Let me preface this entry by stating that this blog will be going on hiatus, if not terminated indefinitely. Lately, things have been heading in a direction that I don't care to record. If there are any people reading this, I don't care to depress them, and if I am simply typing these words for myself, I'd care not to remember.
I'll start by breaking habit and talking about a dream I had. It's short, so not worthy of my dream blog. It involved a long text message conversation with a girl whom we shall call Melisande. She and I had been chatting for some time, but the last text message she sent before the dream ended said, "I miss you." At that point I woke up and reached for my phone to reply to the message, only to realize that I had about to send "I miss you, too" to someone that would have had no idea what I was talking about.
This is why the blog is going on hiatus. I got myself into a fucked up situation and I further fucked it up by carrying on in a manner of behavior that I'm ashamed of. I further, FURTHER fucked it up by doing something I expressly said I would NOT do when asked, and for that I deserve whatever happens. After two days of binge drinking, the alcohol collided with the antidepressants putting me into a low that I had not known in some time. Suicidal thoughts and such. Thoughts alone, mind you. I could never do it. I could never do what my father did to me and I could not do that to my son or the people I care most about. Still, I deserve whatever happens because of my behavior.
I wish beyond all else that I could make things right. I wish that things were different. I wish I weren't so damned emotional. But most of all, I wish for her to be happy. If my suffering will lead to her happiness, then I'll gladly bear it and do what I've done for the last 7 years.
This is Matthew Levi, signing off for a while. Good night.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Blogging is for Lonely People
Seriously. I've noticed that the lonelier you are, the more you blog. If you have no one to spend time with or anything else to occupy your time, you blog. You have to gossip or get your feelings out somehow, so you come to some dark corner of the internet to spew your word vomit into some datapile on the internet and hope that someday, someone will read it and find your words inspirational or some bullshit like that. It worked for me once.
So, I made the comment a while back that I like to live to a higher standard that most people. That I tend to act like I'm better than everyone, because I am. I realized today that I was a little bit wrong. After living in Fayetteville, the asshole of Fort Bragg, for all my life, I've grown up to despise the soldiers I see around here because they're usually the newly enlisted asshats that think they're just the hottest shit on the scene because they're military now. So, I've hated the military for as long as I can remember.
Today, during one of those random moments of clarity that the Divine Fluffy One bestows on me once in a while, I realized that while I may hate the soldiers I've run across, I'm not better than them. Sure, I'm pretty sure I'd lay down my life for someone I love, whether it be my son, or my family, my ex-wife, or even another, I don't think I could just randomly go out there and die for a faceless cause. I like to see the people I help, and if I'm gonna die, I want the person that I'm dying for to know what I did. I'm selfish like that. So for all the soldiers out there that are fighting and dying, serving or have served, enlisted or retired, I apologize for all the shit I've talked over the years. You are far better people than I will ever be. I'm just a single dad with a shitty job and no hope anymore. So I salute you all and wish you well.
Related to that note, all the fucking assholes that take advantage of the spouses or significant others of those that are deployed elsewhere and fighting and dying for us need to be castrated. I know a girl that would be happy to do it. I'm guilty of it as well. I made mistakes and took liberties with a girl who's husband had just gone off to basic training. While nothing was done physically, what I did was wrong. Emotionally, I got attached and caused issues in her life, so I am guilty and deserve whatever punishment comes my way. I will accept it. And, if the time comes where her husband confronts me, I will accept whatever physical punishment he throws my way without hesitation.
Hell, I'm about ready to just go out and get into a bar fight and take punishment just to make myself feel like I've made some sort of attrition for my transgressions. But I'm lazy and a wuss. I don't understand why people even talk to me.
So, I made the comment a while back that I like to live to a higher standard that most people. That I tend to act like I'm better than everyone, because I am. I realized today that I was a little bit wrong. After living in Fayetteville, the asshole of Fort Bragg, for all my life, I've grown up to despise the soldiers I see around here because they're usually the newly enlisted asshats that think they're just the hottest shit on the scene because they're military now. So, I've hated the military for as long as I can remember.
