It's been a long time coming.

After escaping from Arkham Asylum, I figured it was time to make a blog post that I had been meaning to make for quite a while. If you're wondering why I haven't made it before now, there are a few reasons why I chose this time. One, I've been drinking. Two, things can only be held back so long. Three, well, I have nothing to lose really.

To those that don't know me, I may seem like an asshole. There's good reason for that. I generally AM an asshole. The reasons for this vary from moment to moment, but the dominating reason is that I have a lot of stuff inside me that I hold back on a daily basis. Because I don't let this festering sore heal, I lash out at people as a minor relief to my own, self-inflicted, pain. I won't unleash all of Hell in this post, but I'll knock out a few of those pesky wraiths that haunt me.

First off, I'm not a racist person, really. I don't hate a particular race because of what they are. I do, however, hate particular GROUPS because of how they behave. However, because of the fact that I'm a whitey, anything that I might speak of would be construed as racist, and thus I am limited in my bitching about how some ghetto ass person in a trailer park was acting like a supreme dick/cunt.

Somewhat related is my complaints against work. I enjoy my job, but my bitching is limited due to the types of people that I work with. Again, this is not a racist comment, as I have complaints about all types of people. I just can't complain because I haven't been around long enough and most people would just as rather toss out a whiner than listen to them, even if the points are valid.

The majority of the demons fighting for dominance of my behavior are related to ..well, relationships, or lack thereof. My particularly pesky phantasms tend to revolve around memories of my ex-wife, and because of the precarious nature of such things, I am under geasato refrain from mentioning any of them aloud. Due to this mental restriction, I am usually in a fairly bitter and cynical frame of mind. At least 3/4 of the things I hold back on a daily basis fall into this category. Of course, even if I were to expel these ghosts from their comfortable residence, there's no guarantee which outcome would have been more preferable. Silence or satisfaction? Well, we'll never know.

For now, back to the Asylum.

"So say we all."

A fun one!

"Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."

And that's pretty much dead on. Guilt is one of the more powerful and influential emotions that a person can run across, assuming you're a living, feeling human with a conscience. There are some that have no idea what guilt feels like, and I feel more sorry for them than the people that have to deal with guilt daily.

Guilt can change a person for a myriad of reasons. Guilt can crawl inside a person and lay dormant for any amount of time and then strike when least expected. It's a disease of the soul that can make people do things they wouldn't normally do. Let's explore.

Person A cheats on Person B in a relationship. From here, we can take one of four common paths. Person A confesses and feels guilty, Person A says nothing in lets the guilt eat away at them, Person A says nothing and Person B finds out on their own and then the guilt is that much worse for Person A, or Person A feels no guilt at all and is a heartless fucker that needs to die.

This post borders on the multiverse theory. The actions could be examined any number of ways and those actions lead to others to be examined and so on. I'll keep it simple.

Assuming Person A feels guilt, we'll assume that they said nothing and it lead to them feeling guilty in silence. So, now Person A is going out of their way to 'make it up' to Person B without them knowing what happened. So now Person B is being treated better, getting special gifts and generally feeling better about things. Person A is doing things for Person B that they usually wouldn't, but they know it makes Person B happy, so they do it.

I'm refraining from specifics to make it more accessible to anyone reading this. Also, we'll skip the obvious suspicion that is bound to arise from Person B when Person A starts behaving differently.

The point remains that guilt can turn people, either for good or bad. Think back and wonder how many times you did something (or someone did for you) that was based on feeling guilty. It's amazing how that adds up.

"So say we all."

Thyme Too Keel

I won't lie. I'm making this post simply because I have time to kill. Two hours before work and I have little else to do. So, I make this post for my own benefit because I could care less if anyone else reads it.

A quick summary of the dreams from the last 2 nights. Dream 1 was NyQuil induced. I was hired to work at a clothing store in a Japanese mall which was located on the moon..? The only way to make deliveries to Earth was to go outside and launch them into the air, hoping to beat the moon's gravity so that it sailed to Earth. Anyway, they started to train me and show me around. In the back room, they kept a Dwarven princess captive. Later, I conspired with some sort of monk to free the princess, or something. I woke up shortly after.

