Despre Tine Cânt

"I say I wanna be happy, but I quickly forget."
"Will I sabotage all the good I've got left?"
"Depression's like a big fur coat."
"It's made of dead things but it keeps me warm."

It's been a strange last week for me.  My contact with the outside world has been pretty scarce.  I've left my phone alone for a lot of the time.  A few text messages here and there.  Nothing major.  Trying to break my dependance.  Trying to do a lot of things.  We'll see how that works out.  Anyway, on to the stuff!

Dreams.  Fuckin' hell.  I had this dream last night where I was communicating with the spirits of three dead girls.  I'd say they were between 5 and 10, but I was talking to their ghosts as clearly as I would talk to a normal person.  I'm not sure exactly what was going on, but I believe I was helping them to solve their murders.  It didn't last long before I was zipped into the next portion of a dream.

In this one, I was in a school.  I recognize the layout as my old junior high.  The classes were weird.  It was like everyone was afraid.  If you missed class, there would be harsh penalties.  Me, being the person I am, didn't give a shit and walked out the front door.  Once outside, it was the parking lot of the local mall.  I began walking to my car and realized I was being followed.  I turned around in time to see a group of about 5 guys, one with a gun raised.  He pulled the trigger as a threw my arms up in a vain effort to block the bullet.  I took two shots in the left arm and it hurt like hell.  I still recall seeing my forearm torn to hell and the blood splatters on my clothes.  Next thing I recall was being taken back into some building.  People were trying to deal with the wound while I kept protesting and saying I was fine. 

Dreams are strange. 

But back to reality.  I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist today.  It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was gonna be.  He asked some questions, I answered.  He went off on side tangents, I listened and responded when asked.  All in all, it went smoothly.  He gave me drugs, I'll take them.  We'll see how it goes.  He seems to think that my 'depression' will be cured if I relocate.  I think it might make it worse.  I dunno.  We'll see how the new medicine works.

(A day later...)

Well, the new medicine earns its "May Cause Drowsiness" label.  I learned my lesson on that one.  Definitely an after work med.  I napped after taking it, woke up to go to work, passed out after getting home and slept until about 15 minutes ago.  Anyway, I need to finish this post.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm having one of those nights.  One of those nights that started as soon as I woke up this morning.  Right now, I've just got the urge to punch something or hop in my car and drive recklessly across town.  It's one of THOSE nights.  I'm frustrated, hurt, angry, alone, and all around fucked up.

I know what my problem is.  I let myself care.  Each time my ex and I see each other, it's always a good time, and when the time comes to separate, I never want to let go.  However, I get beyond that because I know that we can never be together again.  This time... this time, I let myself get too attached.  All the old feelings came back, and I found myself wanting to be with her again.  I had even gone so far as to start planning to move to where she lives just to be near her, even though I knew it was only going to hurt me more.  Right now, I'm feeling that, even if only in the smallest dosage.

I can't be with her, and I need to get my head around that.  I can't allow myself to care, and this is why I've constantly told people that I don't want a relationship.  They always ask why I don't find someone new, and I tell them that I just don't want it.  The truth of the matter is, I don't want it, because I can't have it.  I'm not relationship material.  I'm broken.  I'm not what anyone wants, and I honestly don't understand why anyone would question that.  I tell people that I'm too busy or I don't have the money for a relationship, joking around that 'girls are expensive'.  That's another truth.  I can't afford it.  Financially or emotionally, I'm bankrupt.  I'm gonna be alone, and I need to deal with that.

I've known a lot of people to do dumb things when they're feeling like this.  I honestly don't understand how someone could do something so drastic when bad moods like this usually pass in a few days.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I can understand WHY they do it.  I have no plans to die until a zombie rips my body apart.  I kid.  I'll definitely shoot myself before that happens.  Don't wanna be a zombie.  Nasty business.

Anyway, I had intended to go out and get alcohol, even though I haven't had any in years.  But, I never carry through with anything, so I'm just gonna go to bed.

Where do I start? Hmmm.  Well, I guess I'll start with the most recent thing.  I had this strange dream last night.  Actually, more than one strange dream.  But I'll talk about the one that woke me up.

It started off as a point of view from someone's camera.  They were recording a beach trip.  The people on camera were unfamiliar with the exception of my best friend, Candace.  I could hear the voice of the man behind the camera as she was just showing off her new bathing suit and her friends were just being goofy.  Eventually, she ran to the water and jumped in.