Today, during one of those random moments of clarity that the Divine Fluffy One bestows on me once in a while, I realized that while I may hate the soldiers I've run across, I'm not better than them. Sure, I'm pretty sure I'd lay down my life for someone I love, whether it be my son, or my family, my ex-wife, or even another, I don't think I could just randomly go out there and die for a faceless cause. I like to see the people I help, and if I'm gonna die, I want the person that I'm dying for to know what I did. I'm selfish like that. So for all the soldiers out there that are fighting and dying, serving or have served, enlisted or retired, I apologize for all the shit I've talked over the years. You are far better people than I will ever be. I'm just a single dad with a shitty job and no hope anymore. So I salute you all and wish you well.
Related to that note, all the fucking assholes that take advantage of the spouses or significant others of those that are deployed elsewhere and fighting and dying for us need to be castrated. I know a girl that would be happy to do it. I'm guilty of it as well. I made mistakes and took liberties with a girl who's husband had just gone off to basic training. While nothing was done physically, what I did was wrong. Emotionally, I got attached and caused issues in her life, so I am guilty and deserve whatever punishment comes my way. I will accept it. And, if the time comes where her husband confronts me, I will accept whatever physical punishment he throws my way without hesitation.
Hell, I'm about ready to just go out and get into a bar fight and take punishment just to make myself feel like I've made some sort of attrition for my transgressions. But I'm lazy and a wuss. I don't understand why people even talk to me.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Worst Lucky Chicken Ever
The universe and I have had our fair share do disagreements in the past. Usually the Divine Being with the Fluffy Tail of Bitchslap and I deal in a give and take relationship. I give my blood, sweat and tears and in exchange I get a few table scraps from the Cosmic Feast of Divinity the the Fluffy One enjoys daily. Sometimes those scraps are bits of filet mignon, and other times it's the gristly bits of the steak that no one wants.
Over the past seven or so years, I've been content with the lower quality scraps that fall my way. I've been single and celibate for that amount of time with no intent on getting back onto that train. I was "happy" with my work, my son, and my photography. All of that changed a couple months back when I got the offer for. A coworker to use his fiancé as a model.
So, the table scraps jumped up in quality quite a bit. Through the photography, she and I hit it off quite well. As a photographer, I have a flirty nature. As a fairly unattractive male, I pay that flirty nature no mind because no girl would ever react to it. This girl was different. Something clicked, and we became friends pretty quickly. Over time, it evolved and we were doing more and more shoots together and the flirting became something more. There began to be a tension in the air. So, at a certain point, I said that we needed to discuss the big pink elephant in the room.
We discussed that there was something in the air. We both acknowledged it and both agreed that nothing would ever happen. At this point she was married and I am not the sort to intrude or disrupt a marriage. I destroyed my own, and I would never do that to someone else. I made up my mind that I would stick to that no matter what. And I did.
As of writing this, nothing ever happened between us. We never held hands, hugged, kissed, or anything beyond that. Out physical contact was kept to a minimum and that's how it stayed. That being said, we did some pictures at some point that someone found objectionable and it was brought to the lady's mother's attention. After that, the hunt for blood began.
We cannot see each other any further, which is probably for the best. I let my heart run wild. I let my otherwise cold and bitter hear thaw and think that maybe I could have some happiness in my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but the time I spent with her made me feel more alive than I had in years. And so, as per the norm, the Divine Being of the Fluffy Tail smote me well and now I return to the life I led before; in solace and celibacy.
Of course, I say all these things and make it seem like I'm the only one suffering through this ordeal. While I cannot speak on her feelings towards me, I know that many a tragedy has befallen her over the past month. Some of it is my fault. I caused much drama for her and I cannot apologize to her enough. Some of it was brought about by the Cosmic Squirrel of Malice, and yet still some by jealous friends that couldn't have minded their own business.
So, the tl;dr version is: I fucked up. Let myself have feelings. Fucked up a girl's life and lost a great friend. Now I'm bitter and cynical once again.
The old Matt is back. Be prepared.
Over the past seven or so years, I've been content with the lower quality scraps that fall my way. I've been single and celibate for that amount of time with no intent on getting back onto that train. I was "happy" with my work, my son, and my photography. All of that changed a couple months back when I got the offer for. A coworker to use his fiancé as a model.
