As an addition to the earlier post, things have changed a little. Some of the situations are worse than I expected. To be honest, though they aren't my fault, I'm at one of those points where I feel like it would be better if I weren't here. If I just disappeared for a while, all of this would pass. I dunno. I feel like just staying away from everyone. Work and home. That'll be me for a while, unless the DFO (Divine Fluffy One) decides to drastically change things.
On the completely opposite end of the spectrum, my Facebook is open once again. However, everything prior to this is gone. I will not send friend requests. I will not ask to be where I'm not wanted. If someone wants to be friends with me, they will find me.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Post Black Friday Post
Black Friday wasn't what I expected. It wasn't in the insanity I had assumed it would be. That insanity came later. Near the end of the day, I started to not feel very well. I grabbed the bottle of Dr Pepper/Malibu and poured it down the sink and trashed the remains. I went home and dealt with the horrible feeling, which was only bad heartburn. Still, hard to breath or get comfortable, and it brought back feelings of when this was an everyday thing because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
So, I get home and crawl into bed. I forego any leftover T-day dinner. I stayed in that bed until about an hour ago. The most movement was getting comfortable and texting a few people. One to sell off some of my camera equipment and announce my retirement from photography. One to wish well because her boyfriend nearly tore his eye out. And the other, well... She knows.
I've started to wonder exactly what it is that I am. I'm confused. I don't know what people expect from me. Each person has different expectations, I understand, and there are only certain people's expectations that I care about. It is those that concern me the most. What am I? Am I a friend? Am I something more? Am I just someone you call when you need something? Am I amusement when you get bored? I don't know. I hate not knowing. My cat-like nature and curiosity will not rest until the mystery is solved or I get bored.
I was told to stop trying to figure it out, which leads me to believe that I'm not meant to know where I stand. So, if that be the case, it reminds me of a time long ago when someone referred to me as their 'fallback crush'. Someone that was there for romance or entertainment when the person they really wanted wasn't available. That pissed me off, because I'm not a second choice. I'm an all or nothing guy. When I choose something, I'm either all in or I don't care at all. I'm like that with my job, my hobbies, and people. Right now, my job is still all in, because I need money. My hobby is all out due to discouragement and lack of motivation. Different people have different levels, but a couple in particular have me in a state of flux. I can't stand being like this.
So, I get home and crawl into bed. I forego any leftover T-day dinner. I stayed in that bed until about an hour ago. The most movement was getting comfortable and texting a few people. One to sell off some of my camera equipment and announce my retirement from photography. One to wish well because her boyfriend nearly tore his eye out. And the other, well... She knows.
I've started to wonder exactly what it is that I am. I'm confused. I don't know what people expect from me. Each person has different expectations, I understand, and there are only certain people's expectations that I care about. It is those that concern me the most. What am I? Am I a friend? Am I something more? Am I just someone you call when you need something? Am I amusement when you get bored? I don't know. I hate not knowing. My cat-like nature and curiosity will not rest until the mystery is solved or I get bored.
I was told to stop trying to figure it out, which leads me to believe that I'm not meant to know where I stand. So, if that be the case, it reminds me of a time long ago when someone referred to me as their 'fallback crush'. Someone that was there for romance or entertainment when the person they really wanted wasn't available. That pissed me off, because I'm not a second choice. I'm an all or nothing guy. When I choose something, I'm either all in or I don't care at all. I'm like that with my job, my hobbies, and people. Right now, my job is still all in, because I need money. My hobby is all out due to discouragement and lack of motivation. Different people have different levels, but a couple in particular have me in a state of flux. I can't stand being like this.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Short Note
Pre-bed post-alcohol contemplation.
Should I restart Facebook from scratch? Only add people I care about? Try to keep it limited to drama free content and stuff? I dunno. Myabe I've just had too much today. I'll consider it again tomorrow after Black Friday work.