At this point, the PoV switched to my own perspective.  I could see the man behind the camera, and for some reason, it was Sam Witwer.  So now, I was watching the scene, yet no one could see me.  It was like I was a ghost watching the living.  But she was playing in the water, Sam lowered the camera and just watched from a distance.

Then, an older man in a suit, greyish lawyer looking attire, white shirt, red tie, walked up to me and started talking.  I was confused because no one else could see me.  He said, "You must really love her."  Again, I was confused, but nodded.  He said something about me being there must have something to do with being really interested in the events of the area.  I asked him what events he was talking about.  He mentioned something about some mass suicides to which I responded that I had heard of no such thing.  He handed me a newspaper that showed the headlines of hundreds of people dead in apparent mass suicides, one of the people being Candace.  Again, confusion hit me like a brick.  I had just seen her in the water, so I turned, and she was still out there playing with her friends.

I began to think this guy was crazy, so I accused him of such.  He shook the newspaper in my face again, and then I noticed the date.  The date on the paper was 2 weeks from the current date.  Confusion was replaced by shock.  I asked him what that meant, if he was from the future.  He nodded and said that I could change it.  "You would do anything to save her, wouldn't you?", he asked.  I nodded.  He handed me the paper and started to walk away.  "You have 2 weeks and 12 souls to save.  If you can do that, you can save her life."  And then he vanished, and I ran.

...and that's where I woke up!  Sounds like the pilot episode of a TV show.  I think I'd watch it.  I dunno. 

Beyond that, Candace came up to visit over the past few days as she came to grab our son and take him back to Texas for Summer break.  It was great to just hang out again.  We sat around and watched TV for hours.  We played some video games.  We went out to eat.  We unintentionally played in the rain.  We talked and had a great time.  I got to use my camera to document a bit of what went on, like the Kinect dance-off, which she smoked me at.  Phoenix was busy playing with Lego, so he didn't compete in that.  Though Soul Calibur got his attention, then he got distracted by Portal 2 and Minecraft, leaving me and his mom to get back to Storage Hunters.

Dancing the day away!

I don't usually...

..but when I do, it's nothing important. So I made a TMITuesday post yesterday that revolved around sexual deviance. Today, I make a post that is similar in nature.

 Some time last week I heard about this "condition" called hyper sexuality. Long story short, it's when someone thinks about things of a sexual nature a lot. Now, it goes withough saying that most guys think about sex a lot. My issues are a bit different. I am an admirer of the female form. I've stated this before. Generally, I'm not the kind of guy that lets my gaze linger when a girl walks by or is standing in front of me. I'm shy and prone to blushing if a cute girl says anything to me.

 However, there are times when I'm like a different person. It's like a werewolf transformation. At completely random times, I'll have moments where I feel like an animal, and today was one of those times. Today, a girl came up to me. Not by choice, really. I was at work, so I just happened to be the one she was stuck talking to. Anyway, I felt anxiety well up inside of me. I couldn't really say why. I saw this girl, tight fitting shirt, thing enough to see the zebra print bra or bikini top beneath it and shorts that barely covered her ass.

 I could feel my face starting to flush as she left. Most guys would look at a girl like that and appreciate her for being a fine looking female. Myself? I imagined someone else dressed in that outfit and I was overcome. So as a throwback to yesterday's post, I have an obsession. I say I am an admirer of the female form, and that is true. However, there is only one female that I admire, and every girl I see will forever remind me of her. And one day, it will probably drive me insane.

"So say we all..."

Dreaded Diablo Downtime

So, Diablo 3 launched about 15 hours ago. I've played for a total of 3 hours thus far. Currently, the service is down for fixin'. Yay Blizzard. So here's a TMITuesday blog post! Honestly, I have an obsession. The obsession has a name. She knows about it. Anyway, the point of this is that it's TMITuesday, which means you all get to know something you didn't really care to know! So, my obsession is with a particular girl. That isn't unusual in itself, but the weird part is that I'm not obsessed in a way that most guys would be. Most guys would be all over a girl because she's hot or sexy or both. They'd wanna do things to her wherever they could. Me? While the idea of that is awesome, that's just what I enjoy. The ideas. The fantasies. I don't want to do those things, I'd rather watch others do them. I'm a hands off kinda guy. Long story short, I enjoy watching other people have sex with this particular girl. I'm a freak. I know. There have been times I've gone out of my way to assist other guys in their relationships with her in the hopes that I get to watch. So, there ya go. More information than you wanted or needed for your TMITuesday!