So, the table scraps jumped up in quality quite a bit. Through the photography, she and I hit it off quite well. As a photographer, I have a flirty nature. As a fairly unattractive male, I pay that flirty nature no mind because no girl would ever react to it. This girl was different. Something clicked, and we became friends pretty quickly. Over time, it evolved and we were doing more and more shoots together and the flirting became something more. There began to be a tension in the air. So, at a certain point, I said that we needed to discuss the big pink elephant in the room.
We discussed that there was something in the air. We both acknowledged it and both agreed that nothing would ever happen. At this point she was married and I am not the sort to intrude or disrupt a marriage. I destroyed my own, and I would never do that to someone else. I made up my mind that I would stick to that no matter what. And I did.
As of writing this, nothing ever happened between us. We never held hands, hugged, kissed, or anything beyond that. Out physical contact was kept to a minimum and that's how it stayed. That being said, we did some pictures at some point that someone found objectionable and it was brought to the lady's mother's attention. After that, the hunt for blood began.
We cannot see each other any further, which is probably for the best. I let my heart run wild. I let my otherwise cold and bitter hear thaw and think that maybe I could have some happiness in my life. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but the time I spent with her made me feel more alive than I had in years. And so, as per the norm, the Divine Being of the Fluffy Tail smote me well and now I return to the life I led before; in solace and celibacy.
Of course, I say all these things and make it seem like I'm the only one suffering through this ordeal. While I cannot speak on her feelings towards me, I know that many a tragedy has befallen her over the past month. Some of it is my fault. I caused much drama for her and I cannot apologize to her enough. Some of it was brought about by the Cosmic Squirrel of Malice, and yet still some by jealous friends that couldn't have minded their own business.
So, the tl;dr version is: I fucked up. Let myself have feelings. Fucked up a girl's life and lost a great friend. Now I'm bitter and cynical once again.
The old Matt is back. Be prepared.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Reversion and Regression and Retribution
((Apologies in advance for any errors you may run across whilst reading this. I'm attempting to correct mistakes as I find them, but my skills are a little lacking right now as I have been steadily drinking since last night. While this may upset some people, it's far better than the alternative.))
So I was told a little while that I needed to go back to being the old Matt. It took me a while to realize what that meant. Like, how old? I'm assuming the Matt that existed between 2006 and early 2013. So this is the post-Candace and pre-hope Matt. After my marriage dissolved, I gave up hope on humanity and human contact. So, I decided on a lfe of solitude. No relationships, no friends, no socialization. work, home, occasional shopping. that's it. So that's where I'm going. Back to those day, because you can't fucking trust anyone.
Recently, I had hope that my life wasn't meant to be lived alone. Maybe I could have friends. Maybe I could have hope. Maybe I could have love. Perhaps not a relationship in teh standard sense, but still... But no, that wasn't to be, because you cant trust anyone. People are liars and only out for themselves. I've tried to live my life to a higher moral code and treat people as I've wanted to be treated. I help when I don't need to, or even when it puts me into a bind. I want to do what I can to help. However, I've learned that all my good deeds don't amount to shit when there are people out there that, for whatever reason, will shoot you down minutes after you've done them a great favor. I know I've wronged people in my many years. I feel guilty about that. Some people do, some don't. So, right now, I can't even understand why someone would or could do something that they know is gonna cause trouble for someone they call a friend.
But right now, this isn't about them. This is about me. I messed up. I trusted the wrong people. I did the wrong things. I caused drama for someone I care a lot about even though I knew that my feelings were the worst things that I could have for that person. You can't just have feelings for a married person and expect that things are goingg to work out just fine. Unfortunately, that's what I did. I assumed that my optimism would work out in the end and that happy endings could happen.
So, I know this is a scattered entry, leaping from area to area and emotion to emotion. I told you, I've been drinking for almost 24 hours, minus some for sleep. Even then, I'd wake up in the night and take another drink. I'm a horrible person, and thus I go back to my life of solitude. I should have never given way to hope.
So I was told a little while that I needed to go back to being the old Matt. It took me a while to realize what that meant. Like, how old? I'm assuming the Matt that existed between 2006 and early 2013. So this is the post-Candace and pre-hope Matt. After my marriage dissolved, I gave up hope on humanity and human contact. So, I decided on a lfe of solitude. No relationships, no friends, no socialization. work, home, occasional shopping. that's it. So that's where I'm going. Back to those day, because you can't fucking trust anyone.
