Because I'm that awesome.

I only used that title because it was the last phrase to come out of my mouth before I started typing.  Honestly, I'm only here because I can't vent my true feelings on Facebook.  Honestly, I can't vent my true feelings anywhere but here.  This is the only place no one reads.  So, my thoughts are safe here.

Truth is, my depression is getting worse.  I mean, worse and worse.  It's been almost 6 years since I've been jobless.  I hate not being employed.  The fact that I'm "suspended, pending investigation" isn't a termination, so I can't draw unemployment while I wait.  It's a limbo where they're trying to force me to quit so they can be clear of any wrong doings.  I won't give them the satisfaction.

In other news, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months.  Guess that explains why she hasn't spoken with me in months.  Ah well.  My son is excited to have a sibling, even if it is only by half.  So, she's back in my life.  Not a bad thing, just awkward at the moment.  Gonna have fun discussing that with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

But really, I feel worthless.  I feel like no one needs me.  My son only comes to me when he wants food.  Even when I try to spend time with him, he'd rather play on his computer and iPad.  My parents are anti-social as hell and barely even talk to each other.  I tried to have a joking conversation today and my step-dad basically tried to start an argument.  I had to walk away, letting my meal get cold, and wait for them to finish eating before I ate my food.  I know the lack of a job has put a great burden on the home, but fuck.  Maybe I should just off myself before Domino's has the chance to fire me so my son can get the life insurance.

You don't need a title.

Yesterday was acceptance.  Today the depression set in.  Like, I'm really unemployed.  I have no job.  No means to support myself or my son, over some trivial bullshit.  And now, I have to make a new start because some petty bitch who got caught committing a federal offense decided to throw anyone she could under the bus.  Karma is a bitch you fucking whore.  I hope you get everything you god damn well deserve.  You didn't just screw me, but my son and all the others affected by your petty behavior.

I haven't done a lot of blog entries since I stopped having feels.  Back since the last time I let myself fall for someone.  Not much has changed aside from employment.  Well, I did discover that my ex is alive and doing better.  That's a relief to me.  My son is a genius.  Beyond that, I have to find a new job.

Articulation isn't my strong point right now.  Perhaps tomorrow, after I've had some sleep.

Long time, still not dead.

So, it's been a while again.  Inconsistency is my consistency.  I'm going to try to correct that.  Apparently journal keeping is a method of therapy that I was told to try in order to manage my anger and depression and such.   So, here I go again on my own.   Going down the only road I've ever known.   Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...  Okay, enough of that.

So, where do I start?  Let's start off with personal and work our way down.

So, I have no personal life.  Outside of work,  I just have my home life, which includes my son and video games.  I have no relationships, which I miss.  Strange to admit that after all these years, but I'm tired of being alone.   When I go out and do my photography, I see all these couples, and the girls want their pictures taken and they drag their guys into the shots and I get jealous because I'm probably never gonna have that again.   Being single is great for free time, but horrible for those lonely nights when you just want someone to talk to or watch a movie with or cuddle up next to.  Of course, being a single dad makes having a relationship difficult.  It's hard to get time alone as it is. I love my son.  He's the most important thing to me, but sometimes, I just want more.

My photography hit a spike this year.  People started recognizing me and I've gotten a lot better at composition and angles, I think.  People are liking my photos and I think I'm starting to get where I need to be, or rather, want to be.  However, as with every winter, photography hits a standstill.  So, right now, I'm in a dry spell.  I'm hoping some events will turn up soon.  

I'll probably have more later.  Since I'm at work right now, I can't really focus my thoughts as well as I'd like.  So, until then...

It happened again.

Same girl.  Different place.  Different night.  Different hair color?

So, yeah.  I don't know what's going on in this head of mine lately, but I keep having dreams about wanting to be in a relationship.  I don't know if I like this or not.  I mean, yeah, I'm 36 and a single dad.  A little companionship wouldn't hurt, but I barely have time for myself or my son.  Y U NO UNDERSTAND, BRAIN?!