Should I restart Facebook from scratch? Only add people I care about? Try to keep it limited to drama free content and stuff? I dunno. Myabe I've just had too much today. I'll consider it again tomorrow after Black Friday work.
Thanksgiving Thoughts
I know that Thanksgiving, by name alone, should be a time of giving thanks for what we have. I am quite thankful for the things that I have. I could be happier still if I had other things, but I shan't be greedy. There is one thing in particular I am extremely thankful for, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here to discuss those things in our lives that we are not thankful for. The things that we do our best to avoid and never talk about, and why not? Because some people don't believe in it, or it makes you seem weak and strange? Well, that's a load of bollocks.
The one thing I'm here to talk about is depression. While I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the psychiatrist also said that I showed symptoms of depression. I thought to myself, "Yeah, I came here for anxiety. Depression? I feel fine. I'm not all mopey and stuff, but whatever."
Now I realize that I don't have it as bad as some people, and depression manifests itself in different ways in different people in different situations. It's like asking someone how a medication will affect them. Different body chemistry can cause different reactions to different things. Like how some people have a lower tolerance to alcohol or other substances, depression and their respective medications affect everyone differently.
“Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye
Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor
Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week
Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement
Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying
Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed
Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore”
I found that on Tumblr the other day. It's the last part that got me. "you're not the person they're looking for, not anymore." I feel like that so much. Its why I don't keep in touch with people. It's why I don't have friends. It's why when people find me on Facebook or see me on the streets and want to 'reconnect', I just have to ignore it and walk away. I'm not that person anymore. I doubt I ever will be again. However, the medications that my doctor gave me, and we went through a list of trial and error, have helped. I've become more sociable (and that's gotten me in trouble), less inhibited (also trouble) and in general, I've become a more pleasant person. I've started to find optimism less vomit-inducing and more pleasant. I've stopped seeing this year as the year to try to kill me and more as the year that tested if I truly wanted what I thought.
Then the question became, what was it that I thought I wanted? To continue living the existence I had, or something more? Did I want to be the single father that I had been for the past 7 years with minimal social interaction and only my son and computer for company? Or did I want to become something else and grow. Did I dare hope to, as people annoyingly kept telling me, find someone? I don't know. I didn't then, and I still don't. I only know what I feel, and that alone has me worried.
"Finding someone worth waking up with is much more important than finding someone to go to sleep with."
Another quote I ran across. Lots of wisdom on Tumblr. That, and porn. Don't judge me. I used to get a lot of photographic ideas from there before I gave up on photography. But every once in a while you'll see one of those sappy little messages that just make you melt a little on the inside.
"I didn't want to fall in love, but then you smiled, and I couldn't resist." and "When two people are happy together, you leave them the fuck alone."
Some aren't as eloquent as others, but you get the idea. I've become more hopeful lately, and at the same time, that last one gets me. If two people are happy together, and your idea of happiness gets in the way of that, can you really be happy? That's where this entire post is going. My idea of depression isn't slashing my wrists or tying a rope around my neck or sitting in a dark room and listening to The Cure all night. My depression is the far more devious kind. It's the kind that I can have with a smile on my face while telling jokes, and then I go home and drink and wish things were different. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know how I felt. Hell, only two or three people in the whole world know how I really feel.
On that note, I leave you with this last quote before I resume drinking and crawling back into bed.
“When I say, ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a heck of a person.”
The one thing I'm here to talk about is depression. While I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the psychiatrist also said that I showed symptoms of depression. I thought to myself, "Yeah, I came here for anxiety. Depression? I feel fine. I'm not all mopey and stuff, but whatever."
Now I realize that I don't have it as bad as some people, and depression manifests itself in different ways in different people in different situations. It's like asking someone how a medication will affect them. Different body chemistry can cause different reactions to different things. Like how some people have a lower tolerance to alcohol or other substances, depression and their respective medications affect everyone differently.
