Warning! Unfiltered Matt Thoughts!

Nope. Not dead yet.. Though there have been many times over the past year that I had wished I was. Not that I went all suicidal or anything. I have no respect for cowards, unless death is imminent and nothing can be done, then why not choose your own way out? Anyway, no.. My situation was that I developed some kinda mutant form of acid reflux or something. Unlike some people that just get indigestion, I basically curl up into a little ball and start spouting out to any deity that will listen that I want to get better or die. It's not pretty, or manly, but I've never been either.

This whole situation has affected my behavior greatly. I've evolved from 'The Bastard' into 'The Asshole'. I used to be kind of a dick towards people by making comments and such that were jokingly mean. Now, I'm just a flat out asshole. I don't care what people think about me. I'm not out to build relationships. I'm not out to make anyone happy. I'm just out to live my sad little life and get what happiness I want out of it. For me, that involves making myself and my son happy. That is all. Occasionally, I will take someone along and work towards their happiness, if it benefits me. And there I go being an asshole again. Deal with it.

I started into a discussion at work the other day when one of the girls called me a pervert for making a joking comment. I flat out told her that guys are sexual beasts. We think about sex almost constantly. If you're around for more than 30 seconds, we've probably thought about having sex with you. If we haven't, then we either weren't paying attention, or you aren't the type of the thinker. Nothing personal, but that's how it is. So, that's probably why I don't have many female friends anymore.

Aside from that, I have unreasonably high standards for everything. I expect what I want, when I want it, and if that doesn't happen, then I begin to wonder why I expected that I would get what I wanted in the first place. It's unfair to the world around me, but that's how I am. I won't change. I'll be 33 in about a month. It's a little late to start worrying about changing behavioral patterns. I'll just be a bitter asshole towards the world and save the little bit of caring I have for Phoenix.

That said, Phoenix is growing like a thing that grows fast and well. His school has been a great experience for him, sickness aside. He's learned a lot and made some friends. I don't really like his teacher. I think she's an alcoholic prostitute or something. Sometimes I wonder if she's just teaching the class as some sort of community service. But anyway, he likes her and until that changes, I'll keep my mouth shut.

The seasons are changing and warmer weather is coming soon. With the warmer weather comes many things that may brighten my mood. First off is the ability to get outside and use my cameras again! Photography is always a bright point of my day. Downside is when I can't find a decent subject to capture. I'm bitchy like that. I want to capture an image the way I see it in my head. If I can't, well... brooding artists and all that.

I wish I could just find some decent models. And no, I'm not just referring to women. Though, a few of those would help a lot, mainly because everything else I photograph does what it wants, when it wants. At least I could suggest things to the female model, even though she'd likely disregard it. Such is the life of a photographer. Bah.

And, because I'm rambling on and it's time for me to crash, I'll end this here. I'll probably be doing more posts soon since I remembered the login information here. So, until then, enjoy some Olivia Wilde hotness!

"So say we all..."

Back to work.

It's been a good while since my last entry. It's not that stuff hasn't been going on. I've just been too distracted to sit down and slap my thoughts on a bit of techno-paper. So, here I am, after a long work shift and tired as shit. Delirium, guide my hands!

First and foremost, work has been dominating my life. Many changes at the old pizza place since my last entry. I've been working my way up in the ranks and gathering more respect (yeah right!) from the rest of the crew. I honestly like this job a lot, and as with most things I like, I'm pouring everything into it. I just hope that this will yield better results than previous jobs.

On the family front, my son is evolving at an astounding rate. His learning skills amaze me, even if he does get distracted easily. His ability to navigate the video games I've gotten him shows me that his hand/eye coordination is good. Now if I can just get him to focus on whatever tasks are put before him, he'll be the new overlord of Chiron Beta Prime. And I'll still love him.

Apples are delicious.

I've managed to keep myself entertained in my off hours from work through my various hobbies. I've burned through a few anime series and keep zipping through more. Gundam 00 was my most recent conquest. Well, at least the first season anyway. I've started on the second and can't wait to watch more.

Video games have been the major time-killer recently. With Uncharted 2, Borderlands, Modern Warfare 2, Assassin's Creed 2 (Blegh!) and a few downloaded demos at my disposal, there definitely isn't a lack of stuff to play. Granted, Assassin's Creed 2 can suck mah bawls. I was so angry at that game that I highly doubt I'll play any further installments of the series.

There's much more to say, but it's late and I'm tired, so I'll wrap this up.

"So say we all."

A break of tradition

To any that have visited this page before, you'll have noticed my running theme of posting an image of a cute character at the end of each entry. Today will be an exception, and I'm sure you'll understand why.

As my first post to this journal was made, I was grieving the loss of my dog, Reina. We called her Puppy, because we were lazy and she didn't seem to mind. She was 13 years old and was as loyal a dog as I had ever known. I raised her, along with my family, from a puppy to the wonderful dog that she was at her death. She was the first dog I had ever owned long enough to have die of natural causes. Not that any other dog I've owned died any other way. My parents usually didn't like them at the time, and I was too young to argue with them. Nevertheless, Reina was my first 'full-term' dog. She'll be missed.