There's nothing else to report right now.  Going back to enjoy my frivolous purchases.  Peace!

Soooo.... yeah.

Two months since my last entry.  I'm slacking, I know.  It's not that there hasn't been anything to write about, it's just that I didn't feel a need considering that almost no one will read this.  But I had one of those nights that compelled me to sit at this PC and beat my keyboard until words came out.

I suppose it began after playing League of Legends until 2am.  About that time, I was about to go "neochi", or fall asleep while playing.  So, I crawled into bed and passed out.  It was a rough night's sleep.  They have been lately.  But this one wasn't because I kept tossing and turning.  It was the dreams that seemed to last the entire time I was out.

DREAM LOG BEGINS:

It began in a shopping center of sorts.  I went there with a girl that I know, and I'm supposing it was in the hopes of getting closer to her.  Well, we were there, having fun, and then a friend of hers, a male, showed up with a female friend of his.  So, then it became this strange group outing.  During the event, we went our own ways, so I followed the girl that I arrived with, but she said, "I'm waiting for him.  He won't come if you're here.  Stop following me."  So, I turned and left.

After that, the dream turned into one of those bizarre "nightmares" where I was at a place of former employment and I was working there again and everything was just going all kinds of wrong.  I can't even begin to explain how creepy that was.  I don't wanna be in that place ever again.

DREAM LOG ENDS:

So, my personal life is on vacation.  I'm pretty much absorbed in work.  I just don't have anything to do outside of work these days.  I had hoped to get some photography stuff going this year, but with the combination of hot weather and work schedules and lack of photographic subjects, it may not happen.  I'm still trying though.  I have inspirations and goals to meet, so I'm not giving in.

On that note, time to get some enjoyment in before work.  I'll try to not be so slack in updates.

It's been (another) while.

It's been some time since my last post.  At least, I think it has.  I'm honestly not paying attention these days.  It seems like so little matters these days.  That may sound depressing, but it's more like a statement of focus to what's most important.

Life hasn't changed much.  I work my ass off.  I'm a single dad.  My photography has died off due to lack of models and good weather.  It's been rather dull.  I won't lie.  There have been days where I've wished I had more to occupy my time, but in reality, I have more to do than I have time to do it in.  Honestly, I don't even know what I'm yammering about.

I drank a bit tonight.  First time in a while.  I'm trying to cut back, but a co-worker treated me, so yeah.  I've been meaning to post a new blog for a while, but honestly, who even reads these?  This is just like talking to a mirror because there's no one else to listen.  My ex has vanished.  I have no one to read these aside from the random family member that might run across it.  So, yeah...

Anyway, I'll end this now...

So there I was...

...and I swear man, the hooker gave the money back!

But anyway, I just got off work, and have to be back in 7 hours.  Tax season has come and gone.  I've handled everything I need to handle, and now it's time to get back to life as normal.  This means getting back on my photography game.  This year, I'm really gonna try and push myself further.  That means finding new models, new locations, new techniques.  I'm hoping I make some progress this year.

Somewhat related to that note, I made a mistake last year.  A mistake I'm still paying for.  I left myself open to emotion and got caught up in a web of trouble.  Granted, things are better now, even though I lost a friend in the process.  It's better off for her, I suppose, but I need to be more on guard.  I can't go falling for every female that talks to me.  Attachment comes easy to someone that's easily rejected by most females.

But yeah.  Moving ahead, I'll TRY to be more professional and less emotional.  That'll be easier looking back and realizing the trouble I went through the last time and not wanting to go through it again.  Even now, if that girl were to come back into my life, I'd probably treat her like someone I just met and start over.  "People change, memories don't".  Memories behind me, the future ahead.  That's all I can focus on.

Barkeep, another Mekong please.