“Depression does not always mean
Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye
Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor
Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week
Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement
Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying
Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed
Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore”
I found that on Tumblr the other day. It's the last part that got me. "you're not the person they're looking for, not anymore." I feel like that so much. Its why I don't keep in touch with people. It's why I don't have friends. It's why when people find me on Facebook or see me on the streets and want to 'reconnect', I just have to ignore it and walk away. I'm not that person anymore. I doubt I ever will be again. However, the medications that my doctor gave me, and we went through a list of trial and error, have helped. I've become more sociable (and that's gotten me in trouble), less inhibited (also trouble) and in general, I've become a more pleasant person. I've started to find optimism less vomit-inducing and more pleasant. I've stopped seeing this year as the year to try to kill me and more as the year that tested if I truly wanted what I thought.
Then the question became, what was it that I thought I wanted? To continue living the existence I had, or something more? Did I want to be the single father that I had been for the past 7 years with minimal social interaction and only my son and computer for company? Or did I want to become something else and grow. Did I dare hope to, as people annoyingly kept telling me, find someone? I don't know. I didn't then, and I still don't. I only know what I feel, and that alone has me worried.
"Finding someone worth waking up with is much more important than finding someone to go to sleep with."
Another quote I ran across. Lots of wisdom on Tumblr. That, and porn. Don't judge me. I used to get a lot of photographic ideas from there before I gave up on photography. But every once in a while you'll see one of those sappy little messages that just make you melt a little on the inside.
"I didn't want to fall in love, but then you smiled, and I couldn't resist." and "When two people are happy together, you leave them the fuck alone."
Some aren't as eloquent as others, but you get the idea. I've become more hopeful lately, and at the same time, that last one gets me. If two people are happy together, and your idea of happiness gets in the way of that, can you really be happy? That's where this entire post is going. My idea of depression isn't slashing my wrists or tying a rope around my neck or sitting in a dark room and listening to The Cure all night. My depression is the far more devious kind. It's the kind that I can have with a smile on my face while telling jokes, and then I go home and drink and wish things were different. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't know how I felt. Hell, only two or three people in the whole world know how I really feel.
On that note, I leave you with this last quote before I resume drinking and crawling back into bed.
“When I say, ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a heck of a person.”
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Into the belly of the beast
Before we begin, this is a warning. This is that moment where you take the blue pill and remain as you are, or you take the red pill and drop into Wonderland and see all the fucked up shit that caterpillar was smoking. In other words, you're gonna learn far more about me than you ever wanted to know, because the topic of this blog was specifically requested and shall be presented as such. Evil.
So, let's define evil. Generally defined as profoundly immoral or malevolent, it can also encompass reprehensible behavior or even sinful or wicked actions. So what does this mean? Well, to put it plainly, evil, by these definitions, means making all the wrong choices according to some moral code that states we should do the exact opposite in order to be 'good' people. 'Good' people help others. 'Good' people donate to charities. 'Good' people go to church and don't watch porn or play violent video games or masturbate, blah blah blah. So, evil is relative. If we agree with that, then 'evil' people punch babies, kick kittens, pull the wings off of flies, rob banks, kill people and do drugs, etc, etc...
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to the center of this. Me. There was a time when I was the center of my own universe. Call it narcissistic if you want, but that's not the case. I was not in love with myself nor vain in any way. I simply was all there was to me. I had no one but myself. Then I met my wife, and she became the center of my universe and I orbited happily around she who had become the star in my sky. Then my son was born, and he became the sun at the center of the galaxy and my wife and I orbited around him. Then she left, and my orbit around my son became smaller, closer. He is the center of my life. Where am I going with this? How is this related to evil? It's not. This is just backstory and exposition. The evil comes next.