 

photo retouch by ~willos2 on deviantART

"So say we all..."

Two days, two posts.

So, this is an odd occurrence. I made a post last night, and here I am again. Different reasons, and yet, the same. Apparently, the issues that I mentioned last night are affecting me more than I thought. Last night's dreams were rather upsetting. So, let us dive into that.

The majority that I remember involves my former wife, ex-wife (or however you wanna say it), and I relaxing on the bed, watching movies and having a good time. We were just having fun, enjoying each other's company, and that was all we needed. Beyond that, I don't recall much of this particular dream. It was a great feeling, and I realized when I woke up how much I missed that. I guess I lie to myself on a daily basis by saying I don't want a relationship, but I honestly don't think I could handle one. And I guess that makes it more sad.

The second dream involved me wandering the streets of a familiar neighborhood, trying to get somewhere, but being unable to. Each path was blocked by deep water. I couldn't get across or around. Eventually, I ended up falling in and drowning. That's where I woke up. No clue what that one was supposed to signify. Dreams are weird things.

But this is a short post. One, I'm posting this from my iPad, and it's not really fun to type on this. Two, I'm at work, so I have to pretend like I care. Three, not much has happened since the post from last night. If that changes, I'm sure another post will be made.

I have subscriptions.

I have a problem. Well, I suppose that's an understatement. I have multiple problems, but I'm only here to address a few of those. This may change as I go along with this post. It all depends on how I feel at any given moment.

First off, the past few days have had me in a mood that absolutely despise being in. Despite KNOWING that I'm in a bad mood, despite KNOWING that I don't want to be in said mood, despite KNOWING that I'm being a dick, I can't stop. I don't know if it's because deep down I WANT to be an asshole, or it's just built up frustration, or maybe I'm just lashing out at the world because something else pissed me off. I'm not sure. This leads me into my first problem.

I'm an asshole. I know this. I don't try to hide it. I don't try to play nice. If I'm in a bad mood, you're damn sure gonna know about it. If I'm annoyed/angry/agitated with you, believe me, you'll be able to tell. The funny thing is, THAT'S not the problem. The problem is that I desire acceptance from everyone, but I don't really WANT acceptance. I want to feel needed, appreciated, but I don't want to be close enough to anyone to let that happen. I've got the hedgehog's dilemma:

"The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to become close to one another in order to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons they cannot avoid."

I've been burned before. I've been screwed over. I don't want friends because they only use you for a while until they can screw you over and then they just cut contact and go off to laugh about what a dumbass you were. So, despite wanting to be wanted, needed, I don't want anyone around me. That's another reason my Facebook friend list is less than 20. I honestly can't stand the majority of people, and definitely don't understand how they can stand me.

Continuing on with that, I have an intense desire to be social, but only with a select few people. When I'm in contact with said people, my mood is generally brighter. Like any drug, the longer you're off it, the worse the effects are until you just don't care anymore. Still, the withdrawals are a bitch, and I usually am as well.

Moving on from that point, we broach the topic of attachments. I form the weirdest attachments sometimes. Have you ever read a book or played a game and just fallen in love with a character? Like, to the point where you were sad when the whole experience was over because you would never have adventures or what have you with that character again? Probably not, but I do that from time to time. Currently, I have an unhealthy attachment to ...


Tali'Zorah vas Normandy by ~michaellam on deviantART

I did a massive binge on Mass Effect, starting with the first game and burning all the way through to the third. The adventure was amazing. The ending... well, leaves a lot of unanswered questions. Still, playing through, I can't imaging my character romancing anyone but dear Tali'Zorah. Honestly, the choices are no-brainers. In Mass Effect 1, you had Ashley Williams or Liara T'Soni. Ashley looked horrible, and Liara's entire race is... extra equipped. That's not my bag. So, I skip the relations in that game and start courting Tali in the second game. There, you have genetically enhanced porn star Miranda, psychotic bitch Jack, or minor characters of no importance aside from being turned into human puree at some point. So Tali is my choice there. Then the third game comes along and offers a fuckton of options, but it's still Tali all the way. I ramble. I apologize. I caught her cheating on me...



Regardless. Going back to the beginning of this, I've been in a foul mood lately. I know what some of the reasons are, but I won't do anything about them. So, whatever. I close with a song.