So, I know I talk a lot of talk.  I know I say a lot of things.  A lot of the time, I mean what I say, because I have no one to impress.  The rest of the time, I'm lying for exactly the same reason.  I have no one to impress.

I pretend not to care what people think about me, but I do.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I suppose that's why I've been having such a hard time these past few months.  I'm about back to where I was before the situation started, but not quite.  I'm more back to the self-destructive ways of about 4 years ago.  I guess everyone deals in their own ways.

I'm tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  I thought for a long time that I didn't need or want a relationship.  Now, I look back at the last 7 years and wonder if I should have scrapped that attitude and tried.  I keep dreaming about having someone to hug and cuddle and all that sappy stuff.  When I wake up, I'm alone, and it's starting to bother me.

I suppose that I've convinced myself that I'll be alone because no one will ever wanna be with a guy like me.  But that's not just it.  I've got such ridiculous standards for what I'd like in a partner that I'm just fighting an uphill battle.  I don't even know why I'm venting this.  It's not like anyone will read it until after I'm dead and someone goes looking for a reason that it happened.

My brain has lost its mind.

Spiders.  Kittens.  Ex-wives.  Keyboards of the musical variety.  Family members seldom spoken to.  Cameras.  Nudity.  All of these were present in last night's crazy torrent of dreams.

I often dream of spiders.  I suppose it's because it was one of the few things that I was good at photographing.  They didn't move much.   They didn't judge, and I always knew where they'd be.  So, I often see them in my sleep, though the ones in my dreams are often far larger and far more grotesque than those I'd ever see in reality.  Spiders so large that they resemble crabs and actually leave skeletons upon death.

A couple of nights running now, I've dreamt of kittens.  In particular, two nights ago, I dreamt that I saved this small brownish black kitten from drowning.  I reached down to grab him and he, or she, dug claws into my hand to hold on for dear life.  I brought the kitten home, only to be told that I was not allowed to have pets at my house.  Last night, I dreamt I walked out into the backyard, and the kitten came crawling from beneath a pile of branches.  The poor thing looked horrible.  Fur gone in patches.  Bloody pawprints left as it walked through my yard.  I felt so horrible and wanted to do something for it.

I often dream of my ex-wife.  Not surprising, I suppose.  They vary from hateful dreams to loving dreams.  I don't suppose I'll ever be rid of those dreams, no matter what.

For some reason, I had a dream that my step-cousin fixed an old musical keyboard that I no longer have.  It was given to the ex-wife a long time ago.  I suppose there's relevance there.  I dunno.

It's 9:04am.  I'm already pretty messed up.  Today should be interesting.

First Post of 2014

Welcome to 2014 my dear fans.  Okay, maybe not fans.  Poor unfortunate souls?  No, we won't break into that Little Mermaid song.  Ponies breaking into song at the drop of a hat?  Who does that?  

So, yeah.  I've been quiet for a little while now.  Mainly because I kept this blog going for one person.  When that person was no longer a part of my life, I drifted away from it.  I felt there was no point in recording thoughts for no one to read besides myself.  But, it's therapeutic, and I felt that it was time to ramble on about random stuff just to get it out of my cranium.  Fair warning, however.  This post may be a little media heavy.  Pictures, videos, such like that.  I said MAY be.  I might get lazy halfway through and just give up.  I've been known to do that.  

Anyway, this idea started this morning when I watched a parody video of a Maroon 5 song.  Side note:  Adam Levine is yummy.

So, the video is a parody of the Maroon 5 song, One More Night.  The parody is called One More Fight and is about a bunch of gamers who choose to play games rather than go to bed with their significant others.  Well, after watching the video, I can say that all those guys are fucking stupid.  Those girls were hawt.  But one stood out and blew me away.  I had to go and look up who she was, because if you're in a YouTube video these days, you've got some sort of fame somewhere.  I was right.