See, my wife and I had issues in our relationship. I wasn't the best husband. She wasn't the best wife. We had trust issues, security issues, self-esteem issues. One time, I found out she had 'cheated' on me. It crushed me. I felt like I was the most insignificant bit of trash on the planet. But something began to grow inside of me. It festered and infected me and before I knew it, part of me enjoyed that idea. Part of me began to find it arousing to think of her with other men. And there became the breaking point in our marriage. Because I told her she could sleep with whomever she wanted, it made her feel like I didn't care. I was out for my own enjoyment, not even seeing how I was making her feel. In that, I was evil. Unintentional, maybe, but still evil.
After our split, there was a lot of animosity between us. We didn't get along for a while. Until she needed something, then she would contact me. Usually it was money, and being the sucker I am, I gave it to her. I was too nice for a period of time. I got taken advantage of, which took me to a further level of evil. The "What are you going to do for me?" level. If you want a favor from me, what am I getting in return? It was no longer enough for me to do things out of kindness. I wanted mine, dammit.
Years later, after being taken advantage of by many other people, whether it be work or personal, my attitude became that of "Fuck you all. I'm out for myself". And so that's how I've lived these past 7 years. I take care of my son and don't give a fuck about anyone else. I didn't want to get close to anyone, because I felt that they were just gonna use me and toss me aside, so I just used them first. Perhaps not evil, but definitely an asshole move.
So we enter my more recent years. I use people to get what I want. Or rather, I used to. Maybe I still do. I met a co-worker one day at work and we sparked up a conversation about how I was trying to be a photographer. He volunteered his fiance (whom I had never seen and didn't expect much out of) as a model. Usually, when someone does this, it's because they feel like they need to prove something. Like, maybe they want to show off their girlfriend or see if someone else can give them approval. I agreed to see what happened, and happen it did. One day, he came to work with her, and from the moment I saw her, I was smitten. I couldn't wait to get my camera on her. It wasn't until many, many months later that it actually happened, but when it did... Fucking magic. I was in love. In love with taking pictures of her, that is. The rest came later. Where is the evil, you ask? I used that guy to get to the girl, and part of me wanted to steal her away from him. Evil, immoral, sinful and wicked.
Now, that very man is in training to defend this country and she is alone most of the time. As a sinful and wicked person, I took advantage of this. Part of me claimed it was for artistic purposes, but the reality is that I saw something I wanted and I went for it. That evil part of me wanted everything, and it took every ounce of restraint that I had to stop myself. To be honest, I can't trust myself anymore. The beast that dwells within me wants her, and wants her bad. Some days are worse than others, but at best, it's a 50/50 battle between desire and restraint. Lately, restraint is losing. This is why I can't be near her. I'm fighting a losing battle, and the demon inside is winning. What's worse, the good side isn't even fighting anymore. I'm a walking Sin Demon. All that I touch, I corrupt. All that is good around me falls to ash. I bring evil. I bring pain. I bring sadness, doubt, deceit, and treachery.
I am evil. Part lust, part love, part envy, part greed, all evil. I want a married woman, and the tiny bit of restraint I have is the only thing stopping me from doing very stupid things.
And to the one reading this, I warned you. I am evil, and you should run away.
So, let's define evil. Generally defined as profoundly immoral or malevolent, it can also encompass reprehensible behavior or even sinful or wicked actions. So what does this mean? Well, to put it plainly, evil, by these definitions, means making all the wrong choices according to some moral code that states we should do the exact opposite in order to be 'good' people. 'Good' people help others. 'Good' people donate to charities. 'Good' people go to church and don't watch porn or play violent video games or masturbate, blah blah blah. So, evil is relative. If we agree with that, then 'evil' people punch babies, kick kittens, pull the wings off of flies, rob banks, kill people and do drugs, etc, etc...
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to the center of this. Me. There was a time when I was the center of my own universe. Call it narcissistic if you want, but that's not the case. I was not in love with myself nor vain in any way. I simply was all there was to me. I had no one but myself. Then I met my wife, and she became the center of my universe and I orbited happily around she who had become the star in my sky. Then my son was born, and he became the sun at the center of the galaxy and my wife and I orbited around him. Then she left, and my orbit around my son became smaller, closer. He is the center of my life. Where am I going with this? How is this related to evil? It's not. This is just backstory and exposition. The evil comes next.
