So, this is an odd occurrence. I made a post last night, and here I am again. Different reasons, and yet, the same. Apparently, the issues that I mentioned last night are affecting me more than I thought. Last night's dreams were rather upsetting. So, let us dive into that.
The majority that I remember involves my former wife, ex-wife (or however you wanna say it), and I relaxing on the bed, watching movies and having a good time. We were just having fun, enjoying each other's company, and that was all we needed. Beyond that, I don't recall much of this particular dream. It was a great feeling, and I realized when I woke up how much I missed that. I guess I lie to myself on a daily basis by saying I don't want a relationship, but I honestly don't think I could handle one. And I guess that makes it more sad.
The second dream involved me wandering the streets of a familiar neighborhood, trying to get somewhere, but being unable to. Each path was blocked by deep water. I couldn't get across or around. Eventually, I ended up falling in and drowning. That's where I woke up. No clue what that one was supposed to signify. Dreams are weird things.
But this is a short post. One, I'm posting this from my iPad, and it's not really fun to type on this. Two, I'm at work, so I have to pretend like I care. Three, not much has happened since the post from last night. If that changes, I'm sure another post will be made.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I have subscriptions.
I have a problem. Well, I suppose that's an understatement. I have multiple problems, but I'm only here to address a few of those. This may change as I go along with this post. It all depends on how I feel at any given moment.
First off, the past few days have had me in a mood that absolutely despise being in. Despite KNOWING that I'm in a bad mood, despite KNOWING that I don't want to be in said mood, despite KNOWING that I'm being a dick, I can't stop. I don't know if it's because deep down I WANT to be an asshole, or it's just built up frustration, or maybe I'm just lashing out at the world because something else pissed me off. I'm not sure. This leads me into my first problem.
I'm an asshole. I know this. I don't try to hide it. I don't try to play nice. If I'm in a bad mood, you're damn sure gonna know about it. If I'm annoyed/angry/agitated with you, believe me, you'll be able to tell. The funny thing is, THAT'S not the problem. The problem is that I desire acceptance from everyone, but I don't really WANT acceptance. I want to feel needed, appreciated, but I don't want to be close enough to anyone to let that happen. I've got the hedgehog's dilemma:
"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid."
I've been burned before. I've been screwed over. I don't want friends because they only use you for a while until they can screw you over and then they just cut contact and go off to laugh about what a dumbass you were. So, despite wanting to be wanted, needed, I don't want anyone around me. That's another reason my Facebook friend list is less than 20. I honestly can't stand the majority of people, and definitely don't understand how they can stand me.
Continuing on with that, I have an intense desire to be social, but only with a select few people. When I'm in contact with said people, my mood is generally brighter. Like any drug, the longer you're off it, the worse the effects are until you just don't care anymore. Still, the withdrawals are a bitch, and I usually am as well.
Moving on from that point, we broach the topic of attachments. I form the weirdest attachments sometimes. Have you ever read a book or played a game and just fallen in love with a character? Like, to the point where you were sad when the whole experience was over because you would never have adventures or what have you with that character again? Probably not, but I do that from time to time. Currently, I have an unhealthy attachment to ...
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy by ~michaellam on deviantART
I did a massive binge on Mass Effect, starting with the first game and burning all the way through to the third. The adventure was amazing. The ending... well, leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Still, playing through, I can't imaging my character romancing anyone but dear Tali'Zorah. Honestly, the choices are no-brainers. In Mass Effect 1, you had Ashley Williams or Liara T'Soni. Ashley looked horrible, and Liara's entire race is... extra equipped. That's not my bag. So, I skip the relations in that game and start courting Tali in the second game. There, you have genetically enhanced porn star Miranda, psychotic bitch Jack, or minor characters of no importance aside from being turned into human puree at some point. So Tali is my choice there. Then the third game comes along and offers a fuckton of options, but it's still Tali all the way. I ramble. I apologize. I caught her cheating on me...
Regardless. Going back to the beginning of this, I've been in a foul mood lately. I know what some of the reasons are, but I won't do anything about them. So, whatever. I close with a song.
First off, the past few days have had me in a mood that absolutely despise being in. Despite KNOWING that I'm in a bad mood, despite KNOWING that I don't want to be in said mood, despite KNOWING that I'm being a dick, I can't stop. I don't know if it's because deep down I WANT to be an asshole, or it's just built up frustration, or maybe I'm just lashing out at the world because something else pissed me off. I'm not sure. This leads me into my first problem.
I'm an asshole. I know this. I don't try to hide it. I don't try to play nice. If I'm in a bad mood, you're damn sure gonna know about it. If I'm annoyed/angry/agitated with you, believe me, you'll be able to tell. The funny thing is, THAT'S not the problem. The problem is that I desire acceptance from everyone, but I don't really WANT acceptance. I want to feel needed, appreciated, but I don't want to be close enough to anyone to let that happen. I've got the hedgehog's dilemma:
"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid."
I've been burned before. I've been screwed over. I don't want friends because they only use you for a while until they can screw you over and then they just cut contact and go off to laugh about what a dumbass you were. So, despite wanting to be wanted, needed, I don't want anyone around me. That's another reason my Facebook friend list is less than 20. I honestly can't stand the majority of people, and definitely don't understand how they can stand me.
Continuing on with that, I have an intense desire to be social, but only with a select few people. When I'm in contact with said people, my mood is generally brighter. Like any drug, the longer you're off it, the worse the effects are until you just don't care anymore. Still, the withdrawals are a bitch, and I usually am as well.
Moving on from that point, we broach the topic of attachments. I form the weirdest attachments sometimes. Have you ever read a book or played a game and just fallen in love with a character? Like, to the point where you were sad when the whole experience was over because you would never have adventures or what have you with that character again? Probably not, but I do that from time to time. Currently, I have an unhealthy attachment to ...
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy by ~michaellam on deviantART
I did a massive binge on Mass Effect, starting with the first game and burning all the way through to the third. The adventure was amazing. The ending... well, leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Still, playing through, I can't imaging my character romancing anyone but dear Tali'Zorah. Honestly, the choices are no-brainers. In Mass Effect 1, you had Ashley Williams or Liara T'Soni. Ashley looked horrible, and Liara's entire race is... extra equipped. That's not my bag. So, I skip the relations in that game and start courting Tali in the second game. There, you have genetically enhanced porn star Miranda, psychotic bitch Jack, or minor characters of no importance aside from being turned into human puree at some point. So Tali is my choice there. Then the third game comes along and offers a fuckton of options, but it's still Tali all the way. I ramble. I apologize. I caught her cheating on me...
Regardless. Going back to the beginning of this, I've been in a foul mood lately. I know what some of the reasons are, but I won't do anything about them. So, whatever. I close with a song.
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