Recently, I had hope that my life wasn't meant to be lived alone. Maybe I could have friends. Maybe I could have hope. Maybe I could have love. Perhaps not a relationship in teh standard sense, but still... But no, that wasn't to be, because you cant trust anyone. People are liars and only out for themselves. I've tried to live my life to a higher moral code and treat people as I've wanted to be treated. I help when I don't need to, or even when it puts me into a bind. I want to do what I can to help. However, I've learned that all my good deeds don't amount to shit when there are people out there that, for whatever reason, will shoot you down minutes after you've done them a great favor. I know I've wronged people in my many years. I feel guilty about that. Some people do, some don't. So, right now, I can't even understand why someone would or could do something that they know is gonna cause trouble for someone they call a friend.
But right now, this isn't about them. This is about me. I messed up. I trusted the wrong people. I did the wrong things. I caused drama for someone I care a lot about even though I knew that my feelings were the worst things that I could have for that person. You can't just have feelings for a married person and expect that things are goingg to work out just fine. Unfortunately, that's what I did. I assumed that my optimism would work out in the end and that happy endings could happen.
So, I know this is a scattered entry, leaping from area to area and emotion to emotion. I told you, I've been drinking for almost 24 hours, minus some for sleep. Even then, I'd wake up in the night and take another drink. I'm a horrible person, and thus I go back to my life of solitude. I should have never given way to hope.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Lost Cause
((other post made at Dreams of Malice ))
Someone recently said that they don't trust easily. I can understand that. I have very little trust left in me these days. I'm bitter and cynical, I know, but I have my reasons. Of course, when this person made this statement, it made me realize something important about myself. I don't want to be trusted. To be trusted sets up expectations. When there are expectations, people can be let down.
On the flip side, I have a constant need to be needed or accepted. So I do whatever I can to fit in. It probably comes from the lack of a social life I had in school. I was never a popular kid. I've always been skinny, gangly, unattractive, and thus I've never really been popular with the girls. I don't have many male friends because I don't think like a typical male. I'm more emotional and tend to be more open minded, so I identify more with a female mindset. So, I usually have more female "friends". Of course, that's all they are and all they'll ever be. Not many girls want a goofy looking bastard like me hanging around.
Even throughout my marriage of two years, I was a constant source of ridicule from the friends of my wife. One particular comment I recall was one where we had posted a photo of her standing in front of me and I had my arms around her waist. The comment said, "wtf is that thing growing out of your back?" And I realized I was THAT guy. The goofy looking bastard that just happened to be lucky enough to land a cute girl, and everyone hated me for it or was confused by it.
So after that relationship ended, I made a vow to myself to never get into another relationship again. I would never be the "reacher" in the relationship and I would never allow anyone to "settle" for me. So here it is, 7 years later, and I'm sticking with that.
On the original point of trust, I don't want people to trust me. I can't trust myself. I don't want people to think I'm a good guy, because I'm not. Everything that I do, I do for a reason. Sometimes I do things for kindness, but that is just to make someone happy or make myself feel better, but it's still for a reason. Sometimes I go out of my way to help someone, but it's just to show that I can be needed at times. So yes, everything I do is for a reason. Some reasons are more sinister than others, but always for my own benefit.
What's the point of all this? Don't trust me. Don't have faith in me. Don't think I'm a good guy. Don't think I have a heart. Don't waste time on me. And for the love of whatever you hold dear, don't fall for me. That will be a fall that will disappoint and destroy you.
Someone recently said that they don't trust easily. I can understand that. I have very little trust left in me these days. I'm bitter and cynical, I know, but I have my reasons. Of course, when this person made this statement, it made me realize something important about myself. I don't want to be trusted. To be trusted sets up expectations. When there are expectations, people can be let down.
On the flip side, I have a constant need to be needed or accepted. So I do whatever I can to fit in. It probably comes from the lack of a social life I had in school. I was never a popular kid. I've always been skinny, gangly, unattractive, and thus I've never really been popular with the girls. I don't have many male friends because I don't think like a typical male. I'm more emotional and tend to be more open minded, so I identify more with a female mindset. So, I usually have more female "friends". Of course, that's all they are and all they'll ever be. Not many girls want a goofy looking bastard like me hanging around.