See, my wife and I had issues in our relationship. I wasn't the best husband. She wasn't the best wife. We had trust issues, security issues, self-esteem issues. One time, I found out she had 'cheated' on me. It crushed me. I felt like I was the most insignificant bit of trash on the planet. But something began to grow inside of me. It festered and infected me and before I knew it, part of me enjoyed that idea. Part of me began to find it arousing to think of her with other men. And there became the breaking point in our marriage. Because I told her she could sleep with whomever she wanted, it made her feel like I didn't care. I was out for my own enjoyment, not even seeing how I was making her feel. In that, I was evil. Unintentional, maybe, but still evil.
After our split, there was a lot of animosity between us. We didn't get along for a while. Until she needed something, then she would contact me. Usually it was money, and being the sucker I am, I gave it to her. I was too nice for a period of time. I got taken advantage of, which took me to a further level of evil. The "What are you going to do for me?" level. If you want a favor from me, what am I getting in return? It was no longer enough for me to do things out of kindness. I wanted mine, dammit.
Years later, after being taken advantage of by many other people, whether it be work or personal, my attitude became that of "Fuck you all. I'm out for myself". And so that's how I've lived these past 7 years. I take care of my son and don't give a fuck about anyone else. I didn't want to get close to anyone, because I felt that they were just gonna use me and toss me aside, so I just used them first. Perhaps not evil, but definitely an asshole move.
So we enter my more recent years. I use people to get what I want. Or rather, I used to. Maybe I still do. I met a co-worker one day at work and we sparked up a conversation about how I was trying to be a photographer. He volunteered his fiance (whom I had never seen and didn't expect much out of) as a model. Usually, when someone does this, it's because they feel like they need to prove something. Like, maybe they want to show off their girlfriend or see if someone else can give them approval. I agreed to see what happened, and happen it did. One day, he came to work with her, and from the moment I saw her, I was smitten. I couldn't wait to get my camera on her. It wasn't until many, many months later that it actually happened, but when it did... Fucking magic. I was in love. In love with taking pictures of her, that is. The rest came later. Where is the evil, you ask? I used that guy to get to the girl, and part of me wanted to steal her away from him. Evil, immoral, sinful and wicked.
Now, that very man is in training to defend this country and she is alone most of the time. As a sinful and wicked person, I took advantage of this. Part of me claimed it was for artistic purposes, but the reality is that I saw something I wanted and I went for it. That evil part of me wanted everything, and it took every ounce of restraint that I had to stop myself. To be honest, I can't trust myself anymore. The beast that dwells within me wants her, and wants her bad. Some days are worse than others, but at best, it's a 50/50 battle between desire and restraint. Lately, restraint is losing. This is why I can't be near her. I'm fighting a losing battle, and the demon inside is winning. What's worse, the good side isn't even fighting anymore. I'm a walking Sin Demon. All that I touch, I corrupt. All that is good around me falls to ash. I bring evil. I bring pain. I bring sadness, doubt, deceit, and treachery.
I am evil. Part lust, part love, part envy, part greed, all evil. I want a married woman, and the tiny bit of restraint I have is the only thing stopping me from doing very stupid things.
And to the one reading this, I warned you. I am evil, and you should run away.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sparks
I know I made a post earlier, and that post was quite lengthy. Also, as mentioned, that post was started while I was at work, and things have happened since that point that I feel like I need to get out of my head.
I'm alone. I'm more alone now than I've been in a long time. I've got my family all around me, but they really don't understand how I feel. I could explain it, but they would just say "it's part of life" or something along those lines. I suppose this is why I've gone back to drinking. Right now, the bottom of a bottle is the only place where I can see the me that I want to be. Because, as it stands, that's all I'll ever see.