Her name is Britanni Johnson.  Not a huge celebrity, but she played the role of Angel in the Borderlands games.  I feel the urge to finally finish Borderlands 2 now.  But yeah.  I thought she was damn gorgeous.  The other girls weren't bad, but still.  Mee-yow.  She actually reminds me of a friend of mind.  Or nemesis.  We can't decide.

Aside from that eye candy, I've gotten much better as far as 'depression' goes.  I've gotten over false love and hope.  I've picked up my camera again and I've started looking forward to taking pictures again.  I've had an invitation to be a wedding photographer as well as some casual photography.  So, we'll see how this year goes.  After the horrible year that was 2013, I hope everything goes super this year.

In other news, I've gained 15 pounds since my last post.  Finally, I'm moving up towards where I should be.  Health is fine.  I'm not as crazy.  The alcohol has helped.  Or hindered.  I dunno.  It's fun.  I love not feeling like the me I used to be, which is to say a morbidly depressed horny old guy with a camera.

We shall end this post with the video that sparked it to begin with.

16 Days

16 Days left in this dreadful year.  I'll be happy when it's gone and I'll take everything from this year and put it behind me.  I'm gonna pretend like this year never happened.  Next year, I'll start over fresh and hopefully things will go different.

Last post I mentioned that my drinking wasn't because of any one reason and that I have an easily addictive personality.  More and more, it's becoming true.  Or, rather, it's getting worse.  I'm drinking every day now.  Alone, obviously.  Money I could be spending elsewhere is going towards alcohol.  If I'm out, then it's a priority to get more.  I have a problem, and I need to deal with it.  I need to take a stance and call it quits.  Drop the bottles and be done, just like with relationships and friendships.

More and more lately, I've been feeling the anger building.  I know part of it has to do with the alcohol.  In combination with the antidepressants, it has the tendency to cause that reaction.  However, there are other factors at work and I'm losing my cool more often.  I lost my temper at work the other night and nearly made an employee quit.  I shut one guy up just by looking at him because I was that pissed.  I could feel my face burning and my mouth was far too slow to keep up with the torrent of hate that was flowing from my brain.

I'm not proud of myself, and I don't like what I've become over these last months.  But as I said, 16 more days and I'm done with this year and everything that came with it.

The Story Ain't Over...

Not by a long shot.

I know I haven't posted in a while.  At least, not by recent standards.  I realized that I posted more entries in the month of November alone than I did all of last year.  I guess I've had a lot built up over time.  Now I'm running out of things to say.  With this year drawing to a close, I figure it's time to start thinking about what needs to change in the coming year.

First off, I want to state that my drinking recently is not BECAUSE of any one person.  It's not because someone BROKE me.  It is the fault of no one but myself.  I have an addictive personality, and when I find something I like, I tend to go all out.  Since I rediscovered that I could drink, that part of me has come back in full force.  I used to drink all the time, by myself, with friends, social or not, it didn't matter.  By definition, that's an alcoholic.  So why do I do it?  Because it makes me feel like not me.  And not me is who I wanted to be when I began drinking.  Yes, I hit a rough patch for a while and it started me on this train, but I could have chosen to get off at any point, but I keep going.  Now, I need to find a reason to stop.  That's where the problem lies.  It's not WHY do I drink, but WHY SHOULDN'T I drink?

Also, we're drawing up on Christmas, which has become a rather lonely time in my family.  It's just my immediate household now.  Mom, Dad, me and my son.  Sisters are far away.  No other family to care about nearby.  No friends.  I always get nostalgic around this time of year.  The music, the smell of burning wood in the cold winter air, the clear night sky... It all reminds me of my youth and the Christmas holidays that I spent at different family events.  It's kinda sad to know that my son will likely never have that.  We have each other, and that's probably how it'll stay for a few more years, until he finds a girlfriend.

I know this is a short post, but the hour draws late, and the alcohol runs low.  Also, I'm old and lazy.  So, I end this here.

