Someone recently said that they don't trust easily. I can understand that. I have very little trust left in me these days. I'm bitter and cynical, I know, but I have my reasons. Of course, when this person made this statement, it made me realize something important about myself. I don't want to be trusted. To be trusted sets up expectations. When there are expectations, people can be let down.
On the flip side, I have a constant need to be needed or accepted. So I do whatever I can to fit in. It probably comes from the lack of a social life I had in school. I was never a popular kid. I've always been skinny, gangly, unattractive, and thus I've never really been popular with the girls. I don't have many male friends because I don't think like a typical male. I'm more emotional and tend to be more open minded, so I identify more with a female mindset. So, I usually have more female "friends". Of course, that's all they are and all they'll ever be. Not many girls want a goofy looking bastard like me hanging around.
Even throughout my marriage of two years, I was a constant source of ridicule from the friends of my wife. One particular comment I recall was one where we had posted a photo of her standing in front of me and I had my arms around her waist. The comment said, "wtf is that thing growing out of your back?" And I realized I was THAT guy. The goofy looking bastard that just happened to be lucky enough to land a cute girl, and everyone hated me for it or was confused by it.
So after that relationship ended, I made a vow to myself to never get into another relationship again. I would never be the "reacher" in the relationship and I would never allow anyone to "settle" for me. So here it is, 7 years later, and I'm sticking with that.
On the original point of trust, I don't want people to trust me. I can't trust myself. I don't want people to think I'm a good guy, because I'm not. Everything that I do, I do for a reason. Sometimes I do things for kindness, but that is just to make someone happy or make myself feel better, but it's still for a reason. Sometimes I go out of my way to help someone, but it's just to show that I can be needed at times. So yes, everything I do is for a reason. Some reasons are more sinister than others, but always for my own benefit.
What's the point of all this? Don't trust me. Don't have faith in me. Don't think I'm a good guy. Don't think I have a heart. Don't waste time on me. And for the love of whatever you hold dear, don't fall for me. That will be a fall that will disappoint and destroy you.
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