The other day, my wife/ex-wife told me to fuck off yet again. This time, I'm inclined to agree. After everything I've done, this is how I'm treated. Specifics are not needed, but I can't deal with it anymore. With that situation, I lost my longest running friend. The friend that previously held that position was lost when he tried to "steal" my wife under the pretense of friendship. "Oh, we're just friends. This is the same thing you and I used to do." And this is one of the reasons that I don't trust anyone anymore. Then I realized, I was him.
All my friends are gone. I've got one left, but eventually, she'll be gone as well. Everyone has priorities. Mine is to my son and keeping him safe and provided for. Hers are to keeping her life as she wants it. There always comes a point where paths diverge and never intersect again. We'll reach that point at some point in the future. Near or far, I don't know yet. But right now, she's the only friend I have, and the only one reading this. Thank you, Marissa. I know this may seem depressing, but you truly have helped a lot, but I really hate myself for being the friend that tried to take my wife from me. I can't really blame him. The only person that took her from me, was me. I fucked up in so many ways I can't even count. But thank you for being a friend for now. I need it more than I admit, but eventually, it will have to end.
I try to act like things don't bother me. Everyone does. Everyone also needs an outlet. With Facebook no longer active for me, and no friends to read whatever I might've posted there, this blog is the only outlet I have. Perhaps I should try going out to clubs or bars. But why? To meet more people that will only leave in the end? It's not like I have anything to offer any of them. I'm not attractive. I'm not looking for a "good time". I'm not the best conversationalist in the club scene. I'm a nerd, dork, geek, techie... Whatever. My kind isn't suited for being in 'popular' venues. I mean, Christ, I'm a 35 (NOT 38!) year old man that plays video games, watches cartoons ranging from giant robots to pastel ponies, and sits in front of a computer and whines about his "feelings".
In the end, it all boils down to being alone. That's where I've been for nearly the last decade, and that's where I'll stay. After I drop my son off for the weekend in Virginia tomorrow, I'll spend the drive back in silence and drown myself in alcohol and work.
I'm alone. I'm more alone now than I've been in a long time. I've got my family all around me, but they really don't understand how I feel. I could explain it, but they would just say "it's part of life" or something along those lines. I suppose this is why I've gone back to drinking. Right now, the bottom of a bottle is the only place where I can see the me that I want to be. Because, as it stands, that's all I'll ever see.
The other day, my wife/ex-wife told me to fuck off yet again. This time, I'm inclined to agree. After everything I've done, this is how I'm treated. Specifics are not needed, but I can't deal with it anymore. With that situation, I lost my longest running friend. The friend that previously held that position was lost when he tried to "steal" my wife under the pretense of friendship. "Oh, we're just friends. This is the same thing you and I used to do." And this is one of the reasons that I don't trust anyone anymore. Then I realized, I was him.
All my friends are gone. I've got one left, but eventually, she'll be gone as well. Everyone has priorities. Mine is to my son and keeping him safe and provided for. Hers are to keeping her life as she wants it. There always comes a point where paths diverge and never intersect again. We'll reach that point at some point in the future. Near or far, I don't know yet. But right now, she's the only friend I have, and the only one reading this. Thank you, Marissa. I know this may seem depressing, but you truly have helped a lot, but I really hate myself for being the friend that tried to take my wife from me. I can't really blame him. The only person that took her from me, was me. I fucked up in so many ways I can't even count. But thank you for being a friend for now. I need it more than I admit, but eventually, it will have to end.
I try to act like things don't bother me. Everyone does. Everyone also needs an outlet. With Facebook no longer active for me, and no friends to read whatever I might've posted there, this blog is the only outlet I have. Perhaps I should try going out to clubs or bars. But why? To meet more people that will only leave in the end? It's not like I have anything to offer any of them. I'm not attractive. I'm not looking for a "good time". I'm not the best conversationalist in the club scene. I'm a nerd, dork, geek, techie... Whatever. My kind isn't suited for being in 'popular' venues. I mean, Christ, I'm a 35 (NOT 38!) year old man that plays video games, watches cartoons ranging from giant robots to pastel ponies, and sits in front of a computer and whines about his "feelings".
