It's dangerous to go alone...

Dreams! Y U Make No Sense?!

Though, I can see a pattern in the dreams I've had over the past few weeks. Helplessness. Running up against a telekinetic kid who lifted me up and tossed me about. Being held down and having water poured over me until I couldn't breathe. Standing on a beach and suffering an onslaught of massive waves. And then there are the constant "Where the fuck is my car!?" dreams. Those I don't understand.

Christmas is a month away. Plans have been made, but plans are made to fall apart, like promises are made to be broken. I know what I want to do, but we'll see if the reality of the situation allows for it. Money is a bitch, though I did recently find out that I'm in possession of a dagger worth anywhere between 500-1000 dollars.

Stress hasn't lightened up one bit. Between work, health, finances and such, I'm still as stressed as ever. I have a doctor's appointment in two days, and hopefully they'll be able to give me a better diagnosis than Acid Reflux. Bastard doctors. They're like chiropractors. The solution to everything is 'crack your bones!' or something.

As for the final picture of the post, well... It was difficult, since I wiped my HD of any of those sorts of pictures the other night. I grabbed the first thing that came to mind. My one little bit of happiness. Photography...

"So say we all..."

Stress

I don't deal well with stress, whether it be physical, emotional, mental... anything. In the past few years, stress has started to make me sick. When I get stressed, I get light-headed, my stomach hurts, I get shaky, I can't breathe properly, my hands get all tingly. It's not fun, and it makes living daily a hard thing. Especially when I'm slammed with stress each day.

Luckily, I guess, I get insurance this weekend. I managed to find a plan to cover myself and my son, though it's gonna take a chunk out of my already dwindling check every month. Hopefully, I can get to a doctor to see if something can be done. Maybe there's something wrong that can be fixed. Maybe get some medication or something. I don't know. I've reached a new level of desperation.

What makes all this worse is that very few seem to understand exactly what it's like to deal with this. No one at work cares, because all they care about is results, which is funny. When I get stressed, the thing I care about least is results. All I want is to be stress free. Then it doesn't help when they constantly get on my ass about stuff that I have no control over. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway. Yeah. I get stressed, and I become a different person. My thoughts tend to go darker. I think things that normally wouldn't occur to me. I become paranoid. I become the asshole that I always joke that I am. I say things that I'd normally hold back. I know it's gonna get me in trouble soon. Of course, if I'm stressed, I don't care.

We'll see how this turns out.

"So say we all..."

Dreams are weird things.

Figured I'd just take this time to fling down the remains of a dream I had about 8 hours ago. It's random as all hell, and may not make a lot of since to people that don't have kids or watch a lot of kid's shows.

The starting details are a bit fuzzy, but it begins with myself and my son at a shopping mall of some sort. They have an exhibit of art displayed in the halls. It's not fine art, just random art. So as we're looking over the items assembled, one of the individuals that seemed to be in charge mentions that there is a particular piece in a different hall that has a function of some sort that will help to feed the homeless by recycling bottles that you feed into it. Don't ask me where all this came from.

So, my son and I head towards that area, but on the way, we run across a crowd. In the middle of that crowd is the kids from that Nickelodeon show, iCarly, and they're singing "Don't Dream it's Over". Since my son likes to watch that show, we watched the performance, eventually getting to speak to the cast. For some unknown reason, the person that had organized all of this was Courtney Love, all clean and sober and not crazy at all. Afterwards, we all went back to some house and had a pizza party, but the bitch of the thing is, I had to make the pizzas. Even in my dreams, I'm stuck working.

In any event, now that I'm awake, I'm on my way to the District Attorney's office to see if I can avoid going to court tomorrow morning.

"So say we all."

In nomine Patris..

"We are the kingdom of light and dreams,"

"gnosis and life, Avantasia!"

Been in some of the strangest moods lately. Mainly irritable. Sometimes disappointed. Sometimes happy. Sometimes empty. Right now, empty.

I just finished 13 audiobooks from The Wheel of Time, catching up with the series in preparation for the release of the final book sometime next year. Honestly, I've listened to it in the car, during slow times before and after work, while doing dishes, doing yard work, even while gaming at times. Now that I'm all caught up and done, I feel an emptiness. I can only imagine how I'm gonna feel when the final book is released and it's all over and done with. As Brandon Sanderson said, I've been reading about these characters and their adventures for at least 10 years now, and I've become attached to them. They're almost like friends that you never see anymore but have had many good times with. So, yeah... Dorky and sad, but still.. All the above being said, that's been a huge part of mine time lately. I've been WoT obsessed. I've been researching background information. I've been looking up interviews. I've been going nuts trying to figure out where it's gonna go from here.

I've also been searching for a new band to listen to since Roy Khan left Kamelot. I'm sure Kamelot will carry on, but I didn't like their first vocalist, so I hold little hope for their new one. I have found a band that entertains me. Avantasia, a side project of Tobias Sammet of the band Edguy. They're a sort of metal opera type thing. Yeah...

Oh. I hate you.

"So say we all."

Another one of those nights.

I've been busy for the past week. I've been working almost non-stop, with only enough time to sleep between work shifts. Sometimes, even that wasn't guaranteed. In any event, today is my first day off in a week and a half. Not bad, but maaaaaaan I had some strange dreams last night.