Last night's dream was just boring. It's not even worth mentioning except that it was one of those that would NEVER happen in real life. I do NOT ride passenger in my own car. Nor would I let a bunch of 'others' drive it.

I don't know if there's anything else interesting to post. I bought a few new games recently. Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires, Suikoden Tierkriss, Fat Princess (though that was just a download), and Cross Edge. Out of those four, I've played Dynasty Warriors the most, and I just bought it yesterday. Fat Princess is chaotic online fun. Suikoden I have yet to load into my DS, and Cross Edge is a fan service (not in the jiggly way) game that brings together characters from Capcom and a few other companies in an RPG on the PS3. The kicker is that they bring characters from games that no one cares about. I mean, Darkstalkers is all cool, but Atelier Marie? Mana Khemia? Disgaea? Meh.

So, yeah.. Hmm. Cutie of the Post. Lessee.

"So say we all."

It's been a few days..

..and there's reason for that. I started this blog for a few reasons, but in the past week or so, one of those reasons dwindled, as did stuff to write about. In any event, here's a post, albeit a small one.

Had another one of those unrealistic dreams. Well, that could be said for all dreams, but this was one of those that could happen in reality, but you imagine that they would not because of personal feeling. This one involved me having a house of my own with my son, then allowing his mother and her boyfriend or whatever move in as well. Now, not that they would even accept a deal if I offered, the point is that I wouldn't offer. We couldn't live together before, so now or the future is no different.

Second topic! I get picked on by my sisters because there's this girl that works at the nearby grocery store that has features that remind us (sisters and I) of my ex-wife. So, when I go to get something, and they're with me, they joke, "There's your girlfriend!". I just shrug it off really. She's cute and all, but I could tell that she was waaaaay too young. That got confirmed when one of my friends there said that she was indeed far too young. Even then, my sisters joke, "Well you like 'em young, don't you?". That used to be the case, and I would have considered dating a girl her age when I was 18, but now, that's like... the age difference between us is a full jail-bait BETWEEN the jail-bait.

Earlier today, my son amazed me with his vocabulary. When offering some watermelon to my sister's boyfriend, he remarked to me (as he already had some), "I'm just one man!". My son then looked at him and said, "If you duplicate yourself, you'd be two men!". Both Jeremy and I jawdropped at that. First the incident at the Chinese resturaunt, and now this..? This boy is gonna be awesome in school.

And with that, it's time for some more Gundam before bed. OH! Shit. Almost forgot the picture of the post! Triple threat!

"So say we all."

Strange Dreams, Again.

Last night was a rarity. I was in bed before midnight without aid of alcohol or medication. I guess, because of that, and the mass intake of food before bed, the dreams would be bizarre.

The dream, while seperated into two acts, was part of the same story. The first act involved my ex-wife (/waves) and that she had made a choice to come back and live with us (Us being me and our son). Now, while this isn't an abnormal dream, the strange part came in that I didn't really want it to be. Even in the dream, I didn't care. I guess that what they say about absence and growing fonder isn't true at all.

The second act was involved more directly with my son, but the strange part came in that somehow, he had a twin brother that I didn't know about? Completely possible, I suppose. I dunno. Dreams are weird. The most profound thing I could even say in the dream was, "Guess I need to get another car seat".

And it's not even noon yet. I'm sure this day is gonna be full of fun.

As for the balance to this slightly negative post... ! (It fits, trust me!)

"So say we all."

Another day...

So, yes, another day and another entry. This is one that I was thinking about yesterday but never got around to posting. I figured, since I had time to kill, and the feeling fresh in my mind, I'd go ahead and get this one out there. This post is about 'use and abuse'.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Well, at least since starting my new job. My previous job was one that was privately/locally owned, so there were no corporate rules or any sense of established protocol. With that being the case, there were a lot of things that went on there that weren't really right, but they were allowed to slide because the rules were made up as they went. Because of things like this, I, and others, were asked to do things that wouldn't normally be considered at a corporate place.