In the end, it all boils down to being alone. That's where I've been for nearly the last decade, and that's where I'll stay. After I drop my son off for the weekend in Virginia tomorrow, I'll spend the drive back in silence and drown myself in alcohol and work.
I'm not calling for a second chance.
"And maybe someday we will meet,"
"And maybe talk, and not just speak."
"Don't buy the promises,"
"Cuz there are no promises I keep."
"And my reflection troubles me,"
"So here I go..."
I sit here at work as I begin this blog. Likely, it won't be posted until after I get home due to lack of internet at my place of employment. Still, it gives me time to organize thoughts and consider topics and all that razzle-dazzle. I have a few ideas floating around in this convoluted cranium of mine, so we shall start with something that has recently become a topic of concern to me.
Addiction. I don't necessarily mean drugs or alcohol or anything illegal, but addiction can take many forms. Some are harmless, some are not. So let's go with some examples from my personal life.
At this time of the year, I get an addiction to all things pumpkin flavored. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin air fresheners... You get the idea. I go crazy, but by the end of the season, I'm burned out on it and I wait until this time rolls around again next year to start the cycle all over again. A harmless addiction.
Now, addictions take many forms. Let's go to the next example. It's not quite harmful, unless you don't understand the concept of moderation. Alcohol. Some people may not consider this an addiction, but it is. That's why there are counseling groups for people to recover from this issue. From the time I was around 22, I began drinking. For me, it was a fun social thing. I was out with friends, we had fun, and all was well. Mostly. Sure, I had some instances where I got drunk and kissed a few guys at a party, but there was no harm, and the girls enjoyed it. However, as time went on, I started to drink more, and with less friends, until eventually I was drinking alone, at home, watching TV or playing video games (not a good idea). I realized I had a slight issue, but then I met my wife, and that stopped, mostly.
After my wife and I split, a different addiction altogether, I found another addiction, and this one nearly killed me. To this day, I'm still suffering the effects. Opiates. Pain killers. Percocets, Vicodin, whatever I could find. I almost overdosed a few times. That fear of death made me cut back, but not stop. Until one night at work, I had been popping pills all day, and after leaving, I felt like I was going to die. I thought my heart was going to stop. I went to the emergency room, but they could find nothing wrong with me. I hadn't overdosed. I wasn't going to die. I had, however, nearly destroyed my stomach with all the medication and because of that, I'm in the situation I'm in now. Since then, no more pain killers. No more caffeine. No more alcohol. My main vices were gone. I had only one left, but we won't talk about that one.
Finally, my last example of addiction isn't so much and addiction in the traditional sense, but it sometimes feels that way. Many people can agree. Love. When you're in love, you want it around you all the time. Everything you do is for love. It becomes your everything. Then, when it is gone, you feel as if life isn't worth living. It becomes a soul crushing experience to simply exist. By extension, even if love isn't there, one can become addicted to people. Family, friends, etc.. When you get used to something being there and it goes away, you can have a version of withdrawals. Break ups, military deployments, different schools, vacations, moving away, and death. They can all have the same effect.
Humans are creatures of habit. We like things the way we like them, and mostly, we don't like change. Back to myself, I have reverted to a way of thinking and being that I had not been in for some time. After being single and celibate for 7 years, I made the mistake of allowing myself to feel emotion again. I knew it was a mistake, and in the end, I got punched in the heart. Also, betrayal. Getting stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend. When you open yourself up and start to get used to things, that is when the Divine Fluffy One intervenes and takes things from you.