Even throughout my marriage of two years, I was a constant source of ridicule from the friends of my wife. One particular comment I recall was one where we had posted a photo of her standing in front of me and I had my arms around her waist. The comment said, "wtf is that thing growing out of your back?" And I realized I was THAT guy. The goofy looking bastard that just happened to be lucky enough to land a cute girl, and everyone hated me for it or was confused by it.
So after that relationship ended, I made a vow to myself to never get into another relationship again. I would never be the "reacher" in the relationship and I would never allow anyone to "settle" for me. So here it is, 7 years later, and I'm sticking with that.
On the original point of trust, I don't want people to trust me. I can't trust myself. I don't want people to think I'm a good guy, because I'm not. Everything that I do, I do for a reason. Sometimes I do things for kindness, but that is just to make someone happy or make myself feel better, but it's still for a reason. Sometimes I go out of my way to help someone, but it's just to show that I can be needed at times. So yes, everything I do is for a reason. Some reasons are more sinister than others, but always for my own benefit.
What's the point of all this? Don't trust me. Don't have faith in me. Don't think I'm a good guy. Don't think I have a heart. Don't waste time on me. And for the love of whatever you hold dear, don't fall for me. That will be a fall that will disappoint and destroy you.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
50 Ways to Say...
Have you ever wanted to be part of a world that you don't belong in? Have you ever thought that maybe, somehow, you were born out of place or out of time? Maybe your values are far different than the generation around you. Maybe your ideas about politics are more old fashioned than current society. Or maybe, like me, your physical age has condemned you to being outcast from where your mental age thinks you should be.
Sometimes I feel like I'm too old for how I act. I almost wish I had been born 10 years later. But if I had, would I have the values I have now? Would I be the same person? Obviously I wouldn't, so I couldn't possibly be in the same situation I'm in now. Would I be a photographer? Probably not. I wouldn't have my son. Would I know the people who are most important in my life? Pretty sure I wouldn't. So, I guess I'm best off as I am.
Still, right now, I feel like I'm too old. I know 35 isn't ancient by any means. I'm a single dad. I have no social life. My attempts at photography yield little in the way of professional results, but they are by far some of the best times I can have. The wonderful girls that have allowed me to use them as models have given hope to this old geezer that maybe, if I try hard enough, I might actually be able to do something with this passion of mine.
And on the topic of passion, those that really know me (and I've mentioned in past blog posts), know that I'm an all or nothing kinda guy. If I get passionate about something, I devote everything to it. But if I feel, even a little, that the effort I'm putting into something is wasted, I'll back off quickly and reassess the situation. Right now, I'm at one of those points.
To be honest, there was gonna be a lot more, but I can barely see straight right now. I'm about to faceplant on my laptop and fall asleep. And goddammit Spotify... that was the wrong song to play at this moment. More later. Good night...
Sometimes I feel like I'm too old for how I act. I almost wish I had been born 10 years later. But if I had, would I have the values I have now? Would I be the same person? Obviously I wouldn't, so I couldn't possibly be in the same situation I'm in now. Would I be a photographer? Probably not. I wouldn't have my son. Would I know the people who are most important in my life? Pretty sure I wouldn't. So, I guess I'm best off as I am.
Still, right now, I feel like I'm too old. I know 35 isn't ancient by any means. I'm a single dad. I have no social life. My attempts at photography yield little in the way of professional results, but they are by far some of the best times I can have. The wonderful girls that have allowed me to use them as models have given hope to this old geezer that maybe, if I try hard enough, I might actually be able to do something with this passion of mine.
And on the topic of passion, those that really know me (and I've mentioned in past blog posts), know that I'm an all or nothing kinda guy. If I get passionate about something, I devote everything to it. But if I feel, even a little, that the effort I'm putting into something is wasted, I'll back off quickly and reassess the situation. Right now, I'm at one of those points.
To be honest, there was gonna be a lot more, but I can barely see straight right now. I'm about to faceplant on my laptop and fall asleep. And goddammit Spotify... that was the wrong song to play at this moment. More later. Good night...
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Ghost in the Machine
"I'm not calling for a second chance,"
"I'm screaming at the top of my voice"
"Give me reason, but don't give me choice"
"Because I'll just make the same mistake again."