I forgot to put a title, so here it is.

I just got home from a hellish day at work.  Nothing too stressful, but annoying and long.  Days like that give me too much time to think, and as things are at Dramano's, people can't shut up about stuff that isn't their business.  So they always have to pry into everyone else's private lives.  Well, the joke is on them.  My life ain't so private. I'll talk about whatever in a heartbeat and don't give a damn about hiding anything.  That, and I have nothing going on.

So, I made this Facebook post the other day about how people at work questioned how it is that I've gone 7 years without companionship.  While my friend Chad did bring up the point that I have my son, a constant companion and my best little buddy, I should clarify that the person was likely referring to adult companionship.

Now, I may be weird in saying this, and anyone that knows me knows how my mind works, but I have no interest in sex. It may make me seem strange to some people, but if it happens, it happens.  I'm more interested in the hugs, the cuddles, kisses whenever we see each other, watching movies together, and things like that.  What it seems is that I want a really close friend of the female persuasion, but the DFO has determined that I do not need one of those. I'll admit, I enjoyed having someone to talk to for the few weeks that I did, but I spent 7 years being single and celibate.  I can do it again.

I will admit, I'm falling back into bad habits to get this done.  Up until about a month or so ago, I hadn't had alcohol in 4 years.  Now if I'm not at work, I'm almost constantly drinking.  I know I've heard people say that they do drugs or drink because they don't want to feel like themselves, and I can totally understand that.  I mean, there's not much to me to begin with.  I play video games, I watch anime, I watch TV shows, I watch movies, I play with my son, I work for a pizza place.  That's about it.  I have nothing else going on.  Photography was great, but I think I ruined that, despite all the good things that came from it.

I dunno.  Sometimes I feel like I have more to say that I really do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to one specific person, and sometimes I feel like the whole world is listening.  And then there's the times where I feel like I'm just typing this out for the future me to read later on and go, "What the fuck was wrong with you?"

The Cure - "Love Song"

Too Much

This is an excerpt from one of my poetic journals called Spiral Staircase.  Not really a poem, just something I jotted down while I thought I was being artistic.  I now type it out as I've had a shitload to drink and I think I'm on the border of drunk and being sick.

"Alone, standing in the void,"
"The only light shining from high above,"
"He takes his first step."
"The spiral staircase twirls."
"The path is clear and seems unending."
"The step holds firm."
"With a sigh of relief, the next step."
"Voices cry out, his head spins,"
"And again, the step holds."
"With confidence, he strides,"
"Treading the spiral of glass."
CRACK!
"A step fractures, his face clouds."
"Worried, he steps forward."
CRACK!
"With each step, another crack."
CRASH!
"His foot falls through the glass."
Pain surges as the glass tears through his skin."
"Slowly, he pulls his foot out,"
"and carefully steps forward."
CRASH!
"The other foot crashes through the glass."
"He cries out for help"
"as he pulls his wounded foot out."
"Careful to be gentle with each bloody step,"
"he waits to see what the glass will do."
"No sound."
"He continues on, blood trailing on the fractured glass."
"Suddenly, his legs give out and he falls,"
"breaking through the glass."
"His body is sliced and cut."
"One hand, barely, grasps the sharp edges."
"Cutting. tearing, hurting, "
"He wants to scream,"
"he wants to let go, but, "
"he pulls himself up, struggling for the top.
"Battered, broken, bleeding and bruised,"
"the young heart reaches the top of the spiral."
"The light, so warm..."
"He steps forward, into the light, the staircase shatters around him."
"His eyes awaken from the dream.."
"He rolls over to look at her, his light at the top of the stairs..."
It was worth it.


I don't really know where this was going when I wrote it, or why I'm posting it now.  I just know that I'm feeling strange and I needed to do something.

Intermission

The last post was a 'poem' that I had written years ago.  It was written long before my marriage, long before my current situation, and will probably hold relevance long after this has passed.  I was going through my old book of poetry that I put together over the course of 6 years.  I just picked that one out to start with.