First off, let me start by stating that it feels weird to have a dream that features a song that you haven't listened to in a good while. While I can see "7 Weeks" popping into my head, the fact that I hadn't heard in an at least a few months surprised me. What's even more surprising, and kinda worrisome, is that I had a dream that featured a song that I've NEVER heard. Apparently, it doesn't even exist. I've searched a few of the lyrics I recall on the interwebz and come up with nothing. Not the most classy of lyrics, but considering the settings for the dreams I had last night, they fit. They were:

"You could be crazy, I could be more,"
"You want me in the bedroom, I'll take you on the floor."

I had various dreams. One featured me and my son at some sort of carnival, playing a game together to win crazy prizes. Apparently, we were doing well, until someone escorted us away for doing too well.

Another featured a bridge that I've seen in MANY dreams before. The bridge goes over a body of water, not big, but at least 1/4 mile. And there's usually someone driving recklessly on the bridge, causing issues. This bridge is almost always in a dream in which I'm returning from a long trip.

That leads into the next dream. I was working at some sort of restaurant. I couldn't even say what kinda food they served. It was strange. Someone had come to visit me there and it threw the work environment into chaos as people got distracted and angry. That part was the longest dream, but it ended abruptly.

All in all, this ties into the last post that I made. My mind has been trying to deal with stuff so much that every night, some facet of my daily stress works its way into my dreams. I try to deal with it rationally, but who am I kidding? I'm not rational at all.

As for the Picture of the Post, I blame the AMVHell people for this video...



So, with that and the recent 'Brony' love for that My Little Pony show..

"So say we all..."

Dreams.

They are the killers of sanity.

Some people believe that having dreams can lead to a brighter future. They can give you something to look forward to. I'm not talking about the idealistic types of dreams. I'm in no way referring to the types of dreams that give hope that one day a man (or woman) can marry a llama without reproach from either species. No. I'm referring to the demonic nuggets of nocturnal mindfucks that sneak into your subconscious while you sleep.

Sure. Every once in a while you have a dream that leaves you feeling all great when you wake up. Maybe it was a dream about sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, or whatever it is that makes you happy. But let's be honest. On average, when you have a dream, it's either some confusing mess of garbled imagery that leaves you doubting your sanity, or something you can clearly understand WHY it made it into your head, but you kinda wish it hadn't.

Lately, my sleep schedule has been fairly regular. I usually pass out between midnight to 1am, and usually wake between 8am and 10am. However, the time in between that is usually filled with tossing and turning and a cluster-fusion of dreams that usually infect the next round of sleep with even more confusion. It doesn't do much for mental stability in the waking world.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of those dreams that I understand. I know why I'm having them, but I don't like that fact. I've got a lot of stuff on my mind. I'm pretty stressed. Sleep should be the time that I can escape all the bullshit of daily life. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. At least I have video games to distract me for hours on end.

"So say we all..."

Warning! Unfiltered Matt Thoughts!

Nope. Not dead yet.. Though there have been many times over the past year that I had wished I was. Not that I went all suicidal or anything. I have no respect for cowards, unless death is imminent and nothing can be done, then why not choose your own way out? Anyway, no.. My situation was that I developed some kinda mutant form of acid reflux or something. Unlike some people that just get indigestion, I basically curl up into a little ball and start spouting out to any deity that will listen that I want to get better or die. It's not pretty, or manly, but I've never been either.

This whole situation has affected my behavior greatly. I've evolved from 'The Bastard' into 'The Asshole'. I used to be kind of a dick towards people by making comments and such that were jokingly mean. Now, I'm just a flat out asshole. I don't care what people think about me. I'm not out to build relationships. I'm not out to make anyone happy. I'm just out to live my sad little life and get what happiness I want out of it. For me, that involves making myself and my son happy. That is all. Occasionally, I will take someone along and work towards their happiness, if it benefits me. And there I go being an asshole again. Deal with it.

I started into a discussion at work the other day when one of the girls called me a pervert for making a joking comment. I flat out told her that guys are sexual beasts. We think about sex almost constantly. If you're around for more than 30 seconds, we've probably thought about having sex with you. If we haven't, then we either weren't paying attention, or you aren't the type of the thinker. Nothing personal, but that's how it is. So, that's probably why I don't have many female friends anymore.

Aside from that, I have unreasonably high standards for everything. I expect what I want, when I want it, and if that doesn't happen, then I begin to wonder why I expected that I would get what I wanted in the first place. It's unfair to the world around me, but that's how I am. I won't change. I'll be 33 in about a month. It's a little late to start worrying about changing behavioral patterns. I'll just be a bitter asshole towards the world and save the little bit of caring I have for Phoenix.

That said, Phoenix is growing like a thing that grows fast and well. His school has been a great experience for him, sickness aside. He's learned a lot and made some friends. I don't really like his teacher. I think she's an alcoholic prostitute or something. Sometimes I wonder if she's just teaching the class as some sort of community service. But anyway, he likes her and until that changes, I'll keep my mouth shut.

The seasons are changing and warmer weather is coming soon. With the warmer weather comes many things that may brighten my mood. First off is the ability to get outside and use my cameras again! Photography is always a bright point of my day. Downside is when I can't find a decent subject to capture. I'm bitchy like that. I want to capture an image the way I see it in my head. If I can't, well... brooding artists and all that.

I wish I could just find some decent models. And no, I'm not just referring to women. Though, a few of those would help a lot, mainly because everything else I photograph does what it wants, when it wants. At least I could suggest things to the female model, even though she'd likely disregard it. Such is the life of a photographer. Bah.

And, because I'm rambling on and it's time for me to crash, I'll end this here. I'll probably be doing more posts soon since I remembered the login information here. So, until then, enjoy some Olivia Wilde hotness!

"So say we all..."