So, various forms of addiction, at least according to my own point of view. And now, things are regressing. I've returned to caffeine. I've started back on Red Bull. I've started drinking alcohol. I'm returning to old habits, all because of one addiction. Companionship. The most basic of human needs, and yet, the one I struggle hardest to deal with. With my personal issues, I just cannot maintain any sort of relationship, friendship, or anything that involves another person, because eventually I will drive them away.
I am a hedgehog.
"And maybe talk, and not just speak."
"Don't buy the promises,"
"Cuz there are no promises I keep."
"And my reflection troubles me,"
"So here I go..."
I sit here at work as I begin this blog. Likely, it won't be posted until after I get home due to lack of internet at my place of employment. Still, it gives me time to organize thoughts and consider topics and all that razzle-dazzle. I have a few ideas floating around in this convoluted cranium of mine, so we shall start with something that has recently become a topic of concern to me.
Addiction. I don't necessarily mean drugs or alcohol or anything illegal, but addiction can take many forms. Some are harmless, some are not. So let's go with some examples from my personal life.
At this time of the year, I get an addiction to all things pumpkin flavored. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin air fresheners... You get the idea. I go crazy, but by the end of the season, I'm burned out on it and I wait until this time rolls around again next year to start the cycle all over again. A harmless addiction.
Now, addictions take many forms. Let's go to the next example. It's not quite harmful, unless you don't understand the concept of moderation. Alcohol. Some people may not consider this an addiction, but it is. That's why there are counseling groups for people to recover from this issue. From the time I was around 22, I began drinking. For me, it was a fun social thing. I was out with friends, we had fun, and all was well. Mostly. Sure, I had some instances where I got drunk and kissed a few guys at a party, but there was no harm, and the girls enjoyed it. However, as time went on, I started to drink more, and with less friends, until eventually I was drinking alone, at home, watching TV or playing video games (not a good idea). I realized I had a slight issue, but then I met my wife, and that stopped, mostly.
After my wife and I split, a different addiction altogether, I found another addiction, and this one nearly killed me. To this day, I'm still suffering the effects. Opiates. Pain killers. Percocets, Vicodin, whatever I could find. I almost overdosed a few times. That fear of death made me cut back, but not stop. Until one night at work, I had been popping pills all day, and after leaving, I felt like I was going to die. I thought my heart was going to stop. I went to the emergency room, but they could find nothing wrong with me. I hadn't overdosed. I wasn't going to die. I had, however, nearly destroyed my stomach with all the medication and because of that, I'm in the situation I'm in now. Since then, no more pain killers. No more caffeine. No more alcohol. My main vices were gone. I had only one left, but we won't talk about that one.
Finally, my last example of addiction isn't so much and addiction in the traditional sense, but it sometimes feels that way. Many people can agree. Love. When you're in love, you want it around you all the time. Everything you do is for love. It becomes your everything. Then, when it is gone, you feel as if life isn't worth living. It becomes a soul crushing experience to simply exist. By extension, even if love isn't there, one can become addicted to people. Family, friends, etc.. When you get used to something being there and it goes away, you can have a version of withdrawals. Break ups, military deployments, different schools, vacations, moving away, and death. They can all have the same effect.
Humans are creatures of habit. We like things the way we like them, and mostly, we don't like change. Back to myself, I have reverted to a way of thinking and being that I had not been in for some time. After being single and celibate for 7 years, I made the mistake of allowing myself to feel emotion again. I knew it was a mistake, and in the end, I got punched in the heart. Also, betrayal. Getting stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend. When you open yourself up and start to get used to things, that is when the Divine Fluffy One intervenes and takes things from you.
So, various forms of addiction, at least according to my own point of view. And now, things are regressing. I've returned to caffeine. I've started back on Red Bull. I've started drinking alcohol. I'm returning to old habits, all because of one addiction. Companionship. The most basic of human needs, and yet, the one I struggle hardest to deal with. With my personal issues, I just cannot maintain any sort of relationship, friendship, or anything that involves another person, because eventually I will drive them away.
I am a hedgehog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)