Right now, I've had a lot to drink.  More than I've had in 5 years.  Typing is hard to do, but isn't everything?  So, I'm typing out my thoughts in an attempt to remember what's going through my head right now, so when I wake up tomorrow or some time in the future, I'll look at this and say, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

But yeah.  Things have gotten physically better in the past few months.  My stomach isn't rebelling against me as much as it used to.  My medication is working fine.  I've got more energy than I used to have.  However, on the mental side, I'm drained.  I'm emotionally fucked, mentally drained, and overall a clusterfuck of feels.  I'm tired all the time, unless I'm actively engaged in some sort of project like work or hobby.  If I'm not at work or out on the town, I'm lying in bed, asleep or watching Netflix.

I made the mistake of feeling again, which I've stated over many recent blogs.  But I feel it's time to put that behind me.  I've told her so.  It's best for both of us, and I can tell she's already put it behind her.  That's good.  Granted, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness, but it's for the best.  I won't put myself in that situation again.  Photography is done, so I won't be getting involved with models again.  I'm going back to the old ways of me, my son and my job.

Anuptaphobia

An excerpt from my collection of poetry and musings:

Why now?

After all this time, why now?

I've been alone for so long,

outcast for so long.

Why does loneliness bother me now?

I've been in love before,

and she loved me too.

We called each other our soulmates,

soulmates destined to be together.

Now, years later, we barely talk anymore.

We were in love.

I know the things I'm missing.

The touch, the caress, the kiss.

It hurts to think about what I had,

the chance I may never have it again.

Better to have loved and lost

than to have never loved at all?

To love is grand, to be in love is divine?

So to have love and lose it

is better than never knowing what you're missing?

No one wants to be alone.

No one wants to be left behind.

Everyone wants happiness in their lives.

But what can't always have what we want,

can we?

Apotheosis

I haven't been writing much lately.  There have been a few reasons why, but they mainly center around repetition.  There are only so many ways that one can write about how lonely he is or how unfair the world is or how much in love with someone he is or all of that.  So, I've held back on those.  I also don't have any anger issues to let fly, so I can't spew venomous bile across the landscape.  So what else is there?  Humorous quips to make my audience chuckle?  Well, that might work if I had an audience.  Well, an audience of more than two or three.  One at the least.

In any case, I felt I had to write this one.  I've been watching this show, and it's a love drama type deal.  I know, I know.  Not the best viewing material for someone in my state of mind.  Still, I enjoy watching these things because I can't experience them in reality, and I try to imagine how I would react if I were in those situations.  Would I do better or worse?  I'll never know, and never knowing is part of what this show is about.

The main male protagonist is a first year in college, and an amnesiac.  He had an accident and remembers nothing before he was 18 years old.  He left home to go to college in another city to get away from friends and family because he felt he was surrounded by strangers and in a 'prison' of sorts.  So to start life new, he enters college far from home and starts to make new friends and start a new life as a new man.  8 episodes in and I feel for the guy.  I know drama well.  We used to drink nightly, and might still in the future.  But anyway, I'm an emotional guy.  I get teary eyed sometimes, and what this guy is dealing with made me think that if I were in his situation, I couldn't take it.

But that's the point of this entry.  I feel like I'm that guy.  Not an amnesiac, but little by little, things are disappearing from my life.  I know that's how life goes.  People die, or move on, or drift apart.  I get that.  But over the last year, it seems like so much has just vanished.  Even new people and experiences... just gone.  So it makes me wonder how long it will be before I have to start over.

At one point in the show, he tells this girl that he loves her.  He knows it's kind of a lost cause, because she's been fixated on the same guy since they were kids, even if that guy doesn't feel the same way about her.  Still, main guy tells her he loves her, and she shoots him down, and still wants to remain the best of friends with him.  Eventually, he tells her he can't be friends with her anymore because it hurts too much to see her acting friendly when she's just thinking of that other guy.