Now, as Reina was dealt with in the first post, I'm sad to say that I'm again mourning the loss of a dog. This one Butters (Whom we called Piggy because his little snout caused him to snort like a pig when he sniffed around), died far too young. He was no more than 5 years old, but died of the same disease that got Reina. And while Reina's death wasn't really a shock to me, due to her age and the gradual onset of whatever illness it was, I was expecting it. With Piggy, it was more sudden. I went out to feed him, and he had gone to sleep under a swing in the yard, and never woke up.

As I buried him, I couldn't help but feel guilt. Like, maybe I could have done something. Maybe I should have come outside and played with him more. Maybe I should've done more in the yard so that he could follow behind me stupidly. With Reina, I had done all that. We played, walked, wrestled, relaxed... but with Piggy, I dunno.. He was technically my mom's dog, but I tend to become pretty connected to most animals I come in contact with. Due to that, I feel responsible, and I just want to cry.

I'm gonna miss the stupid little fur ball. And despite being against organized religion, I can only hope that he and Reina are rompin' around in that backyard of an afterlife for dogs.

Rest In Peace Reina ...

Rest In Peace Piggy ...

"So say we all."

I won't lie. I've had a lot to drink tonight. I'm barely managing to stay upright in my chair. It took me half an hour to type all of this.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm gonna post about. Things lately have been rather.. hectic. With the new position at work, I've been overwhelmed by long hours and loads of work. Granted, the pay is good, and that pay will help me in ways I can't even explain. Of course, it also means I'm away from home more, and because of that, I appreciate even more what I have at home. Absence makes the heart retarded and all that.

I've been playing Aion since its closed beta, and in my opinion, it's better than Warcraft. It could just be the fact that I've played WoW for 5 years and it's gotten stale and Aion is all bright and shiny. On a side note, why is Warcraft not busted by the spell checker but Aion is? It's a conspiracy!

I wasn't kidding about not being able to sit up straight.

No matter how I say this, it's gonna sound strange. I am an admirer of the female form. No matter who, or where, or why, or drunk, I can appreciate a fine female. However, that's discrimination. I can also appreciate a fine male just as much, and I have in the past. But what I'm saying is, if you're hot, you're hot, and I won't deny it. If you're cute, use it as much as you can. If you're me, well, get a job and earn money.

At this point.. I believe I have no idea what I'm saying.

"So say we all."

I'm sick.

Take that how ya will.

This morning I woke up all sniffly and sneezy and stuff. I'm sure I looked horrible after a night of a runny nose and sneezing constantly. It was one of those unpleasant moments where you just feel disoriented and dirty. It was almost like Kanye West was there.

Even now, I'm still sniffly and sneezy. Just took more NyQuil than a human should take in a normal week. I'm sure I'll be KTFO soon. However, this is only partially related to this post. Achoo!

On a seperate note, I've been 'single' for 3 years now. This also means I've been lonely for 3 years now. Any adult can add up where this particular locomotive of mental disaster is going. So, yes, I'll admit that I have a problem. I have a disease of the mind which is kinda like alcoholism. When people drink or do drugs, they say things that they normally wouldn't say. I know this from experience. However, in my case (and I'm sure it happens to more than just me), when that certain feeling of arousal/excitability (is that a word?) gets switched on, I also get that diarrhea of the mouth. Regardless of whether I think I'm in control or not, shit will flow out as soon as I open my mouth.

Luckily for me, my self-loathing keeps me away from females most of the time. Thus, the 'certain feeling' generally never arises in public (No pun intended). So, I'm spared from making embarassing remarks to girls I don't know that well. Of course, the downside is that the remarks get made towards a person or two that doesn't really care to hear it. Which leads me back to square one of ... well, I won't say the name of the game. But yeah. I'm sick in the head.

The last post I made was pretty much an extension of this particular problem. Hell, every post has had some connection to it. Let this be a warning. If you know me, or I know you, be afraid. Thoughts will be had. That is all.

"So say we all."

This post has no purpose...

... other than to jump straight to the 'Attractive Girl of the Post'. I'm bored, and don't really give much of a shit beyond that.

"So say we all."

Meh.

What do you do when you feel so strongly about something and yet you can do nothing about it? How do you keep from going crazy when you can't express the raging torrent of emotion inside of you?

This is one of those moments where all the negativity that I generally repress tends to swirl about in my head. Sometimes I want to lash out and let the puissance of my despite destroy everything that stands before it. There's more than one reason why the internet name Malice Mouser has stuck around as long as it has. Malice is a big part of me, and because of that, things generally don't go well, which breeds more malice. I am like a closed circle in many ways. What I was, I will be again. What I am will pass into what I will be until I become what I am again. I don't care if that sounds logical or not.

Of course, as tempting as expelling the venomous malice sounds, the backlash of such a release would simply create more issues that I dread to face. The outcome is a room hidden behind a closed door. The malice may open the door, yet what lies on the other side is uncertain. Either the light will be on or the room will be dark. The room may be dimly lit, or it may be in complete disarray. It may be vacant or welcoming. Such is the issue with Schrodinger's Cat. You can never know what's going to happen until you do something to force a response.

While this seems to sound logical to me at the moment, my sagacity isn't what I'd like it to be. So, despite the complaints and dark expectations of the future, I remain silent.

"So say we all."