So there I was...

...and I swear man, the hooker gave the money back!

But anyway, I just got off work, and have to be back in 7 hours.  Tax season has come and gone.  I've handled everything I need to handle, and now it's time to get back to life as normal.  This means getting back on my photography game.  This year, I'm really gonna try and push myself further.  That means finding new models, new locations, new techniques.  I'm hoping I make some progress this year.

Somewhat related to that note, I made a mistake last year.  A mistake I'm still paying for.  I left myself open to emotion and got caught up in a web of trouble.  Granted, things are better now, even though I lost a friend in the process.  It's better off for her, I suppose, but I need to be more on guard.  I can't go falling for every female that talks to me.  Attachment comes easy to someone that's easily rejected by most females.

But yeah.  Moving ahead, I'll TRY to be more professional and less emotional.  That'll be easier looking back and realizing the trouble I went through the last time and not wanting to go through it again.  Even now, if that girl were to come back into my life, I'd probably treat her like someone I just met and start over.  "People change, memories don't".  Memories behind me, the future ahead.  That's all I can focus on.

Barkeep, another Mekong please.

So, I know I talk a lot of talk.  I know I say a lot of things.  A lot of the time, I mean what I say, because I have no one to impress.  The rest of the time, I'm lying for exactly the same reason.  I have no one to impress.

I pretend not to care what people think about me, but I do.  I want to be accepted.  I want to be liked.  I suppose that's why I've been having such a hard time these past few months.  I'm about back to where I was before the situation started, but not quite.  I'm more back to the self-destructive ways of about 4 years ago.  I guess everyone deals in their own ways.

I'm tired of being alone.  Plain and simple.  I thought for a long time that I didn't need or want a relationship.  Now, I look back at the last 7 years and wonder if I should have scrapped that attitude and tried.  I keep dreaming about having someone to hug and cuddle and all that sappy stuff.  When I wake up, I'm alone, and it's starting to bother me.

I suppose that I've convinced myself that I'll be alone because no one will ever wanna be with a guy like me.  But that's not just it.  I've got such ridiculous standards for what I'd like in a partner that I'm just fighting an uphill battle.  I don't even know why I'm venting this.  It's not like anyone will read it until after I'm dead and someone goes looking for a reason that it happened.