Yesterday's post didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to. That's why it's not here anymore. I was a bit more judgemental than I had intended to be. My opinions are always pretty intense, and usually when I get to the point where I start writing things down, the emotion behind what I'm writing has reached a critical point and I have to vent somehow. So, for this, I apologize to any that I offended.
Lately, I've been accused of a lot of things I've had many things suggested to me that I 'need' to do. Everyone in this world knows what is best for everyone but themselves. Yesterday, I demonstrated that by running my mouth about my beliefs and not giving a thought to anyone else. That was part of the Old Matt coming out where the only thing that is important is me. I had gotten over that for a while because I had found someone that made me feel like something in this world was worth living for (my son excluded, because he will always be numero uno). I got carried away, swept up in a tumultuous tempest of torrid torment. It had been a while since I felt "human emotion". I'd been living for myself so long that I forgot what human companionship felt like.
So, apologies and excuses out of the way, now I have to set forth on the path to right the wrongs that I have wrought. I have no idea how to do that considering that I am not allowed to have contact with the one that I have wronged. Any attempt to do so would make me feel like the creepy old stalker that I've been accused of being. So, I'm torn. Do I try to right the wrongs? Do I just stay away? Do I vanish into the shadows and hope that any trace of my existence is forgotten? This is where I'm truly lost.
You saw something in me that I can't see. I look in the mirror and hate what I see looking back at me. I live each day and wonder how people can stand to be around me. You honestly made me a better person, or at least feel like one for a while.
To you, I am truly sorry beyond all words. And while words are all I can offer, I know they can never, ever be enough. I know that what you are going through and what I have possibly made worse are hard enough to handle without outside forces trying to break you down further. I am sorry, and if I have the right to ask of you, tell me what you want me to do.
Finally, if you've made it this far (I don't know how I have), as is typical of this time of year, my photography will hit a standstill. The weather, temperature and holiday plans prevent plans from becoming reality. It's bad enough that the few people that had offered help don't even want to remain in contact, which is why I've chosen to let them go on their own ways. So now the cameras are packed away until such time as an opportunity presents itself (usually by slapping me in the face).
"I'm screaming at the top of my voice"
"Give me reason, but don't give me choice"
"Because I'll just make the same mistake again."
Yesterday's post didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to. That's why it's not here anymore. I was a bit more judgemental than I had intended to be. My opinions are always pretty intense, and usually when I get to the point where I start writing things down, the emotion behind what I'm writing has reached a critical point and I have to vent somehow. So, for this, I apologize to any that I offended.
Lately, I've been accused of a lot of things I've had many things suggested to me that I 'need' to do. Everyone in this world knows what is best for everyone but themselves. Yesterday, I demonstrated that by running my mouth about my beliefs and not giving a thought to anyone else. That was part of the Old Matt coming out where the only thing that is important is me. I had gotten over that for a while because I had found someone that made me feel like something in this world was worth living for (my son excluded, because he will always be numero uno). I got carried away, swept up in a tumultuous tempest of torrid torment. It had been a while since I felt "human emotion". I'd been living for myself so long that I forgot what human companionship felt like.
So, apologies and excuses out of the way, now I have to set forth on the path to right the wrongs that I have wrought. I have no idea how to do that considering that I am not allowed to have contact with the one that I have wronged. Any attempt to do so would make me feel like the creepy old stalker that I've been accused of being. So, I'm torn. Do I try to right the wrongs? Do I just stay away? Do I vanish into the shadows and hope that any trace of my existence is forgotten? This is where I'm truly lost.
You saw something in me that I can't see. I look in the mirror and hate what I see looking back at me. I live each day and wonder how people can stand to be around me. You honestly made me a better person, or at least feel like one for a while.
To you, I am truly sorry beyond all words. And while words are all I can offer, I know they can never, ever be enough. I know that what you are going through and what I have possibly made worse are hard enough to handle without outside forces trying to break you down further. I am sorry, and if I have the right to ask of you, tell me what you want me to do.
Finally, if you've made it this far (I don't know how I have), as is typical of this time of year, my photography will hit a standstill. The weather, temperature and holiday plans prevent plans from becoming reality. It's bad enough that the few people that had offered help don't even want to remain in contact, which is why I've chosen to let them go on their own ways. So now the cameras are packed away until such time as an opportunity presents itself (usually by slapping me in the face).
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