Examples:

The manager often had me play taxi for his baby's mother. Sometimes I would pick her up from a doctor's appointment, or take her. Sometimes I would have to run money out to his house for her. Sometimes I would have to take food to her. Nothing that I minded, too much. Of course, there were also little errands that I was asked to run. Post office, bank, local gym for a health shake and things of that nature.

The owner also asked things. Since I was the resident tech-guru at the place (a pizza establishment), I was often called on for tech support. Printers didn't work? Call Matt. Don't know how to wire your entertainment system? Call Matt. PS3 isn't working? Call Matt.

I did these things because I assumed that, in the long run, it would benefit me with some sort of respect at the establisment. I eventually rose to assistant manager, but even then, there was little appreciation for all the extra stuff I did. All the extra hours I worked, the days I stayed late when people called out, the extra cleaning I did, it all amounted to little when all was said and done.

After all of that, I was tossed out without even the consideration to TELL ME that I was fired. I recieved a text message stating that I wasn't needed anymore. Sure, they had mild reason to fire me, but to not even tell me to my face is what burns me.

And this carries over beyond work as well. I've been the type of person to do things for people when they ask, partially because I'm nice and partially because I'm one that believes if you do a favor, you recieve a favor. If I give you a ride somewhere as a favor, then perhaps later I may ask for a favor of.. gas money? Maybe lunch at some fast food place? Something minute. I generally don't ask for outrageous stuff in comparison with what I've given. It's not like I'll withhold my transportation services if you don't buy me a computer. So, I've never really thought of myself as being unfair. Until recently.

No, I don't mean that I acted in a manner that I believed was unfair or out of balance with the 'Equivalent Exchange' philosophy. I just realized that, regardless of what I do, regardless of anything, there are gonna be occasions when no compensation is given, when no gratitude is shown for all the hard work, when no consideration is, or will ever be, shown. So, in realizing this, I had continued to do extra stuff for people, partially expecting something in return and partially realizing that I was a flaming idiot for expecting anything at all.

What this means, in a nutshell, is that I've pretty much decided to NOT do extra stuff for people. No non-paid extra stuff at work, no favors around the house without some sort of compensation, etc...

"So say we all."

Koi da! Paniku!

It amazes me how much I have to say when I think I have nothing to say. Yet another entry in this blog that I'm never going to use. I've had time to think a lot today while wandering the mall, waiting for my car to finish being serviced.

Side Note: Amazing how many cute girls were out and about today.

Anyway, on to the real meat of this post. The above statement does have relevance, but only in a minimal sense. For behold, this post does not focus on the real, but the unreal!

I've been reading a lot lately, as well as watching anime, TV, movies, playing video games, and all the other things that devour the time that I have. During the time that I spend reading or watching or playing, my mind interacts with various characters in those various forms of media. This is what this post is about.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a fascination, or connection, with characters that don't exist. Sometimes, I identify with fictional characters more than reality. I wish those character were real, because I feel that I could get along with them far better than anyone that I could encounter in the real world. I know, of course, that those characters were created with a certain 'type' in mind, so they are far from real and far from 'complete'.

Even with that thought in mind, I often found myself wishing that I could, for lack of a better phrase, "meet a girl like that". Watching a movie or reading a book, I wished I could be that douchebag in the movie that is so blind when he's talking to the girl, because I would do things differently. I'd show her how much she meant to me. I wouldn't say the stupid shit, even if everything I just said was stupid.

The basic point I'm trying to make is that reality holds little appeal for me. I have my son, and he is my anchor to reality. Were it not for him, I'd spend the majority of my days immersed in fantasy, because reality sucks. I live in my imagination most of the time because I've lost that glimmer of goodness that I used to see in the world. Love in the real world won't happen again, because I won't let it. Reality is... real.

Looking back on what I typed, I realize that I sound like a complete tool that needs to be bitch-slapped into Oblivion. Still, that's how I feel, and I don't see any changes any time soon.

Also, I decided that my ending pictures will be cute/attractive characters (to me), male or female. They shall appear in no particular order of preference. They will be whomever is freshest in my mind.

"So say we all."