never have that.  We have each other, and that's probably how it'll stay for a few more years, until he finds a girlfriend.

I know this is a short post, but the hour draws late, and the alcohol runs low.  Also, I'm old and lazy.  So, I end this here.

I forgot to put a title, so here it is.

I just got home from a hellish day at work.  Nothing too stressful, but annoying and long.  Days like that give me too much time to think, and as things are at Dramano's, people can't shut up about stuff that isn't their business.  So they always have to pry into everyone else's private lives.  Well, the joke is on them.  My life ain't so private. I'll talk about whatever in a heartbeat and don't give a damn about hiding anything.  That, and I have nothing going on.

So, I made this Facebook post the other day about how people at work questioned how it is that I've gone 7 years without companionship.  While my friend Chad did bring up the point that I have my son, a constant companion and my best little buddy, I should clarify that the person was likely referring to adult companionship.

Now, I may be weird in saying this, and anyone that knows me knows how my mind works, but I have no interest in sex. It may make me seem strange to some people, but if it happens, it happens.  I'm more interested in the hugs, the cuddles, kisses whenever we see each other, watching movies together, and things like that.  What it seems is that I want a really close friend of the female persuasion, but the DFO has determined that I do not need one of those. I'll admit, I enjoyed having someone to talk to for the few weeks that I did, but I spent 7 years being single and celibate.  I can do it again.

I will admit, I'm falling back into bad habits to get this done.  Up until about a month or so ago, I hadn't had alcohol in 4 years.  Now if I'm not at work, I'm almost constantly drinking.  I know I've heard people say that they do drugs or drink because they don't want to feel like themselves, and I can totally understand that.  I mean, there's not much to me to begin with.  I play video games, I watch anime, I watch TV shows, I watch movies, I play with my son, I work for a pizza place.  That's about it.  I have nothing else going on.  Photography was great, but I think I ruined that, despite all the good things that came from it.

I dunno.  Sometimes I feel like I have more to say that I really do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to one specific person, and sometimes I feel like the whole world is listening.  And then there's the times where I feel like I'm just typing this out for the future me to read later on and go, "What the fuck was wrong with you?"

The Cure - "Love Song"

Too Much

This is an excerpt from one of my poetic journals called Spiral Staircase.  Not really a poem, just something I jotted down while I thought I was being artistic.  I now type it out as I've had a shitload to drink and I think I'm on the border of drunk and being sick.

"Alone, standing in the void,"
"The only light shining from high above,"
"He takes his first step."
"The spiral staircase twirls."
"The path is clear and seems unending."
"The step holds firm."
"With a sigh of relief, the next step."
"Voices cry out, his head spins,"
"And again, the step holds."
"With confidence, he strides,"
"Treading the spiral of glass."
CRACK!
"A step fractures, his face clouds."
"Worried, he steps forward."
CRACK!
"With each step, another crack."
CRASH!
"His foot falls through the glass."
Pain surges as the glass tears through his skin."
"Slowly, he pulls his foot out,"
"and carefully steps forward."
CRASH!
"The other foot crashes through the glass."
"He cries out for help"
"as he pulls his wounded foot out."
"Careful to be gentle with each bloody step,"
"he waits to see what the glass will do."
"No sound."
"He continues on, blood trailing on the fractured glass."
"Suddenly, his legs give out and he falls,"
"breaking through the glass."
"His body is sliced and cut."
"One hand, barely, grasps the sharp edges."
"Cutting. tearing, hurting, "
"He wants to scream,"
"he wants to let go, but, "
"he pulls himself up, struggling for the top.
"Battered, broken, bleeding and bruised,"
"the young heart reaches the top of the spiral."
"The light, so warm..."
"He steps forward, into the light, the staircase shatters around him."
"His eyes awaken from the dream.."
"He rolls over to look at her, his light at the top of the stairs..."
It was worth it.


I don't really know where this was going when I wrote it, or why I'm posting it now.  I just know that I'm feeling strange and I needed to do something.