Again, I've felt like this guy.  Growing up, I had a couple of guy friends, but way more female friends.  Guys didn't really like me because I talked to girls in a respectable way, and the girls would talk back.  I was never a romantic option due to my less than attractive nature, but it made other guys mad that the girls would talk to me about certain things and not them.  Once or twice, when a girl couldn't have the guy she wanted, she would come to me and try to mess around.  I'd have to turn her away, because as I've said, I'm an all or nothing guy.  I'm no one's fall-back crush.  No one's second choice.  I've felt that way all my life.  Never number one, but just good enough to be considered.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that things may have to change soon.  Perhaps when I find the right social environment and start meeting new people, I can come to terms with what I am and my role in the grand scheme of things.  Mostly, it will probably involve me just getting drunk and going home without accomplishing anything.  But I'm done sitting around and waiting.  I've met too many nice girls over the years and let my chances slip by while worse guys ended up destroying those girls' lives.  Of course, I'm no better.  I have nothing to offer a girl as far as the materialistic side of things goes.  But if intentions and effort were worth something, I'd be worth something.

Here I go again

As an addition to the earlier post, things have changed a little.  Some of the situations are worse than I expected.  To be honest, though they aren't my fault, I'm at one of those points where I feel like it would be better if I weren't here.  If I just disappeared for a while, all of this would pass.  I dunno.  I feel like just staying away from everyone.  Work and home.  That'll be me for a while, unless the DFO (Divine Fluffy One) decides to drastically change things.

On the completely opposite end of the spectrum, my Facebook is open once again.  However, everything prior to this is gone.  I will not send friend requests.  I will not ask to be where I'm not wanted.  If someone wants to be friends with me, they will find me.

Post Black Friday Post

Black Friday wasn't what I expected.  It wasn't in the insanity I had assumed it would be.  That insanity came later.  Near the end of the day, I started to not feel very well.  I grabbed the bottle of Dr Pepper/Malibu and poured it down the sink and trashed the remains.  I went home and dealt with the horrible feeling, which was only bad heartburn.  Still, hard to breath or get comfortable, and it brought back feelings of when this was an everyday thing because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

So, I get home and crawl into bed.  I forego any leftover T-day dinner.  I stayed in that bed until about an hour ago.  The most movement was getting comfortable and texting a few people.  One to sell off some of my camera equipment and announce my retirement from photography.  One to wish well because her boyfriend nearly tore his eye out.  And the other, well...  She knows.

I've started to wonder exactly what it is that I am.  I'm confused.  I don't know what people expect from me.  Each person has different expectations, I understand, and there are only certain people's expectations that I care about.  It is those that concern me the most.  What am I?  Am I a friend?  Am I something more?  Am I just someone you call when you need something?  Am I amusement when you get bored?  I don't know.  I hate not knowing.  My cat-like nature and curiosity will not rest until the mystery is solved or I get bored.

I was told to stop trying to figure it out, which leads me to believe that I'm not meant to know where I stand.  So, if that be the case, it reminds me of a time long ago when someone referred to me as their 'fallback crush'.  Someone that was there for romance or entertainment when the person they really wanted wasn't available.  That pissed me off, because I'm not a second choice.  I'm an all or nothing guy.  When I choose something, I'm either all in or I don't care at all.  I'm like that with my job, my hobbies, and people.  Right now, my job is still all in, because I need money.  My hobby is all out due to discouragement and lack of motivation.  Different people have different levels, but a couple in particular have me in a state of flux.  I can't stand being like this.

Short Note

Pre-bed post-alcohol contemplation.

Should I restart Facebook from scratch?  Only add people I care about?  Try to keep it limited to drama free content and stuff?  I dunno.  Myabe I've just had too much today.  I'll consider it again tomorrow after Black Friday work.